Sometimes I like getting up while it's still dark outside. It's nice to have the peace and quiet. Chad's asleep and the dogs are either outside or laying next to me on the couch. But, it's relaxing and it's my time to play my games on the computer, catch up on homework or just watch a little TV. The point is...its my time. Although the thought of having to work later creeps into my head, I've got this little bit of me time that helps relax things.
We are all so busy. I was lying in bed a few minutes ago thinking (which usually gets me in trouble) that by the time I finish school I'll be almost 50. Still young, I know, but I can't help but let the thoughts in that no one is going to hire me at that age. But then I remind myself, that I've got a lot more going on than my age. I'm a hard worker with a great attitude and most of the time people think I'm really younger than I am (wonder how much longer I can pull that one off). So, I put those thoughts right out of my head.
I was talking to a friend at work last night and she was telling me about their night out. I looked at her and said, "I wish you guys would tell me when you're going out. I'd like to hang with you sometimes." Don't know where that came from, but I do miss going out with my co-workers and relaxing after work. Then I think, where in the hell am I gonna find time for that. I get up, usually around 7:30. Do some things around the house, try to study a little and then go to school. If I don't have to work that day, I come home and try to relax, watch a little TV, clean the house, do laundry. If I don't have school, I usually work a double. I'm tired people!!!! And I'm complaining about not hanging out after work anymore. I'm crazy.
I think it all comes from the fact that I used to be the ringleader of the drink all nighters and lets go, go, go!!! I don't miss those day at all. What I do miss is the comraderie that was developed between me and the rest of the staff. I was a part of them and they a part of me. I still feel this to an extent, but as to where my focus used to be Outback, Outback, Outback, it has now shifted to taking care of my family, trying to provide for our future and wanting more things than I would have ever wanted three years ago.
Thanksgiving is coming up and I have a lot to be thankful for. I just passed the 2 1/2 year mark for my sobriety. And, things have changed for the better so much. Yes, new things are springing up that try to keep me from my path, but I have the love of a strong man that keeps me grounded. He helps to remind me that I didn't do this on my own, and that maybe I've let the things that started me on the road to recovery slide a little bit. That I need to get back to basics. I keep making excuses, "I don't have the time" or "I'm tired". But the simple fact is (thanks for this one Haig), I'm scared. I've let fear rule my entire life. No matter how much I've accomplished or how far I think I've gone, I still let fear dictate some of my actions.
So back to basics it is. I need to start going to meetings again and giving back to the one thing that got me this far in the first place. I've lost my humbleness. I think I can do it all, and I can, but I need to remember to talk to about it first. So, get on my knees and pray, first thing, in the wee early hours of the morn.
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