The Little Things

Every now and then I get struck by the fact that I have a pretty good life now.  And a big smile just comes across my face along with a wave of gratitude that radiates around my whole body.  I take my last final on Monday and should wrap up the semester with two A's.  Not bad for not being in school for over 15 years.  Today, we went to the gym and then I came home and made us a couple of chicken wraps, while Chad got ready for his doctor appointment.  This morning I vaccuumed the couches and floors and then we cut the dogs nails (Percy is the biggest baby).  I know this all sound humdrum and ordinary, but for someone like me, that looks back over the past few years of his life, this is totally amazing.  Never did I think that I would be married, with two dogs and a house.  Two cars and a gym membership.  School, work, and complaining about finding time to study. 
I look up to the sky and say Thank you God for leading me in the right direction and knowing that all the pain I put others in my life through, has finally managed to turn into something solid, good, nice and appreciated more than I can say.  That was probably the biggest run on sentence in the world, but, who cares. 
I am Happy!!!!  Shout it....Scream it....Love it!!!!
Most of you know it wasn't always that way.  All I can say is this:  God never gives us more than we can handle.  Doesn't mean He doesn't test the water sometimes to see if we sink or swim.  But He's there to pull you out if you need it.  You just have to grab hold and see that the life being offered is a much better one than the one you want to leave behind.   Now, that being said...the want to change your life should be enough motivation for most to see the errors of their ways and move on.  Sometimes (as in my case) a bigger kick in the butt is needed.  Use it.
Well, I had typed two more paragraphs but my internet went out for a minute and I lost it.  It was really profound too.  Any way, the last line that I remember said..."Don't sweat the small things, and they are all little things."  Til next time.  Love ya.

Karma

A little funny story about Karma.  Chad is always going around calling "Karma".  Basically, watch out or karma will kick you in the butt. 

This past weekend, at our little family vacation, Karma was running rampant.  Chad and I got there first and since we were sharing a three bedroom suite with his two sisters and their significant other, we got first choice.  Of course, we picked the big,master suite with the huge bed with a large ornate wooden crane and big bathroom with walk-in shower and big tub.  It also connected to the balcony that had the awesome view.

I walk into the bedroom and stub my toe on the bedframe.  No big deal.  I'm walking around unpacking-stub the same toe again.  Chad starts laughing.  A few minutes go by and I scrape my leg on the large ornate frame with the overhang.  Chad laughs more.

While he's doubled over with slaughter, he stubs his toe on the same leg of the bed.  KARMA!!!!!!

So know I'm laughing and saying "HaHa. Karma bitch!" 

I stub the same toe again.  You'll be happy to know the swelling and bruising have finally gone away. 

Thanks Karma!!

Little Wonders

As most of you know, Chad bought me a little puppy for Christmas - Percy.  Percy was meant to take the place of Sloane, the little Chi-poodle that was our roommates in Key West (Hi Allison), because I felt that Bare (our Rotti-Labrador) was depressed over not having a playmate anymore.  And he was depressed.  He would sit in front of the door and whine and look for Sloane every morning for the longest time.  Not only did he lose a friend, but he lost a yard that was totally his to run around in.  Now he was constrained to a leash.  So, depressed he was. 
Anyway, Percy is the smartest, most coniving little destroyer of all things that we've ever seen.  And, because of his face, he gets away with almost everything.  Now, you have to understand that since Percy has been living with us, things have been reversed.  Bare, that I bought for Chad several Christmases ago, is now my dog.  And Percy is now Chad's.  And it funny how these two, distinctly individual dogs have taken on certain characteristics of their owners.
Percy is into everything and has an opinion about everything.  Does things his own way and damned everyone else if they tell him different.  When he gets in trouble, his face says, "ME???  No you are mistaken.  I'm never wrong."  And when he knows he's in trouble.  He looks at you as if to say, "What?  What're you gonna do?  Thought so."  So strong and independent.  But afraid of the littlest things.  The vaccuum cleaner and thunder.  (Chad's is spiders).  Big Man.  Small spider.
Anyway, with Bare, he is a lot like me.  Laid back and easy going.  Can get riled up on occasion and likes to have fun, but is weary and knows when to say hey, "This isn't for me."  So sensitive, just like me, and can't for the life of him understand why Percy can sleep on the bed and he can't.  It hurts his feelings.  The answer, by the way, is that Percy weighs 25lbs and Bare 85-90.  There is a little issue of room. 
So the latest thing that has come to pass is the doggie door.  About a month ago, Chad (and his new set of power tools bought especially for this job) installed a doggie door in the house in an attempt to make our lives easier.  Door looks great.  Easy to use and automatic.  A sensor on the collar unlocks the door and allows entry.  Thus keeping out unwanted guests and allowing for freedom.  Percy loves the door.  Bare is so scared of the door that he barely approaches it.  My roommate got the biggest kick out of me yesterday trying to teach Bare to come through the door.  I was basically pushing this dog into the door and he was kicking and fighting the whole way.  I don't get it.  He will come in and out the door and long as we hold it up for him, but not if he has to push it himself.  WOW!!!
Percy......in and out.  In and Out.  Looking at Bare going, "Come on you big fraidy cat.  It's a plastic door.  Jump in.  Jump out.  So now Bare stands at the door and whines because Percy is outside and we have to let Bare out.  Incredible.  This is not my dog.
So, I was standing at the kitchen sink looking outside and Percy goes skittering by.  Swoosh swoosh.  Out the door.  Bare looks up and goes, heh, whatever.  I see Percy mount this little mound of dirt in the yard and he strikes a regal pose.  Looking out over his domain.  Knowing that all he sees is his for the plundering.  Plenty of squirrels to chase.  Gecko's to kill and grass to hide in.  Knowing that the only thing to enter his domain will do so with the sound of the creaking door opening because his brother is a wimp.  So, for the time being, his land is safe.  Our little wonder.

Gratitude

Yesterday started out great and then got crazy.  I got up early with Chad and watched him get ready for school and started thinking about my day.  Since I was up, I decided to get to school early and start work on my presentation research for Sociology.  No biggie.  Did some review work on the computer (my new laptop that my husband bought me for school:  Love it: Thanks Chad) for class that day and started a load of laundry.  Spilled laundry detergent on myself.  Took a shower.  Got soap in my eye.   Sprayed the shower with chemicals to clean it later and inhaled fumes.  Had a coughing fit.  Got dressed.  Percy stole my sock.  Found it in the yard.  Finished dressing and tried to leave the house.  Cant find my Debit Card.  Called Wachovia (now Wells Fargo).  New card in 5-7 days.  GREAT!!!  Not, all my cash is in the bank.  Wonderful. 
Now I'm running late for the timeline I had established for my day.
Feeling really down and a little depressed.  I call my sponsor.  "Having a rough day.  Things are going downhill fast.  Snowballing.  Any suggestions on how to turn this around?"  He sends back to me:  "Gratitude list.  Start with "I am sober".  So I did.  I used my gratitude to get me through the day.

It still went downhill a little but it picked up by the end.  I didn't get the grade I wanted on my last test.  Found out that I got the wrong information from an advisor at the beginning of summer when I registered for classes and can't take what I want in the fall because I don't have the proper pre-requisite.  So, with the test, I looked at my syllabus and can still get an A in the class with the material still yet to present to the teacher.  With my courses for next semester, I talked to another advisor and to Chad and it's all going to be okay.  I can take the classes I can take, still be able to work full time and I won't be off my timeline for graduating the nursing program at all.  Just have to work a little harder in the spring of next year.  All of these are very accomplishable goals. 
The point I'm trying to get across is this.  Losing track of the things that keep us centered and grounded can cause a snowball effect.  Realizing that this was happening, I took a moment, reached out and found my center again.  Put everything into its proper perspective and realized that I am in a much better place than I was, than some people are and never will be and that I needto take every minute possible and be GRATEFUL.
Thanks Haig for keeping me grounded.  Thank you Chad for showing me love.  Thank you God for giving me the courage to go on day to day.

Amazed

The past few weeks have left me totally amazed.  The usual has been going on in my life, but things are changing and it feels like the changes are for the good instead of the bad. 

One of the good things that's usually bad are the little fights that Chad and I get into.  Now, I know you're saying how can a fight be good?  Well, its good because I am starting to see growth from them.  There's an old saying that goes, "Without pain, there can be no growth."  I have seen plenty of growth in our pain.  A fight that usually would have ended with a few hours of not talking and threatened actions has turned into ten minutes of heated discussion with a mutual agreement of faults from both sides.  Its usually a reaction to an inappropriate action that caused the irrational behavior to begin with.  It's in recognizing that both parties need to take some responsibility that allows for the growth.

Chad and I both got tattoos this week.  They are addicting.  My last tattoo has so many negative connections that I feel this one as a  way of saying I can put my past behind me and I'm ready for the next adventure my lifes journey is presenting. 

My last tattoo was done on a Monday in May two years ago.  Tuesday I showed up to work so drunk i couldn't talk.  Thursday I checked into rehab.  Two years and a month to the day and I am no longer that same person.  I am now someone I can look in the mirror and not be afraid to look myself in the eyes.

As most know, I'm at the gym almost everyday.  I'm finally starting the see the changes in my body that bothers see.  My muscles are getting more definition and, even though my weight is staying the same, I know I'm in the best shape Ive ever been in.  One of my new sayings is,"You need help with that? Ive been working out."  It's great for a good chuckle. 

Overall, things are going pretty well.  School starts in two weeks and I'm actually excited about starting.   Ive let fear rule my life for so long, that I'm ready to stand up.for myself now and get the things that I want.  Try it for yourself.   You'll be amazed.

Hammertime

Seems lime its been a long time since I've written.  A lot has happened.  I spent a week in Key West; enrolled in college (again); my mom came for a visit and we've moved (again).  Oh, and I've just celebrated my two year anniversary of being sober.

All of these things are a positive in my life.  Its proved to me that I am stronger than I ever believed I could be.  It has also shown me that things do work out for the best and that sometimes we need to make it happen and not just what for it to fall into my lap (thank you Chad for showing me this and being patient with me in your own unique way).

So why do I feel like I'm waiting for the hammer to drop.

I guess its because my whole life, anytime I've experienced a period of happiness, I've done something to fuck it up.  For example, my life with Chad.  I'm finding it hard to find that even ground.  When he's having a bad day, I try to make him laugh and bring him up.  When it rreally starts annoying him I back off and he thinks I'm upset.  My wanting to give him nothing but happiness, ends up in turmoil and hurt.  Its never my intention to upset him, but it happens.  It just always seems that its my fault.  Even when it isn't.  But that's my own paranoia and anxiety over losing him.  I just don't know what to do sometimes.  I take it all in because I want to be there for him. And it seems, at least to me, that I'm always letting him down. 

It hurts so much sometimes that I wonder Still myself if it wouldn't be easier if we weren't together.  Then I look back at where we were before we met.  I was ready to let it all go.  Didn't care what happened to me.   He was aimless and wandering.  And now, with little jolts of pain here and there, we are both enrolled in school, looking forward to buying our own house in a few years, and trying our best to find love in every situation. 

So, with all the good that's come in our lives, I say to the bad and negative, "Its hammertime".

Breakfast. My last day in Key West.

This ones for Angela.  I had my breakfast. And a little dessert too.