Why do we find ourselves rethinking our whole lives just because one thing goes bad in a day? Most of the day yesterday, I found myself playing the "if I had done this, instead of that, I wouldn't being in the situation I'm in right now". I didn't make some of the best choices in life. And yes, there are some things I wish I had done differently. I think we all have those moments. But if I had made some different choices, would I still be where I'm at today? Who's to say.
One of my favorite movies is "Sliding Doors" with Gwenyth Paltrow. A little love story of how, by being a few seconds late and missing her train, a girls life changes drastically but we get to see how her lives play out: the girl that made the train and the girl that didn't. So, I spent a little of my day yesterday playing the game and trying to follow the lines of where I could be and how different my life could have been if I had made some different choices.
When I sat down with Tracy Kruse and Ryan Lloyd and they asked me to go to Key West as the manager, if I had said "NO" like I had a dozen other times in the past, I never would have met Chad or the friends that I have now. I would still be drinking. A million different scenarios present themselves just from that one little decision. What if I hadn't gone downtown the night Chad and I got together. Would it have still happened? Would we have still gotten together at a later date, cause I really didn't like working with him (still don't)? Tired of playing the if game.
So what am I so afraid of? I tried explaining to Chad yesterday that people sometimes hold on to the last vestiges of their past because of fear. It gives them that one last thing to pull out of their pocket in case something doesn't work out. I told him that everytime I'm on the brink of being truly happy; of getting everything I really want in life; I do something to screw it up. Like it's almost mandated from God that I'm not supposed to be happy. So I hang on to one thing that can drive a wedge between me in Chad just in case I need it as a way out. And in reality, it's that wedge that's keeping us from being happy. If I just let go and take care of the things I need to, we can be happy and there is nothing wrong with that. I want a better life for us. I want nice things with him and more that anything I want for his happiness.
So why do I hang on to this fear? Why do I feel the need to have a way out? Why do I keep myself from moving forward and not having everything I ever dreamed of? I don't know. I've come so far in a little time. To me, I've made such great strides at overcoming all the bad and negative in my life and even though it sometimes feel like a runaway train, my life is heading in the direction I've always dreamed it could. I make better and more informed decisions. I try to keep things light and funny and carefree. I try to not let the stresses of everyday life get me down and it's exhausting. I guess I just want a little praise for my efforts from those close to me every now and then. Otherwise, why do we keep trying. If we are constantly beat down and reminded of all the bad without some positive praise, what's the motivation to try and be better? Personal satisfaction isn't always enough.
Today, I'm registering for next semester and going to an information meeting for the nursing program. In 2 1/2 years from now, I'll be an RN (hopefully) and well on my way to getting everything I've ever wanted in life. I just have to watch out for those sliding doors.
No comments:
Post a Comment