Ohana

I'm feeling very sentimental today.  Not only is it my birthday (thank you everyone for the warm wishes), but it is also the day my loving husband proposed to me.  It was two years ago today that I said, "Yes, I will marry you!"  We've had our share of ups and downs, but I wouldn't give it up for the world.  The things I've gotten from our bond are way more important to me than the things I had without.  I love you Chad and can't wait for the rest of our lives to unfold.  I feel a great many things are in store for us and it can only get better.
Today I've also been spending a lot of time in reflection over the past weekend.  This past weekend I spent a lot of time with family.  I helped my sister, Amy, move from Orlando to Knoxville and had a blast.  It was great taking a road trip with her.  She had never been on one before and it was great.  Especially once we got into the mountains.  The expressions on her face were priceless.  But it was equally awesome to see the way she looked at the majesty of the mountains and trees with their brightly colored leaves.  It's always an eye opener when you experience life through a different set of eyes. 
I also took this trip to Tennessee to see my dad.  As some of you may know, a few weeks ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia.  It's been a very stressful and worrisome couple of weeks.  I have to admit that when I saw him in the hospital, he looked better than I expected.  Outside of a little hair loss, weight loss and being tired, he was still my dad.  It was a little disconcerting to see him in that setting, but he looked good.  We got good and bad news on Saturday.  An early morning phone call from my step-mom told us that he was running a fever of 102.  By early afternoon, the fever had broken and I went to see him.  He was in good spirits and the doctor had just told him that his bone marrow test came back great and that there weren't any leukemia cells present.  AWESOME!!!!  He would have to stay in the hospital till his white blood cell count came back up and he regained his strength, but for the time being, he was out of the woods.  The chemo had worked and now he would just have to have chemo on an outpatient basis after his release.  Looks good.
 I got to spend time with my brother and older sister, and even though we hadn't seen each other in a long time, we fell back into the same click that we always had.  My sister the clown, my brother the serious one and me:  the ever changing one.  But for the first time in a long time I felt comfortable.  I was me.  I didn't have to try to be someone else or feel like I needed to hide anything.  It didn't bother me, to just be me.  And I feel great about that. 
On the way to the airport that Sunday, I looked out the window at the East Tennessee countryside and for the first time ever after a visit, I wanted to stay.  I wasn't bothered by the memories of all the bad things I had been through there and inflicted upon everyone else.  I was able to think of the possibilities of what can come.  What new future might develop and that I felt welcome to come back there at any time.  I was free of the past and ready to move forward into a great tomorrow.
So....Chad, Amy, Joshua, Mike, Dawn, Mom, Dad, Connie, Courtney, Haig and all the other members of my family....immediate and extended, the Hawaiian/Samoan culture has a word for family that means all that touch and are meaningful in your life....Ohana.  I love you all.

Hurricanes

It's funny how life sometimes mimics our surroundings.  We have all experienced, in some fashion, the effects of Hurricane Irene over the past week.  During that week, it felt like my own life the eye of the hurricane.  Everything from school, work, relationship and family seemed to be in this great vortex sucking the very marrow from my bones.
Wow...dramatic huh??!!!!  That's how it's been feeling.  Very dramatic.  Let's start with school.  I talked to my nursing director about how I had planned out my nursing school career and she agreed with my timeline.  The thing that sucked about it was how long I would have to wait after finishing my last pre-requisite before actually starting the program.  As long as up to a year.  The one good thing we did discuss (if you want to call it good) is that I qualify for a concurrent program where I can finish my AS and BS in Nursing at the same time.  It will knock a year off me getting my Bachelor's degree.  No problem.  YEAH PROBLEM!!!!!  It basically means that I have to take two classes from UCF at the same time I'm taking two from SSC.  13 credits a semester instead of 7.  For anyone that knows nursing, that's a considerable amount more.  Lecture in the morning, lab in the afternoon, and clinicals in the evening.  Or anyway they want us to do them.  Even on Saturday's.  It's okay except that I wont be able to work at all.
That's where the relationship part comes in.  Chad is already under a lot of stress.  He found out he can graduate in December if he keeps applying himself the way he has.  Shouldn't be a problem.  Finish school, start work in a salon to get experience while still working at Outback, then make the big bucks and eventually own his own salon.  Dreams are coming true.  He can make it work, except I keep messing things up. 
Me trying not to put more stress on him, is putting more stress on him.  I'm trying my best to do things right and keep things on the straight and narrow and some how I keep messing it up.  It isn't easy for me.  After twenty-five years of doing things a certain way, and being an alcoholic.  It isn't easy to change in only three years.  I still have cravings.  And there are days when I want to crawl back into the bottle and give up.  But I don't.  I handle the stress.  I've got a great set of friends and an extended family that really care about me.  But I still find the wall going back up.  So, as my sponsor would say, time to get back to the basics.  Go back to the things that knocked the wall down in the first place and get my lines of defense re-established.  Keep on plugging.
Just as I get all that straightened out, I get a phone call from sister.  My dad is in the hospital and has been diagnosed with leukemia.  WOW!!!  So he's undergoing chemotherapy-agressively-seven days on seven days off then testing to see if it's in remission.  If not, then they start over.  He's in great physical shape so not a problem except for his age.  But, he's a fighter and can beat it.  He better.  There are still a lot of things I need to say to him.  So many things I need to apologize for.  So many amends still need to be made and I can't sleep at night knowing I may lose him before I tell him.  I want him to see me graduate nursing school and actually be the son he knew I could be.  I love him and I need him to see tht.  Hang in there dad.  I'm coming.
So, that only leaves work.  Which hasn't been that bad, except that it's been slow.  September is traditionally the slowest time of the year.  Although I've had a great August, paying for school and buying a new car has depleted both our savings.  Come on LOTTO.  Anyone wanting to make a donation to the "Crafty and Chad College Fund"  may do so by inquiring at www.idontwanttoeatramennoodlesforthenexttwoyears.com.  The only thing I can do is pray.  Give it all up to God and have faith that all things will be taken care of.  We've handled worse than this and survived and I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I wish it would be enough already.  Also forgot to mention that September, is traditionally the worst month for .....HURRICANES.

Sliding Doors

Why do we find ourselves rethinking our whole lives just because one thing goes bad in a day?  Most of the day yesterday, I found myself playing the "if I had done this, instead of that, I wouldn't being in the situation I'm in right now".  I didn't make some of the best choices in life.  And yes, there are some things I wish I had done differently.  I think we all have those moments.  But if I had made some different choices, would I still be where I'm at today?  Who's to say.
One of my favorite movies is "Sliding Doors" with Gwenyth Paltrow.  A little love story of how, by being a few seconds late and missing her train, a girls life changes drastically but we get to see how her lives play out: the girl that made the train and the girl that didn't. So, I spent a little of my day yesterday playing the game and trying to follow the lines of where I could be and how different my life could have been if I had made some different choices.
When I sat down with Tracy Kruse and Ryan Lloyd and they asked me to go to Key West as the manager, if I had said "NO" like I had a dozen other times in the past, I never would have met Chad or the friends that I have now.  I would still be drinking.  A million different scenarios present themselves just from that one little decision.  What if I hadn't gone downtown the night Chad and I got together.  Would it have still happened?  Would we have still gotten together at a later date, cause I really didn't like working with him (still don't)?  Tired of playing the if game.
So what am I so afraid of?  I tried explaining to Chad yesterday that people sometimes hold on to the last vestiges of their past because of fear.  It gives them that one last thing to pull out of their pocket in case something doesn't work out.  I told him that everytime I'm on the brink of being truly happy; of getting everything I really want in life; I do something to screw it up.  Like it's almost mandated from God that I'm not supposed to be happy.  So I hang on to one thing that can drive a wedge between me in Chad just in case I need it as a way out.  And in reality, it's that wedge that's keeping us from being happy.  If I just let go and take care of the things I need to, we can be happy and there is nothing wrong with that.  I want a better life for us.  I want nice things with him and more that anything I want for his happiness. 
So why do I hang on to this fear?  Why do I feel the need to have a way out?  Why do I keep myself from moving forward and not having everything I ever dreamed of?  I don't know.  I've come so far in a little time.  To me, I've made such great strides at overcoming all the bad and negative in my life and even though it sometimes feel like a runaway train, my life is heading in the direction I've always dreamed it could.  I make better and more informed decisions.  I try to keep things light and funny and carefree.  I try to not let the stresses of everyday life get me down and it's exhausting.  I guess I just want a little praise for my efforts from those close to me every now and then.  Otherwise, why do we keep trying.  If we are constantly beat down and reminded of all the bad without some positive praise, what's the motivation to try and be better?  Personal satisfaction isn't always enough. 
Today, I'm registering for next semester and going to an information meeting for the nursing program.  In 2 1/2 years from now, I'll be an RN (hopefully) and well on my way to getting everything I've ever wanted in life.  I just have to watch out for those sliding doors.

The Little Things

Every now and then I get struck by the fact that I have a pretty good life now.  And a big smile just comes across my face along with a wave of gratitude that radiates around my whole body.  I take my last final on Monday and should wrap up the semester with two A's.  Not bad for not being in school for over 15 years.  Today, we went to the gym and then I came home and made us a couple of chicken wraps, while Chad got ready for his doctor appointment.  This morning I vaccuumed the couches and floors and then we cut the dogs nails (Percy is the biggest baby).  I know this all sound humdrum and ordinary, but for someone like me, that looks back over the past few years of his life, this is totally amazing.  Never did I think that I would be married, with two dogs and a house.  Two cars and a gym membership.  School, work, and complaining about finding time to study. 
I look up to the sky and say Thank you God for leading me in the right direction and knowing that all the pain I put others in my life through, has finally managed to turn into something solid, good, nice and appreciated more than I can say.  That was probably the biggest run on sentence in the world, but, who cares. 
I am Happy!!!!  Shout it....Scream it....Love it!!!!
Most of you know it wasn't always that way.  All I can say is this:  God never gives us more than we can handle.  Doesn't mean He doesn't test the water sometimes to see if we sink or swim.  But He's there to pull you out if you need it.  You just have to grab hold and see that the life being offered is a much better one than the one you want to leave behind.   Now, that being said...the want to change your life should be enough motivation for most to see the errors of their ways and move on.  Sometimes (as in my case) a bigger kick in the butt is needed.  Use it.
Well, I had typed two more paragraphs but my internet went out for a minute and I lost it.  It was really profound too.  Any way, the last line that I remember said..."Don't sweat the small things, and they are all little things."  Til next time.  Love ya.

Karma

A little funny story about Karma.  Chad is always going around calling "Karma".  Basically, watch out or karma will kick you in the butt. 

This past weekend, at our little family vacation, Karma was running rampant.  Chad and I got there first and since we were sharing a three bedroom suite with his two sisters and their significant other, we got first choice.  Of course, we picked the big,master suite with the huge bed with a large ornate wooden crane and big bathroom with walk-in shower and big tub.  It also connected to the balcony that had the awesome view.

I walk into the bedroom and stub my toe on the bedframe.  No big deal.  I'm walking around unpacking-stub the same toe again.  Chad starts laughing.  A few minutes go by and I scrape my leg on the large ornate frame with the overhang.  Chad laughs more.

While he's doubled over with slaughter, he stubs his toe on the same leg of the bed.  KARMA!!!!!!

So know I'm laughing and saying "HaHa. Karma bitch!" 

I stub the same toe again.  You'll be happy to know the swelling and bruising have finally gone away. 

Thanks Karma!!

Little Wonders

As most of you know, Chad bought me a little puppy for Christmas - Percy.  Percy was meant to take the place of Sloane, the little Chi-poodle that was our roommates in Key West (Hi Allison), because I felt that Bare (our Rotti-Labrador) was depressed over not having a playmate anymore.  And he was depressed.  He would sit in front of the door and whine and look for Sloane every morning for the longest time.  Not only did he lose a friend, but he lost a yard that was totally his to run around in.  Now he was constrained to a leash.  So, depressed he was. 
Anyway, Percy is the smartest, most coniving little destroyer of all things that we've ever seen.  And, because of his face, he gets away with almost everything.  Now, you have to understand that since Percy has been living with us, things have been reversed.  Bare, that I bought for Chad several Christmases ago, is now my dog.  And Percy is now Chad's.  And it funny how these two, distinctly individual dogs have taken on certain characteristics of their owners.
Percy is into everything and has an opinion about everything.  Does things his own way and damned everyone else if they tell him different.  When he gets in trouble, his face says, "ME???  No you are mistaken.  I'm never wrong."  And when he knows he's in trouble.  He looks at you as if to say, "What?  What're you gonna do?  Thought so."  So strong and independent.  But afraid of the littlest things.  The vaccuum cleaner and thunder.  (Chad's is spiders).  Big Man.  Small spider.
Anyway, with Bare, he is a lot like me.  Laid back and easy going.  Can get riled up on occasion and likes to have fun, but is weary and knows when to say hey, "This isn't for me."  So sensitive, just like me, and can't for the life of him understand why Percy can sleep on the bed and he can't.  It hurts his feelings.  The answer, by the way, is that Percy weighs 25lbs and Bare 85-90.  There is a little issue of room. 
So the latest thing that has come to pass is the doggie door.  About a month ago, Chad (and his new set of power tools bought especially for this job) installed a doggie door in the house in an attempt to make our lives easier.  Door looks great.  Easy to use and automatic.  A sensor on the collar unlocks the door and allows entry.  Thus keeping out unwanted guests and allowing for freedom.  Percy loves the door.  Bare is so scared of the door that he barely approaches it.  My roommate got the biggest kick out of me yesterday trying to teach Bare to come through the door.  I was basically pushing this dog into the door and he was kicking and fighting the whole way.  I don't get it.  He will come in and out the door and long as we hold it up for him, but not if he has to push it himself.  WOW!!!
Percy......in and out.  In and Out.  Looking at Bare going, "Come on you big fraidy cat.  It's a plastic door.  Jump in.  Jump out.  So now Bare stands at the door and whines because Percy is outside and we have to let Bare out.  Incredible.  This is not my dog.
So, I was standing at the kitchen sink looking outside and Percy goes skittering by.  Swoosh swoosh.  Out the door.  Bare looks up and goes, heh, whatever.  I see Percy mount this little mound of dirt in the yard and he strikes a regal pose.  Looking out over his domain.  Knowing that all he sees is his for the plundering.  Plenty of squirrels to chase.  Gecko's to kill and grass to hide in.  Knowing that the only thing to enter his domain will do so with the sound of the creaking door opening because his brother is a wimp.  So, for the time being, his land is safe.  Our little wonder.

Gratitude

Yesterday started out great and then got crazy.  I got up early with Chad and watched him get ready for school and started thinking about my day.  Since I was up, I decided to get to school early and start work on my presentation research for Sociology.  No biggie.  Did some review work on the computer (my new laptop that my husband bought me for school:  Love it: Thanks Chad) for class that day and started a load of laundry.  Spilled laundry detergent on myself.  Took a shower.  Got soap in my eye.   Sprayed the shower with chemicals to clean it later and inhaled fumes.  Had a coughing fit.  Got dressed.  Percy stole my sock.  Found it in the yard.  Finished dressing and tried to leave the house.  Cant find my Debit Card.  Called Wachovia (now Wells Fargo).  New card in 5-7 days.  GREAT!!!  Not, all my cash is in the bank.  Wonderful. 
Now I'm running late for the timeline I had established for my day.
Feeling really down and a little depressed.  I call my sponsor.  "Having a rough day.  Things are going downhill fast.  Snowballing.  Any suggestions on how to turn this around?"  He sends back to me:  "Gratitude list.  Start with "I am sober".  So I did.  I used my gratitude to get me through the day.

It still went downhill a little but it picked up by the end.  I didn't get the grade I wanted on my last test.  Found out that I got the wrong information from an advisor at the beginning of summer when I registered for classes and can't take what I want in the fall because I don't have the proper pre-requisite.  So, with the test, I looked at my syllabus and can still get an A in the class with the material still yet to present to the teacher.  With my courses for next semester, I talked to another advisor and to Chad and it's all going to be okay.  I can take the classes I can take, still be able to work full time and I won't be off my timeline for graduating the nursing program at all.  Just have to work a little harder in the spring of next year.  All of these are very accomplishable goals. 
The point I'm trying to get across is this.  Losing track of the things that keep us centered and grounded can cause a snowball effect.  Realizing that this was happening, I took a moment, reached out and found my center again.  Put everything into its proper perspective and realized that I am in a much better place than I was, than some people are and never will be and that I needto take every minute possible and be GRATEFUL.
Thanks Haig for keeping me grounded.  Thank you Chad for showing me love.  Thank you God for giving me the courage to go on day to day.