Hammertime

Seems lime its been a long time since I've written.  A lot has happened.  I spent a week in Key West; enrolled in college (again); my mom came for a visit and we've moved (again).  Oh, and I've just celebrated my two year anniversary of being sober.

All of these things are a positive in my life.  Its proved to me that I am stronger than I ever believed I could be.  It has also shown me that things do work out for the best and that sometimes we need to make it happen and not just what for it to fall into my lap (thank you Chad for showing me this and being patient with me in your own unique way).

So why do I feel like I'm waiting for the hammer to drop.

I guess its because my whole life, anytime I've experienced a period of happiness, I've done something to fuck it up.  For example, my life with Chad.  I'm finding it hard to find that even ground.  When he's having a bad day, I try to make him laugh and bring him up.  When it rreally starts annoying him I back off and he thinks I'm upset.  My wanting to give him nothing but happiness, ends up in turmoil and hurt.  Its never my intention to upset him, but it happens.  It just always seems that its my fault.  Even when it isn't.  But that's my own paranoia and anxiety over losing him.  I just don't know what to do sometimes.  I take it all in because I want to be there for him. And it seems, at least to me, that I'm always letting him down. 

It hurts so much sometimes that I wonder Still myself if it wouldn't be easier if we weren't together.  Then I look back at where we were before we met.  I was ready to let it all go.  Didn't care what happened to me.   He was aimless and wandering.  And now, with little jolts of pain here and there, we are both enrolled in school, looking forward to buying our own house in a few years, and trying our best to find love in every situation. 

So, with all the good that's come in our lives, I say to the bad and negative, "Its hammertime".