Around 6:30 this morning, I was awoken by the usual lick across the face. No, not from Chad, but from my Rottie/Lab Bare. Time for his morning stroll. After we came back in, I let him - or he told me - that he was gonna lay down on the bed with me and Chad. This is all good since we slept most of the night and I knew that he wouldn't stay there long as he likes to be a little rambuncsous early in the morning.
What I did get though, was about a half hour of bliss. That one little moment in time when everything seemed to be perfect in the world. Just before the reality of life hits, when all seems perfect. Here I was, laying in bed with my three boys. Percy (the smallest doggie) curled up behind my knees; Bare was being my little spoon; and Chad...laying across from me with his cute little face (I love the way his mouth is open a little when he sleeps). For as long as I could hold it - perfection was mine. Quite in the house with only the noise of a few cars on the street and a slight chill in the air. Loved it.
Then....Bare yawns, Percy moves and Chad lets out a little discontent from the noise and it's back to reality. Oh well, it'll happen again. That's why I like the early mornings. I get my cocoa, do a little reading and praying, and find my one, little, hopeful, moment of bliss.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wee Early Hours of the Morn
Sometimes I like getting up while it's still dark outside. It's nice to have the peace and quiet. Chad's asleep and the dogs are either outside or laying next to me on the couch. But, it's relaxing and it's my time to play my games on the computer, catch up on homework or just watch a little TV. The point is...its my time. Although the thought of having to work later creeps into my head, I've got this little bit of me time that helps relax things.
We are all so busy. I was lying in bed a few minutes ago thinking (which usually gets me in trouble) that by the time I finish school I'll be almost 50. Still young, I know, but I can't help but let the thoughts in that no one is going to hire me at that age. But then I remind myself, that I've got a lot more going on than my age. I'm a hard worker with a great attitude and most of the time people think I'm really younger than I am (wonder how much longer I can pull that one off). So, I put those thoughts right out of my head.
I was talking to a friend at work last night and she was telling me about their night out. I looked at her and said, "I wish you guys would tell me when you're going out. I'd like to hang with you sometimes." Don't know where that came from, but I do miss going out with my co-workers and relaxing after work. Then I think, where in the hell am I gonna find time for that. I get up, usually around 7:30. Do some things around the house, try to study a little and then go to school. If I don't have to work that day, I come home and try to relax, watch a little TV, clean the house, do laundry. If I don't have school, I usually work a double. I'm tired people!!!! And I'm complaining about not hanging out after work anymore. I'm crazy.
I think it all comes from the fact that I used to be the ringleader of the drink all nighters and lets go, go, go!!! I don't miss those day at all. What I do miss is the comraderie that was developed between me and the rest of the staff. I was a part of them and they a part of me. I still feel this to an extent, but as to where my focus used to be Outback, Outback, Outback, it has now shifted to taking care of my family, trying to provide for our future and wanting more things than I would have ever wanted three years ago.
Thanksgiving is coming up and I have a lot to be thankful for. I just passed the 2 1/2 year mark for my sobriety. And, things have changed for the better so much. Yes, new things are springing up that try to keep me from my path, but I have the love of a strong man that keeps me grounded. He helps to remind me that I didn't do this on my own, and that maybe I've let the things that started me on the road to recovery slide a little bit. That I need to get back to basics. I keep making excuses, "I don't have the time" or "I'm tired". But the simple fact is (thanks for this one Haig), I'm scared. I've let fear rule my entire life. No matter how much I've accomplished or how far I think I've gone, I still let fear dictate some of my actions.
So back to basics it is. I need to start going to meetings again and giving back to the one thing that got me this far in the first place. I've lost my humbleness. I think I can do it all, and I can, but I need to remember to talk to about it first. So, get on my knees and pray, first thing, in the wee early hours of the morn.
We are all so busy. I was lying in bed a few minutes ago thinking (which usually gets me in trouble) that by the time I finish school I'll be almost 50. Still young, I know, but I can't help but let the thoughts in that no one is going to hire me at that age. But then I remind myself, that I've got a lot more going on than my age. I'm a hard worker with a great attitude and most of the time people think I'm really younger than I am (wonder how much longer I can pull that one off). So, I put those thoughts right out of my head.
I was talking to a friend at work last night and she was telling me about their night out. I looked at her and said, "I wish you guys would tell me when you're going out. I'd like to hang with you sometimes." Don't know where that came from, but I do miss going out with my co-workers and relaxing after work. Then I think, where in the hell am I gonna find time for that. I get up, usually around 7:30. Do some things around the house, try to study a little and then go to school. If I don't have to work that day, I come home and try to relax, watch a little TV, clean the house, do laundry. If I don't have school, I usually work a double. I'm tired people!!!! And I'm complaining about not hanging out after work anymore. I'm crazy.
I think it all comes from the fact that I used to be the ringleader of the drink all nighters and lets go, go, go!!! I don't miss those day at all. What I do miss is the comraderie that was developed between me and the rest of the staff. I was a part of them and they a part of me. I still feel this to an extent, but as to where my focus used to be Outback, Outback, Outback, it has now shifted to taking care of my family, trying to provide for our future and wanting more things than I would have ever wanted three years ago.
Thanksgiving is coming up and I have a lot to be thankful for. I just passed the 2 1/2 year mark for my sobriety. And, things have changed for the better so much. Yes, new things are springing up that try to keep me from my path, but I have the love of a strong man that keeps me grounded. He helps to remind me that I didn't do this on my own, and that maybe I've let the things that started me on the road to recovery slide a little bit. That I need to get back to basics. I keep making excuses, "I don't have the time" or "I'm tired". But the simple fact is (thanks for this one Haig), I'm scared. I've let fear rule my entire life. No matter how much I've accomplished or how far I think I've gone, I still let fear dictate some of my actions.
So back to basics it is. I need to start going to meetings again and giving back to the one thing that got me this far in the first place. I've lost my humbleness. I think I can do it all, and I can, but I need to remember to talk to about it first. So, get on my knees and pray, first thing, in the wee early hours of the morn.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Ohana
I'm feeling very sentimental today. Not only is it my birthday (thank you everyone for the warm wishes), but it is also the day my loving husband proposed to me. It was two years ago today that I said, "Yes, I will marry you!" We've had our share of ups and downs, but I wouldn't give it up for the world. The things I've gotten from our bond are way more important to me than the things I had without. I love you Chad and can't wait for the rest of our lives to unfold. I feel a great many things are in store for us and it can only get better.
Today I've also been spending a lot of time in reflection over the past weekend. This past weekend I spent a lot of time with family. I helped my sister, Amy, move from Orlando to Knoxville and had a blast. It was great taking a road trip with her. She had never been on one before and it was great. Especially once we got into the mountains. The expressions on her face were priceless. But it was equally awesome to see the way she looked at the majesty of the mountains and trees with their brightly colored leaves. It's always an eye opener when you experience life through a different set of eyes.
I also took this trip to Tennessee to see my dad. As some of you may know, a few weeks ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia. It's been a very stressful and worrisome couple of weeks. I have to admit that when I saw him in the hospital, he looked better than I expected. Outside of a little hair loss, weight loss and being tired, he was still my dad. It was a little disconcerting to see him in that setting, but he looked good. We got good and bad news on Saturday. An early morning phone call from my step-mom told us that he was running a fever of 102. By early afternoon, the fever had broken and I went to see him. He was in good spirits and the doctor had just told him that his bone marrow test came back great and that there weren't any leukemia cells present. AWESOME!!!! He would have to stay in the hospital till his white blood cell count came back up and he regained his strength, but for the time being, he was out of the woods. The chemo had worked and now he would just have to have chemo on an outpatient basis after his release. Looks good.
I got to spend time with my brother and older sister, and even though we hadn't seen each other in a long time, we fell back into the same click that we always had. My sister the clown, my brother the serious one and me: the ever changing one. But for the first time in a long time I felt comfortable. I was me. I didn't have to try to be someone else or feel like I needed to hide anything. It didn't bother me, to just be me. And I feel great about that.
On the way to the airport that Sunday, I looked out the window at the East Tennessee countryside and for the first time ever after a visit, I wanted to stay. I wasn't bothered by the memories of all the bad things I had been through there and inflicted upon everyone else. I was able to think of the possibilities of what can come. What new future might develop and that I felt welcome to come back there at any time. I was free of the past and ready to move forward into a great tomorrow.
So....Chad, Amy, Joshua, Mike, Dawn, Mom, Dad, Connie, Courtney, Haig and all the other members of my family....immediate and extended, the Hawaiian/Samoan culture has a word for family that means all that touch and are meaningful in your life....Ohana. I love you all.
Today I've also been spending a lot of time in reflection over the past weekend. This past weekend I spent a lot of time with family. I helped my sister, Amy, move from Orlando to Knoxville and had a blast. It was great taking a road trip with her. She had never been on one before and it was great. Especially once we got into the mountains. The expressions on her face were priceless. But it was equally awesome to see the way she looked at the majesty of the mountains and trees with their brightly colored leaves. It's always an eye opener when you experience life through a different set of eyes.
I also took this trip to Tennessee to see my dad. As some of you may know, a few weeks ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia. It's been a very stressful and worrisome couple of weeks. I have to admit that when I saw him in the hospital, he looked better than I expected. Outside of a little hair loss, weight loss and being tired, he was still my dad. It was a little disconcerting to see him in that setting, but he looked good. We got good and bad news on Saturday. An early morning phone call from my step-mom told us that he was running a fever of 102. By early afternoon, the fever had broken and I went to see him. He was in good spirits and the doctor had just told him that his bone marrow test came back great and that there weren't any leukemia cells present. AWESOME!!!! He would have to stay in the hospital till his white blood cell count came back up and he regained his strength, but for the time being, he was out of the woods. The chemo had worked and now he would just have to have chemo on an outpatient basis after his release. Looks good.
I got to spend time with my brother and older sister, and even though we hadn't seen each other in a long time, we fell back into the same click that we always had. My sister the clown, my brother the serious one and me: the ever changing one. But for the first time in a long time I felt comfortable. I was me. I didn't have to try to be someone else or feel like I needed to hide anything. It didn't bother me, to just be me. And I feel great about that.
On the way to the airport that Sunday, I looked out the window at the East Tennessee countryside and for the first time ever after a visit, I wanted to stay. I wasn't bothered by the memories of all the bad things I had been through there and inflicted upon everyone else. I was able to think of the possibilities of what can come. What new future might develop and that I felt welcome to come back there at any time. I was free of the past and ready to move forward into a great tomorrow.
So....Chad, Amy, Joshua, Mike, Dawn, Mom, Dad, Connie, Courtney, Haig and all the other members of my family....immediate and extended, the Hawaiian/Samoan culture has a word for family that means all that touch and are meaningful in your life....Ohana. I love you all.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Hurricanes
It's funny how life sometimes mimics our surroundings. We have all experienced, in some fashion, the effects of Hurricane Irene over the past week. During that week, it felt like my own life the eye of the hurricane. Everything from school, work, relationship and family seemed to be in this great vortex sucking the very marrow from my bones.
Wow...dramatic huh??!!!! That's how it's been feeling. Very dramatic. Let's start with school. I talked to my nursing director about how I had planned out my nursing school career and she agreed with my timeline. The thing that sucked about it was how long I would have to wait after finishing my last pre-requisite before actually starting the program. As long as up to a year. The one good thing we did discuss (if you want to call it good) is that I qualify for a concurrent program where I can finish my AS and BS in Nursing at the same time. It will knock a year off me getting my Bachelor's degree. No problem. YEAH PROBLEM!!!!! It basically means that I have to take two classes from UCF at the same time I'm taking two from SSC. 13 credits a semester instead of 7. For anyone that knows nursing, that's a considerable amount more. Lecture in the morning, lab in the afternoon, and clinicals in the evening. Or anyway they want us to do them. Even on Saturday's. It's okay except that I wont be able to work at all.
That's where the relationship part comes in. Chad is already under a lot of stress. He found out he can graduate in December if he keeps applying himself the way he has. Shouldn't be a problem. Finish school, start work in a salon to get experience while still working at Outback, then make the big bucks and eventually own his own salon. Dreams are coming true. He can make it work, except I keep messing things up.
Me trying not to put more stress on him, is putting more stress on him. I'm trying my best to do things right and keep things on the straight and narrow and some how I keep messing it up. It isn't easy for me. After twenty-five years of doing things a certain way, and being an alcoholic. It isn't easy to change in only three years. I still have cravings. And there are days when I want to crawl back into the bottle and give up. But I don't. I handle the stress. I've got a great set of friends and an extended family that really care about me. But I still find the wall going back up. So, as my sponsor would say, time to get back to the basics. Go back to the things that knocked the wall down in the first place and get my lines of defense re-established. Keep on plugging.
Just as I get all that straightened out, I get a phone call from sister. My dad is in the hospital and has been diagnosed with leukemia. WOW!!! So he's undergoing chemotherapy-agressively-seven days on seven days off then testing to see if it's in remission. If not, then they start over. He's in great physical shape so not a problem except for his age. But, he's a fighter and can beat it. He better. There are still a lot of things I need to say to him. So many things I need to apologize for. So many amends still need to be made and I can't sleep at night knowing I may lose him before I tell him. I want him to see me graduate nursing school and actually be the son he knew I could be. I love him and I need him to see tht. Hang in there dad. I'm coming.
So, that only leaves work. Which hasn't been that bad, except that it's been slow. September is traditionally the slowest time of the year. Although I've had a great August, paying for school and buying a new car has depleted both our savings. Come on LOTTO. Anyone wanting to make a donation to the "Crafty and Chad College Fund" may do so by inquiring at www.idontwanttoeatramennoodlesforthenexttwoyears.com. The only thing I can do is pray. Give it all up to God and have faith that all things will be taken care of. We've handled worse than this and survived and I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I wish it would be enough already. Also forgot to mention that September, is traditionally the worst month for .....HURRICANES.
Wow...dramatic huh??!!!! That's how it's been feeling. Very dramatic. Let's start with school. I talked to my nursing director about how I had planned out my nursing school career and she agreed with my timeline. The thing that sucked about it was how long I would have to wait after finishing my last pre-requisite before actually starting the program. As long as up to a year. The one good thing we did discuss (if you want to call it good) is that I qualify for a concurrent program where I can finish my AS and BS in Nursing at the same time. It will knock a year off me getting my Bachelor's degree. No problem. YEAH PROBLEM!!!!! It basically means that I have to take two classes from UCF at the same time I'm taking two from SSC. 13 credits a semester instead of 7. For anyone that knows nursing, that's a considerable amount more. Lecture in the morning, lab in the afternoon, and clinicals in the evening. Or anyway they want us to do them. Even on Saturday's. It's okay except that I wont be able to work at all.
That's where the relationship part comes in. Chad is already under a lot of stress. He found out he can graduate in December if he keeps applying himself the way he has. Shouldn't be a problem. Finish school, start work in a salon to get experience while still working at Outback, then make the big bucks and eventually own his own salon. Dreams are coming true. He can make it work, except I keep messing things up.
Me trying not to put more stress on him, is putting more stress on him. I'm trying my best to do things right and keep things on the straight and narrow and some how I keep messing it up. It isn't easy for me. After twenty-five years of doing things a certain way, and being an alcoholic. It isn't easy to change in only three years. I still have cravings. And there are days when I want to crawl back into the bottle and give up. But I don't. I handle the stress. I've got a great set of friends and an extended family that really care about me. But I still find the wall going back up. So, as my sponsor would say, time to get back to the basics. Go back to the things that knocked the wall down in the first place and get my lines of defense re-established. Keep on plugging.
Just as I get all that straightened out, I get a phone call from sister. My dad is in the hospital and has been diagnosed with leukemia. WOW!!! So he's undergoing chemotherapy-agressively-seven days on seven days off then testing to see if it's in remission. If not, then they start over. He's in great physical shape so not a problem except for his age. But, he's a fighter and can beat it. He better. There are still a lot of things I need to say to him. So many things I need to apologize for. So many amends still need to be made and I can't sleep at night knowing I may lose him before I tell him. I want him to see me graduate nursing school and actually be the son he knew I could be. I love him and I need him to see tht. Hang in there dad. I'm coming.
So, that only leaves work. Which hasn't been that bad, except that it's been slow. September is traditionally the slowest time of the year. Although I've had a great August, paying for school and buying a new car has depleted both our savings. Come on LOTTO. Anyone wanting to make a donation to the "Crafty and Chad College Fund" may do so by inquiring at www.idontwanttoeatramennoodlesforthenexttwoyears.com. The only thing I can do is pray. Give it all up to God and have faith that all things will be taken care of. We've handled worse than this and survived and I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I wish it would be enough already. Also forgot to mention that September, is traditionally the worst month for .....HURRICANES.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Sliding Doors
Why do we find ourselves rethinking our whole lives just because one thing goes bad in a day? Most of the day yesterday, I found myself playing the "if I had done this, instead of that, I wouldn't being in the situation I'm in right now". I didn't make some of the best choices in life. And yes, there are some things I wish I had done differently. I think we all have those moments. But if I had made some different choices, would I still be where I'm at today? Who's to say.
One of my favorite movies is "Sliding Doors" with Gwenyth Paltrow. A little love story of how, by being a few seconds late and missing her train, a girls life changes drastically but we get to see how her lives play out: the girl that made the train and the girl that didn't. So, I spent a little of my day yesterday playing the game and trying to follow the lines of where I could be and how different my life could have been if I had made some different choices.
When I sat down with Tracy Kruse and Ryan Lloyd and they asked me to go to Key West as the manager, if I had said "NO" like I had a dozen other times in the past, I never would have met Chad or the friends that I have now. I would still be drinking. A million different scenarios present themselves just from that one little decision. What if I hadn't gone downtown the night Chad and I got together. Would it have still happened? Would we have still gotten together at a later date, cause I really didn't like working with him (still don't)? Tired of playing the if game.
So what am I so afraid of? I tried explaining to Chad yesterday that people sometimes hold on to the last vestiges of their past because of fear. It gives them that one last thing to pull out of their pocket in case something doesn't work out. I told him that everytime I'm on the brink of being truly happy; of getting everything I really want in life; I do something to screw it up. Like it's almost mandated from God that I'm not supposed to be happy. So I hang on to one thing that can drive a wedge between me in Chad just in case I need it as a way out. And in reality, it's that wedge that's keeping us from being happy. If I just let go and take care of the things I need to, we can be happy and there is nothing wrong with that. I want a better life for us. I want nice things with him and more that anything I want for his happiness.
So why do I hang on to this fear? Why do I feel the need to have a way out? Why do I keep myself from moving forward and not having everything I ever dreamed of? I don't know. I've come so far in a little time. To me, I've made such great strides at overcoming all the bad and negative in my life and even though it sometimes feel like a runaway train, my life is heading in the direction I've always dreamed it could. I make better and more informed decisions. I try to keep things light and funny and carefree. I try to not let the stresses of everyday life get me down and it's exhausting. I guess I just want a little praise for my efforts from those close to me every now and then. Otherwise, why do we keep trying. If we are constantly beat down and reminded of all the bad without some positive praise, what's the motivation to try and be better? Personal satisfaction isn't always enough.
Today, I'm registering for next semester and going to an information meeting for the nursing program. In 2 1/2 years from now, I'll be an RN (hopefully) and well on my way to getting everything I've ever wanted in life. I just have to watch out for those sliding doors.
One of my favorite movies is "Sliding Doors" with Gwenyth Paltrow. A little love story of how, by being a few seconds late and missing her train, a girls life changes drastically but we get to see how her lives play out: the girl that made the train and the girl that didn't. So, I spent a little of my day yesterday playing the game and trying to follow the lines of where I could be and how different my life could have been if I had made some different choices.
When I sat down with Tracy Kruse and Ryan Lloyd and they asked me to go to Key West as the manager, if I had said "NO" like I had a dozen other times in the past, I never would have met Chad or the friends that I have now. I would still be drinking. A million different scenarios present themselves just from that one little decision. What if I hadn't gone downtown the night Chad and I got together. Would it have still happened? Would we have still gotten together at a later date, cause I really didn't like working with him (still don't)? Tired of playing the if game.
So what am I so afraid of? I tried explaining to Chad yesterday that people sometimes hold on to the last vestiges of their past because of fear. It gives them that one last thing to pull out of their pocket in case something doesn't work out. I told him that everytime I'm on the brink of being truly happy; of getting everything I really want in life; I do something to screw it up. Like it's almost mandated from God that I'm not supposed to be happy. So I hang on to one thing that can drive a wedge between me in Chad just in case I need it as a way out. And in reality, it's that wedge that's keeping us from being happy. If I just let go and take care of the things I need to, we can be happy and there is nothing wrong with that. I want a better life for us. I want nice things with him and more that anything I want for his happiness.
So why do I hang on to this fear? Why do I feel the need to have a way out? Why do I keep myself from moving forward and not having everything I ever dreamed of? I don't know. I've come so far in a little time. To me, I've made such great strides at overcoming all the bad and negative in my life and even though it sometimes feel like a runaway train, my life is heading in the direction I've always dreamed it could. I make better and more informed decisions. I try to keep things light and funny and carefree. I try to not let the stresses of everyday life get me down and it's exhausting. I guess I just want a little praise for my efforts from those close to me every now and then. Otherwise, why do we keep trying. If we are constantly beat down and reminded of all the bad without some positive praise, what's the motivation to try and be better? Personal satisfaction isn't always enough.
Today, I'm registering for next semester and going to an information meeting for the nursing program. In 2 1/2 years from now, I'll be an RN (hopefully) and well on my way to getting everything I've ever wanted in life. I just have to watch out for those sliding doors.
Friday, July 29, 2011
The Little Things
Every now and then I get struck by the fact that I have a pretty good life now. And a big smile just comes across my face along with a wave of gratitude that radiates around my whole body. I take my last final on Monday and should wrap up the semester with two A's. Not bad for not being in school for over 15 years. Today, we went to the gym and then I came home and made us a couple of chicken wraps, while Chad got ready for his doctor appointment. This morning I vaccuumed the couches and floors and then we cut the dogs nails (Percy is the biggest baby). I know this all sound humdrum and ordinary, but for someone like me, that looks back over the past few years of his life, this is totally amazing. Never did I think that I would be married, with two dogs and a house. Two cars and a gym membership. School, work, and complaining about finding time to study.
I look up to the sky and say Thank you God for leading me in the right direction and knowing that all the pain I put others in my life through, has finally managed to turn into something solid, good, nice and appreciated more than I can say. That was probably the biggest run on sentence in the world, but, who cares.
I am Happy!!!! Shout it....Scream it....Love it!!!!
Most of you know it wasn't always that way. All I can say is this: God never gives us more than we can handle. Doesn't mean He doesn't test the water sometimes to see if we sink or swim. But He's there to pull you out if you need it. You just have to grab hold and see that the life being offered is a much better one than the one you want to leave behind. Now, that being said...the want to change your life should be enough motivation for most to see the errors of their ways and move on. Sometimes (as in my case) a bigger kick in the butt is needed. Use it.
Well, I had typed two more paragraphs but my internet went out for a minute and I lost it. It was really profound too. Any way, the last line that I remember said..."Don't sweat the small things, and they are all little things." Til next time. Love ya.
I look up to the sky and say Thank you God for leading me in the right direction and knowing that all the pain I put others in my life through, has finally managed to turn into something solid, good, nice and appreciated more than I can say. That was probably the biggest run on sentence in the world, but, who cares.
I am Happy!!!! Shout it....Scream it....Love it!!!!
Most of you know it wasn't always that way. All I can say is this: God never gives us more than we can handle. Doesn't mean He doesn't test the water sometimes to see if we sink or swim. But He's there to pull you out if you need it. You just have to grab hold and see that the life being offered is a much better one than the one you want to leave behind. Now, that being said...the want to change your life should be enough motivation for most to see the errors of their ways and move on. Sometimes (as in my case) a bigger kick in the butt is needed. Use it.
Well, I had typed two more paragraphs but my internet went out for a minute and I lost it. It was really profound too. Any way, the last line that I remember said..."Don't sweat the small things, and they are all little things." Til next time. Love ya.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Karma
A little funny story about Karma. Chad is always going around calling "Karma". Basically, watch out or karma will kick you in the butt.
This past weekend, at our little family vacation, Karma was running rampant. Chad and I got there first and since we were sharing a three bedroom suite with his two sisters and their significant other, we got first choice. Of course, we picked the big,master suite with the huge bed with a large ornate wooden crane and big bathroom with walk-in shower and big tub. It also connected to the balcony that had the awesome view.
I walk into the bedroom and stub my toe on the bedframe. No big deal. I'm walking around unpacking-stub the same toe again. Chad starts laughing. A few minutes go by and I scrape my leg on the large ornate frame with the overhang. Chad laughs more.
While he's doubled over with slaughter, he stubs his toe on the same leg of the bed. KARMA!!!!!!
So know I'm laughing and saying "HaHa. Karma bitch!"
I stub the same toe again. You'll be happy to know the swelling and bruising have finally gone away.
Thanks Karma!!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Little Wonders
Anyway, Percy is the smartest, most coniving little destroyer of all things that we've ever seen. And, because of his face, he gets away with almost everything. Now, you have to understand that since Percy has been living with us, things have been reversed. Bare, that I bought for Chad several Christmases ago, is now my dog. And Percy is now Chad's. And it funny how these two, distinctly individual dogs have taken on certain characteristics of their owners.
Percy is into everything and has an opinion about everything. Does things his own way and damned everyone else if they tell him different. When he gets in trouble, his face says, "ME??? No you are mistaken. I'm never wrong." And when he knows he's in trouble. He looks at you as if to say, "What? What're you gonna do? Thought so." So strong and independent. But afraid of the littlest things. The vaccuum cleaner and thunder. (Chad's is spiders). Big Man. Small spider.
Anyway, with Bare, he is a lot like me. Laid back and easy going. Can get riled up on occasion and likes to have fun, but is weary and knows when to say hey, "This isn't for me." So sensitive, just like me, and can't for the life of him understand why Percy can sleep on the bed and he can't. It hurts his feelings. The answer, by the way, is that Percy weighs 25lbs and Bare 85-90. There is a little issue of room.
So the latest thing that has come to pass is the doggie door. About a month ago, Chad (and his new set of power tools bought especially for this job) installed a doggie door in the house in an attempt to make our lives easier. Door looks great. Easy to use and automatic. A sensor on the collar unlocks the door and allows entry. Thus keeping out unwanted guests and allowing for freedom. Percy loves the door. Bare is so scared of the door that he barely approaches it. My roommate got the biggest kick out of me yesterday trying to teach Bare to come through the door. I was basically pushing this dog into the door and he was kicking and fighting the whole way. I don't get it. He will come in and out the door and long as we hold it up for him, but not if he has to push it himself. WOW!!!
Percy......in and out. In and Out. Looking at Bare going, "Come on you big fraidy cat. It's a plastic door. Jump in. Jump out. So now Bare stands at the door and whines because Percy is outside and we have to let Bare out. Incredible. This is not my dog.
So, I was standing at the kitchen sink looking outside and Percy goes skittering by. Swoosh swoosh. Out the door. Bare looks up and goes, heh, whatever. I see Percy mount this little mound of dirt in the yard and he strikes a regal pose. Looking out over his domain. Knowing that all he sees is his for the plundering. Plenty of squirrels to chase. Gecko's to kill and grass to hide in. Knowing that the only thing to enter his domain will do so with the sound of the creaking door opening because his brother is a wimp. So, for the time being, his land is safe. Our little wonder.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Gratitude
Yesterday started out great and then got crazy. I got up early with Chad and watched him get ready for school and started thinking about my day. Since I was up, I decided to get to school early and start work on my presentation research for Sociology. No biggie. Did some review work on the computer (my new laptop that my husband bought me for school: Love it: Thanks Chad) for class that day and started a load of laundry. Spilled laundry detergent on myself. Took a shower. Got soap in my eye. Sprayed the shower with chemicals to clean it later and inhaled fumes. Had a coughing fit. Got dressed. Percy stole my sock. Found it in the yard. Finished dressing and tried to leave the house. Cant find my Debit Card. Called Wachovia (now Wells Fargo). New card in 5-7 days. GREAT!!! Not, all my cash is in the bank. Wonderful.
Now I'm running late for the timeline I had established for my day.
Feeling really down and a little depressed. I call my sponsor. "Having a rough day. Things are going downhill fast. Snowballing. Any suggestions on how to turn this around?" He sends back to me: "Gratitude list. Start with "I am sober". So I did. I used my gratitude to get me through the day.
It still went downhill a little but it picked up by the end. I didn't get the grade I wanted on my last test. Found out that I got the wrong information from an advisor at the beginning of summer when I registered for classes and can't take what I want in the fall because I don't have the proper pre-requisite. So, with the test, I looked at my syllabus and can still get an A in the class with the material still yet to present to the teacher. With my courses for next semester, I talked to another advisor and to Chad and it's all going to be okay. I can take the classes I can take, still be able to work full time and I won't be off my timeline for graduating the nursing program at all. Just have to work a little harder in the spring of next year. All of these are very accomplishable goals.
The point I'm trying to get across is this. Losing track of the things that keep us centered and grounded can cause a snowball effect. Realizing that this was happening, I took a moment, reached out and found my center again. Put everything into its proper perspective and realized that I am in a much better place than I was, than some people are and never will be and that I needto take every minute possible and be GRATEFUL.
Thanks Haig for keeping me grounded. Thank you Chad for showing me love. Thank you God for giving me the courage to go on day to day.
Now I'm running late for the timeline I had established for my day.
Feeling really down and a little depressed. I call my sponsor. "Having a rough day. Things are going downhill fast. Snowballing. Any suggestions on how to turn this around?" He sends back to me: "Gratitude list. Start with "I am sober". So I did. I used my gratitude to get me through the day.
It still went downhill a little but it picked up by the end. I didn't get the grade I wanted on my last test. Found out that I got the wrong information from an advisor at the beginning of summer when I registered for classes and can't take what I want in the fall because I don't have the proper pre-requisite. So, with the test, I looked at my syllabus and can still get an A in the class with the material still yet to present to the teacher. With my courses for next semester, I talked to another advisor and to Chad and it's all going to be okay. I can take the classes I can take, still be able to work full time and I won't be off my timeline for graduating the nursing program at all. Just have to work a little harder in the spring of next year. All of these are very accomplishable goals.
The point I'm trying to get across is this. Losing track of the things that keep us centered and grounded can cause a snowball effect. Realizing that this was happening, I took a moment, reached out and found my center again. Put everything into its proper perspective and realized that I am in a much better place than I was, than some people are and never will be and that I needto take every minute possible and be GRATEFUL.
Thanks Haig for keeping me grounded. Thank you Chad for showing me love. Thank you God for giving me the courage to go on day to day.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Amazed
The past few weeks have left me totally amazed. The usual has been going on in my life, but things are changing and it feels like the changes are for the good instead of the bad.
One of the good things that's usually bad are the little fights that Chad and I get into. Now, I know you're saying how can a fight be good? Well, its good because I am starting to see growth from them. There's an old saying that goes, "Without pain, there can be no growth." I have seen plenty of growth in our pain. A fight that usually would have ended with a few hours of not talking and threatened actions has turned into ten minutes of heated discussion with a mutual agreement of faults from both sides. Its usually a reaction to an inappropriate action that caused the irrational behavior to begin with. It's in recognizing that both parties need to take some responsibility that allows for the growth.
Chad and I both got tattoos this week. They are addicting. My last tattoo has so many negative connections that I feel this one as a way of saying I can put my past behind me and I'm ready for the next adventure my lifes journey is presenting.
My last tattoo was done on a Monday in May two years ago. Tuesday I showed up to work so drunk i couldn't talk. Thursday I checked into rehab. Two years and a month to the day and I am no longer that same person. I am now someone I can look in the mirror and not be afraid to look myself in the eyes.
As most know, I'm at the gym almost everyday. I'm finally starting the see the changes in my body that bothers see. My muscles are getting more definition and, even though my weight is staying the same, I know I'm in the best shape Ive ever been in. One of my new sayings is,"You need help with that? Ive been working out." It's great for a good chuckle.
Overall, things are going pretty well. School starts in two weeks and I'm actually excited about starting. Ive let fear rule my life for so long, that I'm ready to stand up.for myself now and get the things that I want. Try it for yourself. You'll be amazed.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Hammertime
Seems lime its been a long time since I've written. A lot has happened. I spent a week in Key West; enrolled in college (again); my mom came for a visit and we've moved (again). Oh, and I've just celebrated my two year anniversary of being sober.
All of these things are a positive in my life. Its proved to me that I am stronger than I ever believed I could be. It has also shown me that things do work out for the best and that sometimes we need to make it happen and not just what for it to fall into my lap (thank you Chad for showing me this and being patient with me in your own unique way).
So why do I feel like I'm waiting for the hammer to drop.
I guess its because my whole life, anytime I've experienced a period of happiness, I've done something to fuck it up. For example, my life with Chad. I'm finding it hard to find that even ground. When he's having a bad day, I try to make him laugh and bring him up. When it rreally starts annoying him I back off and he thinks I'm upset. My wanting to give him nothing but happiness, ends up in turmoil and hurt. Its never my intention to upset him, but it happens. It just always seems that its my fault. Even when it isn't. But that's my own paranoia and anxiety over losing him. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I take it all in because I want to be there for him. And it seems, at least to me, that I'm always letting him down.
It hurts so much sometimes that I wonder Still myself if it wouldn't be easier if we weren't together. Then I look back at where we were before we met. I was ready to let it all go. Didn't care what happened to me. He was aimless and wandering. And now, with little jolts of pain here and there, we are both enrolled in school, looking forward to buying our own house in a few years, and trying our best to find love in every situation.
So, with all the good that's come in our lives, I say to the bad and negative, "Its hammertime".
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Breakfast. My last day in Key West.
This ones for Angela. I had my breakfast. And a little dessert too.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Sunrise
So....it isn't often that we find time to have quiet time in ourAs with all things it takes work. lives. To often we are weighed down with all the daily burdens of life: work, relationships, school, etc.... But an opportunity presented itself to me and it has turned out to be just the thing I needed. A chance to reconnect to things forgotten or put on the back burner. A chance to clear my mind and think about the future.
I'm in Key West this week on a little working vacation. It started out as a chance to help my old boss, Brian, and has turned out that I'm the one that needed the help.
I thought I could handle the move to Orlando. That I would be happy. Well I'm not. Not yet anyway. But its getting better all the time. I guess I thought it would be easier. I met with my AA sponsor after a meeting yesterday and we talked about things.
Why did I think it would be easy?
As with all things, its gonna take work. He told me I need to ground myself again. That I had let the things that made me happy in Key West seem unavailable in Orlando. That its there if I let it in. He's so right.
When the plane landed in Key West I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Yes, happy to be here but relaxed at the same time. Guard down. Yesterday I realized the whole time I've been in Orlando I've been waiting. Maybe waiting to go back to Key West or for an opportunity to drop at my feet. I should have been embracing what I have; thanking God for everything he's given me these past two (in 11 days) years; and giving back all that I can.
As you can see, I've realized a few things. I have more than most so shut up and be thankful; stop the self-pity crap and MAKE myself happy; and that I have the best, most supportive husband ever.
Its amazing what you can learn about yourself with just one sunrise.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Angels
Sorry I haven't written in a while, but some things have happened over the past few weeks and I needed a little distance to ensure that I was thinking properly and that I worded this the way I wanted without unintentionally hurting someone in the process. You see, a little over a week ago, the world lost a great person and heaven gained an angel.
No one truly understands why things happen the way the do. And it's very easy to explain it away as "God has better plans for her" or "the good always die young". But the realization is, one of our friends was killed in an accident and we are all angry, sad, hurting, lonely, afraid, pissed off, over dramatic, afraid. Yes, I said afraid twice and you're gonna hear it some more because we are AFRAID. I've heard many times over the past week that "that couldv'e been me". Yes, we have all been where Alicia was. Drunk and unruly. Wanting to drive, when we shouldn't. Out of control and not listening to our friends that only have our best interests at heart. It was an accident. For those of you that don't know, Alicia, in a frantic effort to try and drive herself home, got away from her friends and ran into traffic, was hit by a car and killed instantly.
It was a very long Friday night. Phone calls were made. Almost everyone at the Outback knew before the sun came up Saturday morning (which was about the time the people that were there were getting into bed).
Although I had only been a part of Alicia's life for a short while, she was infectious. Her smile was amazing and she could do anything she put her mind to. She was so loud, you could always hear her laugh in the dining room at work. SHE TOUCHED ME!!! As she did everyone that she came in contact with.
Now, I said earlier that I wanted to word this right as to not unintentionally hurt people. I say this because I am mad. It doesn't matter if you only knew Alicia for a few months or a few years, the simple matter is she was a co-worker and friend. Ben, Michael, Cory and Chad were there. They saw the whole thing. It doesn't matter how long they knew her, seeing something like that has to have an effect on your life. It will be something they never forget. Heather, Mallory and Josie can't keep saying to themselves, "If I'd only stayed longer!!" They feel partly responsible and they're playing the game. "If I'd only....." It hurts. It isn't only the three of them. It's all of us. "If I'd switched shifts with her and she closed would she have still gone out....?" "If I'd worked for her maybe she wouldn't have gone to that bar". We can't play these games with ourselves. But it still angers me that there are some people out there that say "why's he getting special treatment, he didn't even know her that long." Grow up.
Yes, we are still allowed to grieve. No one can tell you when to stop or that enough is enough. We all go through this process in our own way. We all have our philosophies on living and dying. The process of dealing with loss is never black and white. So take your time. Know that there are others out there still hurting. But also know, that sometimes you need to talk to someone in order to help make it all connect.
Denial, Acceptance, ANGER, Rationalization, Displacement. Blaming. It's natural to feel this way and, short of physical abuse, its all expected.
When I was in college, I took a class on Death and Dying. It was offered by one of my favorite teachers and it was a course that was only offered this one semester and you had to have a recommendation in order to be allowed to take the class. A big to do. The class was awesome and the professor was very passionate about it. My final project was on the afterlife. The beliefs of the church from many points of view and what we, the people, wanted or viewed the afterlife to be. It was an enormous endeavor. It came down to a few weeks before the project was due and I got scared it wasn't gonna be done. I never went back to class. It bothered me the whole summer. So upon returning to school I had decided to go, explain my case and see if I could deliver my final project (with a loss of grade of course) and just pass the class. I went to my professors office and his name was gone. I found one of the other teaches I knew and asked where I could find him thinking they moved his office and was told he died over the summer. I was devastated. My teacher and friend was gone. After a long talk, I found out that he had been diagnosed with cancer before the beginning of the school year and wanted to offer the class on death and dying for personal reasons. I understood know why he was taking such an interest in my project. I wouldn't forgive myself for a long time. Father Raymond Appicella is still missed.
At Alicia's funeral, the preacher told us to live each day to the fullest. To make the most out of everything that we'd been given. It has taken me the majority of my 44 years of life to understand this. Sometimes we get bogged down by the realism of it all, but for the most part, I try to laugh and be in positive spirits knowing the dark side as I've walked that road before.
As for my Outback family....I love the way we came together. Seeing how loss can bring a family close and knowing that we are there for each other is spectacular to say the least. Alicia was our co-worker and, most importantly, our friend. Her time here on this plane may have been cut short, but I can rest a little easier at night knowing she is up there, watching over us along with all the other ANGELS.
No one truly understands why things happen the way the do. And it's very easy to explain it away as "God has better plans for her" or "the good always die young". But the realization is, one of our friends was killed in an accident and we are all angry, sad, hurting, lonely, afraid, pissed off, over dramatic, afraid. Yes, I said afraid twice and you're gonna hear it some more because we are AFRAID. I've heard many times over the past week that "that couldv'e been me". Yes, we have all been where Alicia was. Drunk and unruly. Wanting to drive, when we shouldn't. Out of control and not listening to our friends that only have our best interests at heart. It was an accident. For those of you that don't know, Alicia, in a frantic effort to try and drive herself home, got away from her friends and ran into traffic, was hit by a car and killed instantly.
It was a very long Friday night. Phone calls were made. Almost everyone at the Outback knew before the sun came up Saturday morning (which was about the time the people that were there were getting into bed).
Although I had only been a part of Alicia's life for a short while, she was infectious. Her smile was amazing and she could do anything she put her mind to. She was so loud, you could always hear her laugh in the dining room at work. SHE TOUCHED ME!!! As she did everyone that she came in contact with.
Now, I said earlier that I wanted to word this right as to not unintentionally hurt people. I say this because I am mad. It doesn't matter if you only knew Alicia for a few months or a few years, the simple matter is she was a co-worker and friend. Ben, Michael, Cory and Chad were there. They saw the whole thing. It doesn't matter how long they knew her, seeing something like that has to have an effect on your life. It will be something they never forget. Heather, Mallory and Josie can't keep saying to themselves, "If I'd only stayed longer!!" They feel partly responsible and they're playing the game. "If I'd only....." It hurts. It isn't only the three of them. It's all of us. "If I'd switched shifts with her and she closed would she have still gone out....?" "If I'd worked for her maybe she wouldn't have gone to that bar". We can't play these games with ourselves. But it still angers me that there are some people out there that say "why's he getting special treatment, he didn't even know her that long." Grow up.
Yes, we are still allowed to grieve. No one can tell you when to stop or that enough is enough. We all go through this process in our own way. We all have our philosophies on living and dying. The process of dealing with loss is never black and white. So take your time. Know that there are others out there still hurting. But also know, that sometimes you need to talk to someone in order to help make it all connect.
Denial, Acceptance, ANGER, Rationalization, Displacement. Blaming. It's natural to feel this way and, short of physical abuse, its all expected.
When I was in college, I took a class on Death and Dying. It was offered by one of my favorite teachers and it was a course that was only offered this one semester and you had to have a recommendation in order to be allowed to take the class. A big to do. The class was awesome and the professor was very passionate about it. My final project was on the afterlife. The beliefs of the church from many points of view and what we, the people, wanted or viewed the afterlife to be. It was an enormous endeavor. It came down to a few weeks before the project was due and I got scared it wasn't gonna be done. I never went back to class. It bothered me the whole summer. So upon returning to school I had decided to go, explain my case and see if I could deliver my final project (with a loss of grade of course) and just pass the class. I went to my professors office and his name was gone. I found one of the other teaches I knew and asked where I could find him thinking they moved his office and was told he died over the summer. I was devastated. My teacher and friend was gone. After a long talk, I found out that he had been diagnosed with cancer before the beginning of the school year and wanted to offer the class on death and dying for personal reasons. I understood know why he was taking such an interest in my project. I wouldn't forgive myself for a long time. Father Raymond Appicella is still missed.
At Alicia's funeral, the preacher told us to live each day to the fullest. To make the most out of everything that we'd been given. It has taken me the majority of my 44 years of life to understand this. Sometimes we get bogged down by the realism of it all, but for the most part, I try to laugh and be in positive spirits knowing the dark side as I've walked that road before.
As for my Outback family....I love the way we came together. Seeing how loss can bring a family close and knowing that we are there for each other is spectacular to say the least. Alicia was our co-worker and, most importantly, our friend. Her time here on this plane may have been cut short, but I can rest a little easier at night knowing she is up there, watching over us along with all the other ANGELS.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Cry
Why don't things work out the way we plan or hope they will? Only our higher power knows. I'm sitting here on the couch on the verge of tears bWecause my man is having a bad day.
We went to our mortgage guy this morning. Things are moving along fine but we still have a few more months to go. Money continues to be a problem as we are not making what we were used to in key west.
Things shouldn't be this hard and I look at Chad and want to just hold him and tell him everything will be alright. I wish it was that easy.
I heard someone say once that men have an overwhelming desire to provide for their families and this sense to provide can sometimes override them to a point of obsession. This is my man. It makes me want to do everything I can to ease his pain. Usually I overdo it by trying to make him laugh; take his mind away from all the stress. This usually backfires on me and I end up getting my feelings hurt. How selfish I am.
So the best thing we can do, I've heard, is to let him know them know we're here if they need us. Try to be as supportive as possible and take a little burden off their shoulders. As I've said before, relationships take a lot of work. Sometimes the only thing you can do is have a little cry.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Understanding
Ever feel like you're trying harder in the relationship than your partner? That maybe your goals for the future just aren't the same? That you need to get away for a while and appreciate what you have? That's how I've been feeling lately.
Now don't jump to conclusions. Read on. I love the life that I have now. Chad and I have created a very comfortable existence for ourselves. Yes, there's always the want for better and more,but I propose this: If you have had a hard, unhappy past several years of your life, wouldn't you want to take time and enjoy the happiness you finally found for a while before traversing the road of difficult once again?
Chad wants me to go back to school. "Don't you want to better yourself?" He says. I understand he's only looking out for my best interest. But maybe I don't wanna do all that again. Maybe its not the right time for me. Maybe I wanna stay home and take care of our house and dogs. I'll still work of course. I just want the chance to enjoy our lives together for a while before jumping into something where we will never get to see each other.
It drives me crazy that he's always pushing and driving. Never taking a moment to enjoy what he's got. All I'm looking for is a little understanding.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Early Mornings
More often than not, I find myself awake in the wee hours of the morn after very little sleep. I don't mind. The time spent alone in solitude is great for personal reflection and catching up on little things that you seem to never have the time for (caught up on your blogs Angela, sorry!!). There's just so much going through my mind that if, no, when I wake up to take the dogs out in the middle of the night, I just can't seem to find that restful point in which to slip back in to slumberland.
I should be able to. It's not like I don't do anything on my days off to make me tired. And I know there are days when I wish I could take naps on the couch but time does not permit. SO I don't understand the cruelty of life in this aspect. When you should, you can't. And when you can't, you really need to. Crazy!!!!
Chad and I started a new diet this month. It's been very successful, and a little nerve racking. We both have just been miserable. We gained a lot of weight over the past year with him stopping smoking and before that with me not drinking. It's amazing how the mind controls what we do to our bodies. When I stopped drinking, I craved sugar. Usually in the form of Ben and Jerry's. BAM!!! Gained 25 pounds. And Chad being the supportive type that he is, would join me on the couch for the gorge fest. When Chad, stopped smoking, we continued the tradition by replacing a cig with a pint of ice cream. BAM!!!! gained another 20.
So, here we both are after moving to Orlando, which didn't stop the onslaught of creamy goodness, it just perpetuated it a little more. Me, from being a little depressed for leaving Key West and my supportive husband trying to handle the stress of relocation and buying a house (always trying to be the provider, love him for that). Well, here we are unable to wear most of our clothes and being total grumps about it. Time to do something. We've tried fad diets and expensive diets which never seem to work. Usually because they were too expensive or just inconvenient with our schedules. After looking around, we finally found one we could be okay with.
Once a week we go to Inverness (about and hour and a half from Orlando) to see the doctor. While there, we get weighed-in, have our food journals looked at and receive injections of B12 and a combination of other things that help our bodies convert complex carbs into a substance the body can easily get rid of and that helps the body burn fat instead of muscle. We also take an appetite suppressant before eating which has helped us reduce our intake and increase our metabolism. Plus we've started working out. All in all, not a bad way to educate ourselves on how to treat our bodies with a little respect. The low carb diet is also very easily managed with our schedules since we can eat almost everything at work without much alteration of the menu (no fried foods and very little butter; no starch or pasta, etc....).
After a month of being good and doing to the doctor once a week, Chad has lost a little over 16 pounds (great job) and I have lost a little over 21. My goal weight is 206 and I'm at 225 right now. Another two months and I'll be golden. Chad too. He's right on target. It just amazes me that when we weigh-in we are both a little disappointed. We have a good week: exercise three to four times a week, we are eating right and drinking plenty of water. But still, when the nurse looks at you and says, "Your down another 3.8 pounds." (which is good) in my head I'm saying, "Damn, I wanted 10." Felt like 10. Worked hard enough for 10. Damn, 3.8!!??!?! Oh, well. I try to not be discouraged. 21 pounds in a month is still very, very good. I guess I know now what the contestants on Biggest Loser feel like when they get on the scale and only get a 1 or 2. It sucks!!!!! Not that I'm working as hard as they are, but it's the mental aspect of the game. You feel like you deserve more.
I've been up for almost two hours now. Chad came out and went to the bathroom, gave me a kiss on the head, and went back to bed. I'm gonna wake him up in an hour so we can hit the gym. Well, he can at least. I forgot that Bare (our big little puppy) has a vet appointment at ten. I've gotta take him since Chad has to go to work. So, I hope to come home from the vet, take a little nap, and then hit the gym this afternoon. Who knows what will happen. I can always look forward to another early morning.
I should be able to. It's not like I don't do anything on my days off to make me tired. And I know there are days when I wish I could take naps on the couch but time does not permit. SO I don't understand the cruelty of life in this aspect. When you should, you can't. And when you can't, you really need to. Crazy!!!!
Chad and I started a new diet this month. It's been very successful, and a little nerve racking. We both have just been miserable. We gained a lot of weight over the past year with him stopping smoking and before that with me not drinking. It's amazing how the mind controls what we do to our bodies. When I stopped drinking, I craved sugar. Usually in the form of Ben and Jerry's. BAM!!! Gained 25 pounds. And Chad being the supportive type that he is, would join me on the couch for the gorge fest. When Chad, stopped smoking, we continued the tradition by replacing a cig with a pint of ice cream. BAM!!!! gained another 20.
So, here we both are after moving to Orlando, which didn't stop the onslaught of creamy goodness, it just perpetuated it a little more. Me, from being a little depressed for leaving Key West and my supportive husband trying to handle the stress of relocation and buying a house (always trying to be the provider, love him for that). Well, here we are unable to wear most of our clothes and being total grumps about it. Time to do something. We've tried fad diets and expensive diets which never seem to work. Usually because they were too expensive or just inconvenient with our schedules. After looking around, we finally found one we could be okay with.
Once a week we go to Inverness (about and hour and a half from Orlando) to see the doctor. While there, we get weighed-in, have our food journals looked at and receive injections of B12 and a combination of other things that help our bodies convert complex carbs into a substance the body can easily get rid of and that helps the body burn fat instead of muscle. We also take an appetite suppressant before eating which has helped us reduce our intake and increase our metabolism. Plus we've started working out. All in all, not a bad way to educate ourselves on how to treat our bodies with a little respect. The low carb diet is also very easily managed with our schedules since we can eat almost everything at work without much alteration of the menu (no fried foods and very little butter; no starch or pasta, etc....).
After a month of being good and doing to the doctor once a week, Chad has lost a little over 16 pounds (great job) and I have lost a little over 21. My goal weight is 206 and I'm at 225 right now. Another two months and I'll be golden. Chad too. He's right on target. It just amazes me that when we weigh-in we are both a little disappointed. We have a good week: exercise three to four times a week, we are eating right and drinking plenty of water. But still, when the nurse looks at you and says, "Your down another 3.8 pounds." (which is good) in my head I'm saying, "Damn, I wanted 10." Felt like 10. Worked hard enough for 10. Damn, 3.8!!??!?! Oh, well. I try to not be discouraged. 21 pounds in a month is still very, very good. I guess I know now what the contestants on Biggest Loser feel like when they get on the scale and only get a 1 or 2. It sucks!!!!! Not that I'm working as hard as they are, but it's the mental aspect of the game. You feel like you deserve more.
I've been up for almost two hours now. Chad came out and went to the bathroom, gave me a kiss on the head, and went back to bed. I'm gonna wake him up in an hour so we can hit the gym. Well, he can at least. I forgot that Bare (our big little puppy) has a vet appointment at ten. I've gotta take him since Chad has to go to work. So, I hope to come home from the vet, take a little nap, and then hit the gym this afternoon. Who knows what will happen. I can always look forward to another early morning.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Caregiver
It's funny to me to roles that people play. I know I've touched on this in an earlier blog about how over time the roles we play in our lives change (from partier to mother, etc., etc.,....) but for the most part our basic instincts have stayed the same. You if look back at your life and really examine your character over the years, I'm sure you'll see that you have the same basic role, but you've just played it differently. I am a caregiver.
Last night Chad and I had "date night". Our lives have been really hectic since moving to Orlando and it seems that we don't spend any time with each other even though we see each other quite a bit throughout the day. It was great. We went to a movie ("I am number 4"; it's really good) and then dinner (Bubba Gump at City Walk; terrible service). I know this seems like no extraordinary night, but it means a lot. When we get busy and get brought down to living day to day without making any real time to do things with each other, you lose a little bit of that special bond. Now, sitting on the couch watching T.V. is together time, but are you really interacting with each other? NO. Being out gives you the chance to talk. To do something together that's out of the ordinary. We played video games before the movie since we were early. We laughed with each other and competed. It lets you know something about your partner that you may have forgotten or that slipped to the wayside. We had a good time.
But I am on a tangent. The role of caregiver has always been in my life. But I lost track of that at some point even though I can retrace my steps over the past few years and see that it wasn't lost. I was still doing it, but it was downplayed. Since Chad and I met, the role of caregiver has come to the forefront once again. And I love it. I had forgotten how self-fulfilling it is to be self-less. To stand outside of yourself and do for others. We forget that in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.
I remember a time in my life when I was the caregiver for a quadriplegic. Dan. Imagine if you will not having the use of your arms and legs. This young man wanted to finish college after his accident and go into Sports Management. I was at a low point (one of many) in my life and didn't have anything to do. No job. School was not in the picture. So I found Dan and spent the next two and half years being his arms and legs. It got to me sometimes. And there were plenty of times when I was selfish. But it made me feel great to know that I helped him finish college and get placed at the University of Tennessee Athletic Department.
It's almost like that with Chad. Kidding. But I love the way it makes me feel. I never thought in a million years that I would get up in the morning, take the dogs for a walk, go to they gym with Chad and work out, come home make breakfast, pack his lunch and dinner and send him off to work. Now shut up. I'm not the woman or the housewife. I take my manhood very seriously. Just with a little more flare. But these are the roles that we fill. He's the provider. It's important to him to make us a nice home and to have nice things. I'm the caregiver. I take care of the nice things and make sure he's able to give them to me.
Sounds pretty simple, but it isn't. I love the life we have. A lot of people yearn for what we have. It takes a lot of work. But we all deserve it. God didn't put us here to be unhappy. Sometimes we just need a kick in the butt to realize it. So fill your role with grace and flare. There's nothing wrong with it. And if you need a little help along the way.... come talk to me . I'm the caregiver.
Last night Chad and I had "date night". Our lives have been really hectic since moving to Orlando and it seems that we don't spend any time with each other even though we see each other quite a bit throughout the day. It was great. We went to a movie ("I am number 4"; it's really good) and then dinner (Bubba Gump at City Walk; terrible service). I know this seems like no extraordinary night, but it means a lot. When we get busy and get brought down to living day to day without making any real time to do things with each other, you lose a little bit of that special bond. Now, sitting on the couch watching T.V. is together time, but are you really interacting with each other? NO. Being out gives you the chance to talk. To do something together that's out of the ordinary. We played video games before the movie since we were early. We laughed with each other and competed. It lets you know something about your partner that you may have forgotten or that slipped to the wayside. We had a good time.
But I am on a tangent. The role of caregiver has always been in my life. But I lost track of that at some point even though I can retrace my steps over the past few years and see that it wasn't lost. I was still doing it, but it was downplayed. Since Chad and I met, the role of caregiver has come to the forefront once again. And I love it. I had forgotten how self-fulfilling it is to be self-less. To stand outside of yourself and do for others. We forget that in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.
I remember a time in my life when I was the caregiver for a quadriplegic. Dan. Imagine if you will not having the use of your arms and legs. This young man wanted to finish college after his accident and go into Sports Management. I was at a low point (one of many) in my life and didn't have anything to do. No job. School was not in the picture. So I found Dan and spent the next two and half years being his arms and legs. It got to me sometimes. And there were plenty of times when I was selfish. But it made me feel great to know that I helped him finish college and get placed at the University of Tennessee Athletic Department.
It's almost like that with Chad. Kidding. But I love the way it makes me feel. I never thought in a million years that I would get up in the morning, take the dogs for a walk, go to they gym with Chad and work out, come home make breakfast, pack his lunch and dinner and send him off to work. Now shut up. I'm not the woman or the housewife. I take my manhood very seriously. Just with a little more flare. But these are the roles that we fill. He's the provider. It's important to him to make us a nice home and to have nice things. I'm the caregiver. I take care of the nice things and make sure he's able to give them to me.
Sounds pretty simple, but it isn't. I love the life we have. A lot of people yearn for what we have. It takes a lot of work. But we all deserve it. God didn't put us here to be unhappy. Sometimes we just need a kick in the butt to realize it. So fill your role with grace and flare. There's nothing wrong with it. And if you need a little help along the way.... come talk to me . I'm the caregiver.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
A Glimpse of Understanding
I'm beginning to love my days off again. It's been such a hustle and bustle since Chad and I moved to Orlando, but it seems like things are finally settling down. We both are getting the schedules we want (more or less) and we are getting our lives in order for the next step (the house). So, in getting to this happy point of our lives, I can start paying attention to two young fellows who always seem to get the short end of the stick.
Chad and I both work a lot; doubles at least four out of six days. So on our days off we really don't want to do much. My perfect day off consists of getting out of bed and moving to the couch. Getting off the couch to get a bite to eat. Getting off the couch to go to the bathroom. Getting off the couch to go to bed. PERFECT!!!!!!! Somewhere between doing nothing on my day off and working, I still do the laundry, clean the house and shop. Kinda busy.
And I'm forgetting the dogs. These two, wonderful souls that enrich our lives so much, but always seem to take the back burner to everything else. They never ask for much: food, water, the occasional bathroom break and a back rub or two, here or there. We take them for granted, much like we do each other. We expect them to warm our feet on cold night; give us a kiss when we get home from a rough day; and to be loyal to our every order. What's really happening is that they stay locked in their crates all day while we work, holding their bladders until we can make time for them. We yell at them when they bark, and sometimes forget to feed or water them. But they are there.
Every time we come home, they jump on us and lick us. They bring us their favorite, often smelly, toy and ask nothing of us but to play a little fetch. And more time than naught, it seems as though it's to much of a bother. Well, it's not.
In Key West, I used to love playing fetch with Bare in the morning before Chad got up. There we had a nice fenced in yard where this was possible. Here, in apartment life, this isn't. They both have to be on leashes most of the time and where Bare is older and listens when I call, Percy is to small and would run out into traffic if I let him off his leash. It's not a very nice life for these two.
Today I took them to a dog park and realized that I owe as much time, attention and affection to these two lovely pups as would any parent to their child. Percy is an amazing animal. He is quick and vibrant and loves to play in the mud (although I could do without it). Bare loves jogging and playing in the water. Being with other dogs, these two amaze me as they don't get as much time to interact with other animals as I would like. Percy, reminds me of a Peanuts episode I saw once where Snoopy would lie in wait to attack a passerby. Percy does the same thing. It's great watching him think that the other dog can't see him as he lays there. Waiting. POUNCE!!!!! Wow!
So, it is even more important for me to get them out of this apartment and into a house with a fenced yard where they can roam, run, pounce, play and poop freely. These are my children. And though I may never truly know what it's like to raise children, I understand the importance parents feel to make a life for their children where it is safe. Where they can grow at their own pace and be the individuals they are. So I thank my two best friends for giving me this glimpse of understanding.
Chad and I both work a lot; doubles at least four out of six days. So on our days off we really don't want to do much. My perfect day off consists of getting out of bed and moving to the couch. Getting off the couch to get a bite to eat. Getting off the couch to go to the bathroom. Getting off the couch to go to bed. PERFECT!!!!!!! Somewhere between doing nothing on my day off and working, I still do the laundry, clean the house and shop. Kinda busy.
And I'm forgetting the dogs. These two, wonderful souls that enrich our lives so much, but always seem to take the back burner to everything else. They never ask for much: food, water, the occasional bathroom break and a back rub or two, here or there. We take them for granted, much like we do each other. We expect them to warm our feet on cold night; give us a kiss when we get home from a rough day; and to be loyal to our every order. What's really happening is that they stay locked in their crates all day while we work, holding their bladders until we can make time for them. We yell at them when they bark, and sometimes forget to feed or water them. But they are there.
Every time we come home, they jump on us and lick us. They bring us their favorite, often smelly, toy and ask nothing of us but to play a little fetch. And more time than naught, it seems as though it's to much of a bother. Well, it's not.
In Key West, I used to love playing fetch with Bare in the morning before Chad got up. There we had a nice fenced in yard where this was possible. Here, in apartment life, this isn't. They both have to be on leashes most of the time and where Bare is older and listens when I call, Percy is to small and would run out into traffic if I let him off his leash. It's not a very nice life for these two.
Today I took them to a dog park and realized that I owe as much time, attention and affection to these two lovely pups as would any parent to their child. Percy is an amazing animal. He is quick and vibrant and loves to play in the mud (although I could do without it). Bare loves jogging and playing in the water. Being with other dogs, these two amaze me as they don't get as much time to interact with other animals as I would like. Percy, reminds me of a Peanuts episode I saw once where Snoopy would lie in wait to attack a passerby. Percy does the same thing. It's great watching him think that the other dog can't see him as he lays there. Waiting. POUNCE!!!!! Wow!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Friends
This past weekend, I had the chance to get together with some old friends of mine. We hadn't seen each other together in about twelve years. Although we've read about each other on Facebook, and had the ocassional phone call, we hadn't seen face to face. The impetus behind seeing each other now was that one of the girls, Wendy, was coming down to visit family in the area and we all decided to get together.
Gotta admit that I was a little hesitant. It had been a long time since we'd seen each other and so much had changed. But I went. One of the things I've been trying to do, changing one of my character defects, is to not turn my back on the past. One of the things I've always been able to do is close the door on my past and never look back. I've lost many friends over the years because of this. It's something I developed as a child. It's much harder to get hurt when you don't allow anyone in your life. I always thought it was harder to keep people in your life. It's so much work. Phone calls, letters, lunches, meetings, family events, etc., etc., etc.,..... Now, I want these things.
But like I said, it all stems from my childhood. I was so alone that I created my own little world. I never developed social skills. I was so awkward. Never knowing the right thing to say.and when I did speak, I usually found myself saying the wrong thing which made me withdraw further into myself. I was also notorious for doing things that made people look at me like "What were you thinking?" I was truly in my own world where no one understood me or had time for me. Later in life, this turned into many little problems. Social anxiety disorder and claustrophobia are the big ones. Although, I've learned to come out of my shell, it still presents itself from time to time especially when dealing with anything from the past.
Th only time I ever came out of this shell was when I was drinking. We drink to be something that we're not. To tear down our walls and live outside of ourselves. So I thought. I've come to learn that I can be anything I want to be without drinking. Although I sometimes miss this euphoric feeling, I don't miss the feelings of guilt and regret usually associated with the onset of remembering what I did after sobering up. This past weekend was rough because I wanted to drink and be who I was in the past. The one the girls all knew. But I know they love me better this way. Or so I hope.
Anyway, seeing the girls with their kids was amazing. Wendy came down from Mass. with her husband and child (Paul and Caleb). So cute. It was good to see that Wendy had stayed the same. She was always able to make me smile and laugh. It's good to see that she met someone that balances her and that their child will grow in a loving and laughing atmosphere.
Vicky (Victoria Vesuvius Venus Filet Velez-Agriesti) has fallen into the roll of mother and caregiver with an ease that staggers me. Vicky was always the free-spirit. Did what she wanted always being mindful of others but having so much fun it was amazing. She's still the same way. She has two boys now - Anthony and Joshua Jr.. It's gonna be awesome to see these two boys grow with all the love that she has to give.
Cat. Wow!!!! When I met Cat she was coming out of a divorce with two small boys on her side. She tackles life like any New Yorker. Guns blazing and all be damned if you get in my way. But I think she's the glue to kept us all together. She's amazing in how she manages to get everything done and still have so much fun with life while never losing sight of what she wants. Not to mention that her two boys are grown now and I remember babysitting them when they were still in diapers. I still wonder how we all didn't end up in jail after some of the things we'd done, but I like the way our lives have led us to where we are now.
After lunch with the girls, I said hi to a few other friends I hadn't seen in a while and then headed to Wendy's Aunts house, Linda (my first Outback boss). She was having a family get together and, since it was on my way back to Orlando, I stopped by. Needless to say, once again, I was amazed. She looked the same, but the children were grown now. The twins, Austin and Ryan, whom I used to sit for are 13 now; Hannah 12, all taller than Linda. Haley, who is now 21, was just in elementary school when I first got to know Linda. Just incredible where life has taken us.
I feel that time plays tricks on us. One day, you're the new kid who thinks he'll never fit in and the next, you're watching as your friends get married, have families and grow up. Even me, whom I thought would never have furniture of my own, is sitting in front of the computer each month paying bills, and wondering how we are ever gonna buy a house without cutting back on some of our luxury expenses. I keep reminding myself that there are people out there that do it with less than we have, and in all due time, God will fulfill all our dreams and wishes.
Gotta admit that I was a little hesitant. It had been a long time since we'd seen each other and so much had changed. But I went. One of the things I've been trying to do, changing one of my character defects, is to not turn my back on the past. One of the things I've always been able to do is close the door on my past and never look back. I've lost many friends over the years because of this. It's something I developed as a child. It's much harder to get hurt when you don't allow anyone in your life. I always thought it was harder to keep people in your life. It's so much work. Phone calls, letters, lunches, meetings, family events, etc., etc., etc.,..... Now, I want these things.
But like I said, it all stems from my childhood. I was so alone that I created my own little world. I never developed social skills. I was so awkward. Never knowing the right thing to say.and when I did speak, I usually found myself saying the wrong thing which made me withdraw further into myself. I was also notorious for doing things that made people look at me like "What were you thinking?" I was truly in my own world where no one understood me or had time for me. Later in life, this turned into many little problems. Social anxiety disorder and claustrophobia are the big ones. Although, I've learned to come out of my shell, it still presents itself from time to time especially when dealing with anything from the past.
Th only time I ever came out of this shell was when I was drinking. We drink to be something that we're not. To tear down our walls and live outside of ourselves. So I thought. I've come to learn that I can be anything I want to be without drinking. Although I sometimes miss this euphoric feeling, I don't miss the feelings of guilt and regret usually associated with the onset of remembering what I did after sobering up. This past weekend was rough because I wanted to drink and be who I was in the past. The one the girls all knew. But I know they love me better this way. Or so I hope.
Anyway, seeing the girls with their kids was amazing. Wendy came down from Mass. with her husband and child (Paul and Caleb). So cute. It was good to see that Wendy had stayed the same. She was always able to make me smile and laugh. It's good to see that she met someone that balances her and that their child will grow in a loving and laughing atmosphere.
Vicky (Victoria Vesuvius Venus Filet Velez-Agriesti) has fallen into the roll of mother and caregiver with an ease that staggers me. Vicky was always the free-spirit. Did what she wanted always being mindful of others but having so much fun it was amazing. She's still the same way. She has two boys now - Anthony and Joshua Jr.. It's gonna be awesome to see these two boys grow with all the love that she has to give.
Cat. Wow!!!! When I met Cat she was coming out of a divorce with two small boys on her side. She tackles life like any New Yorker. Guns blazing and all be damned if you get in my way. But I think she's the glue to kept us all together. She's amazing in how she manages to get everything done and still have so much fun with life while never losing sight of what she wants. Not to mention that her two boys are grown now and I remember babysitting them when they were still in diapers. I still wonder how we all didn't end up in jail after some of the things we'd done, but I like the way our lives have led us to where we are now.
After lunch with the girls, I said hi to a few other friends I hadn't seen in a while and then headed to Wendy's Aunts house, Linda (my first Outback boss). She was having a family get together and, since it was on my way back to Orlando, I stopped by. Needless to say, once again, I was amazed. She looked the same, but the children were grown now. The twins, Austin and Ryan, whom I used to sit for are 13 now; Hannah 12, all taller than Linda. Haley, who is now 21, was just in elementary school when I first got to know Linda. Just incredible where life has taken us.
I feel that time plays tricks on us. One day, you're the new kid who thinks he'll never fit in and the next, you're watching as your friends get married, have families and grow up. Even me, whom I thought would never have furniture of my own, is sitting in front of the computer each month paying bills, and wondering how we are ever gonna buy a house without cutting back on some of our luxury expenses. I keep reminding myself that there are people out there that do it with less than we have, and in all due time, God will fulfill all our dreams and wishes.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
What Dreams May Come
As most of you know, Chad and I recently moved to Orlando. The move was great, but there were troubled waters that we had to navigate. It's been a little over a month now and things have started to settle down. The one thing that we are striving for more than anything is to buy a house. We knew it would be a long and harried road we traveled, but even still it brings on more stress and frustration than most could imagine.
The biggest thing we had to worry about were credit scores. We had started working on Chad's credit over a year ago and almost have it in place. My credit isn't so bad, it's just that there is no recent on-going credit history. So we were told to open a secue line of credit to show good credit history and to clean up the glitches that were there. No big deal.
We are also trying to show that Chad's income is substantial since we will more than likely be using his credit history to establish the loan. In order to do this, Chad has started working a second job. No big deal for him since he is a work horse and has always worked two jobs. But, this time he is working two full time jobs. This is where it gets fun.
In order to get what we want, we both have to make sacrifices. Totally understandable. The sacrafice I make is not having my partner around as much as I would like. And when I do get to see him, he needs his personal space. Time to relax and release. Also totally understandable. So, when do we get to talk? When do we get to have our lives?
A wise friend once told me that marriage and relationships take a lot of work. And that as long as love is the motivation behind the action, then patience and undertanding is the most important quality to hold close to your heart. This is becoming more and more evident. I know that in six months, when we have our house, things will go back to normal (hopefully). I know that Chad does these things out of love and the need to have nice things in our life. The desire to provide for his family is very important for Chad. Living in a one bedroom apartment with two dogs isn't something that either one of us wanted to do for a long period of time.
Still there are those times when the level of stress and the underlying pressure of trying to do what is best for the relationship is to much. For example: We both have been working a lot lately. I'm doing doubles at Outback and Chad is going back and forth from Outback to Chilis and doesn't get a full day off. Yesterday, I found myself picking a fight with him over something that I know bothers him just so I get some one-on-one time with my husband. It just seemed that we haven't really talked to each other in a while and I would rather fight than not say anything at all. My God, how stupid is that. But it happens. Relationships are a very fragile thing and knowing how to push ones buttons is very dangerous. Pick your battles wisely because they can blow up in your face.
So, I looked a few things up on line and did a little reading. When times get tough like that, it is said that its better to talk to your partner when the time is right, and maybe set a few minutes aside in the morning before work or the evening before bed, where the two of you can talk. Doesn't matter what. How was work? The dog's did something totally incredible today? etc., etc.,... It is even suggested that a random act of kindness toward your partner could save a lot hassels. Try a spontaneous foot rub, or leave them a note saying you've taken the dogs (kids) to the park. Relax for a bit.
By doing this, it alows the stress levels to decrease and allows for a much more open and flowing relationship. When it does feel like your gonna explode, I learned from many AA classes, just say to your mate: "Hey, I need a little space." Breathe. Try to put yourself in the others shoes and realize that it isn't about you. Your just not that important.
Who knows, by talking things out and giving each other a little room, you may never know what dreams may come.
The biggest thing we had to worry about were credit scores. We had started working on Chad's credit over a year ago and almost have it in place. My credit isn't so bad, it's just that there is no recent on-going credit history. So we were told to open a secue line of credit to show good credit history and to clean up the glitches that were there. No big deal.
We are also trying to show that Chad's income is substantial since we will more than likely be using his credit history to establish the loan. In order to do this, Chad has started working a second job. No big deal for him since he is a work horse and has always worked two jobs. But, this time he is working two full time jobs. This is where it gets fun.
In order to get what we want, we both have to make sacrifices. Totally understandable. The sacrafice I make is not having my partner around as much as I would like. And when I do get to see him, he needs his personal space. Time to relax and release. Also totally understandable. So, when do we get to talk? When do we get to have our lives?
A wise friend once told me that marriage and relationships take a lot of work. And that as long as love is the motivation behind the action, then patience and undertanding is the most important quality to hold close to your heart. This is becoming more and more evident. I know that in six months, when we have our house, things will go back to normal (hopefully). I know that Chad does these things out of love and the need to have nice things in our life. The desire to provide for his family is very important for Chad. Living in a one bedroom apartment with two dogs isn't something that either one of us wanted to do for a long period of time.
Still there are those times when the level of stress and the underlying pressure of trying to do what is best for the relationship is to much. For example: We both have been working a lot lately. I'm doing doubles at Outback and Chad is going back and forth from Outback to Chilis and doesn't get a full day off. Yesterday, I found myself picking a fight with him over something that I know bothers him just so I get some one-on-one time with my husband. It just seemed that we haven't really talked to each other in a while and I would rather fight than not say anything at all. My God, how stupid is that. But it happens. Relationships are a very fragile thing and knowing how to push ones buttons is very dangerous. Pick your battles wisely because they can blow up in your face.
So, I looked a few things up on line and did a little reading. When times get tough like that, it is said that its better to talk to your partner when the time is right, and maybe set a few minutes aside in the morning before work or the evening before bed, where the two of you can talk. Doesn't matter what. How was work? The dog's did something totally incredible today? etc., etc.,... It is even suggested that a random act of kindness toward your partner could save a lot hassels. Try a spontaneous foot rub, or leave them a note saying you've taken the dogs (kids) to the park. Relax for a bit.
By doing this, it alows the stress levels to decrease and allows for a much more open and flowing relationship. When it does feel like your gonna explode, I learned from many AA classes, just say to your mate: "Hey, I need a little space." Breathe. Try to put yourself in the others shoes and realize that it isn't about you. Your just not that important.
Who knows, by talking things out and giving each other a little room, you may never know what dreams may come.
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