Scars

Today is the anniversary of my sobriety. Eleven years today. This past year has flown by but upon reflection, it’s been a great year (aside from Covid19 that is).  And I think that is worth celebrating.

Last May I was in Alaska during this time and it was amazing. Coming home from that, I spent some time with one of nieces and my great niece and nephews (there’s another one on the way for next year). Worked a bunch and spent more time with family over the holidays. That’s what I’ll remember about the last year. Being with my family. I’ve spent some time trying to repair damage that I brought about while I was still drinking. And although family loves you unconditionally, lots of pain can be inflicted unintentionally. I thought by distancing myself, I was protecting them. It’s actually just the opposite. I realized that it was fear that motivated me to stay away. Fear controlled my life then and it was torture. Afraid to ask for help. Afraid of being truly myself. Afraid that if I let go of all that fear, I’d be truly alone.

So, here we are 11 years later and I’m not alone. I’m not afraid and I have more love than I ever thought possible. I did hurt a lot of people back then and I am truly sorry. Sometimes the guilt is overwhelming and I break down in tears. I still owe amends to a lot of people and I am still working on that. For I am a work in progress, and God is not done with me yet.

So I leave you with the lyrics to one of my new favorite songs. For we all have Scars.

Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
‘Cause my brokenness brought me to you
And these wounds are a story you’ll use

So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who you are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I’m standing in confidence
With the strength of your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before
No, I don’t have to fear anymore

             Scars by I Am They