Well, as some of you may know, we have recently moved. The trip from Key West to Orlando was not as bad as I expected. After getting there though is when things got a little hairy.
Thank God my friend Amy came over to help. If anything she kept what could have a been a really bad episode between Chad and myself, to just a spat that lasted for a few hours. I think Chad's expectations were a little high. Don't get upset if things aren't exactly where you wanted them. Organizing takes a little time and it's gonna be done several times just to get it right. To me, the thing was to get everything out of the boxes and up, so we can make room to walk and not having the place look like a box storage facility. But, these are our two persona's: I'm the lets take it slow and organize as we go but get it all out; as to where Chad is lets clean and organize now regardless of the mess so we only have to do it this one time.
Neither is bad, but there are bound to be little tiffs along the way. Which is what makes our relationship exciting and fresh.
SO the house is coming together. Please somebody tell me that I am not the only one that can't but the T.V./Stereo/DVD player cables in the right holes even after I marked them and thought it would be easy??!!!! I'm hoping the cable guy will take pity on me when he gets here and help me with this. How come they can't make it as simple as DVD Audio In/DVD Audio Out; TV Audio In/TV Audio Out.....
I know that some guy that just sits around playing video games all day can do this in two seconds, but I don't understand how it can be so difficult. There has to be an easier way. It's making my life hell right now.
I'm not looking forward to going back to work. Yes, I know I have to, but having this past week off (even with the move) has been nice. Can't someone just pay me to stay home. I wish. So, instead of saving money in case of, Chad and I went out and bought new phones. Can't believe we stayed with the I-phone for so long. There are so many better options out there. I Love My New Samsung Galaxy by Verizon. Better picture, easier apps and faster connections. No dropped calls or anything. Maybe it was just because we lived on an island. Who knows?!!!! But anyway, hopefully I can start work again on Wed. Just waiting for the new boss to call and say its ok. I'm not worried, but there is a little anxiety involved.
I like the location of our apartment in relation to work. Only a half mile or so between the two with not to much traffic. It's crazy right now because we also live only a half mile from the busiest mall in Orlando. We went to Target (I have missed Target so much - I didn't want to leave it) twice yesterday. Everything in one store and it's nice stuff. It's a far cry from the ghetto K-Mart we had on Key West. One Super Target would put at least ten businesses out of commission on the island.
I also like the fact that we have carpet. I was so tired of tile everywhere especially with Bare. He sheds so badly that I was sweeping the floor two maybe three times a day. It was ridiculous. Now, just the vacuum is needed. I am so happy. It's the little things that make me happy.
Chad cooked dinner last night for the first time in a long while. It was great. I am always amazed at the things he can put together. Chicken and dumplings with mashed potatoes and corn. it was delish. One of these days, after we win the lottery of course, I'm gonna open a little place for him to cook for everyone in. You will love it.
The only thing I'm worried about is Bare. I don't think it's sunk in to him yet that we aren't going back to Key West. I'm waiting for him to get depressed when he realized that his little playmate Sloane (aka Little Girl) isn't coming around. It's gotta be hard on him. They spent the last year together. Grew up from wee little pups to his now 85 pound puppy (and yes he is still growing). But I've promised him that we will get him a playmate as soon as we buy the house.
Buy a house? My God, yes. That was one of the reasons we moved here in the first place: to be closer to family and buy a house.
So, all in all, it hasn't been a bad week and I see things definitely getting better for us. So lets cross our fingers and hope for the best. After all, it isn't like we are moving hell.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Memories: New and Old
I'm sure the blog-a-verse is full of writings about Christmas. It is that time of year. Fond memories of Christmas' past and hope for Christmas' future bounce around in our craniums causing sleepless nights or dreams of grandeur. I'm the same save for one, small thing: I don't remember Christmas as a child.
Alright, I hear everyone going "WHAT!!!". But it's true. Outside of images in my mind stolen from pictures in an album, I can't remember a lot of my childhood. And I don't know why. I've asked and threatened, but my family isn't so forthcoming with stories of old. So, I've chosen to make new memories and start my own traditions with my husband and family.
One of the few things I do remember is Snoopy, Charlie Brown and the whole Peanuts gang. There is a picture of me as a small child playing under the Christmas tree in my PJ's (those old PJ's made of the softest fabric ever adorned with snoopy and woodstock), my winnie the pooh slippers and a toy train with a plastic Snoopy and my brother had the same train except he had Charlie Brown (I believe they shampoo bottles). It was the best ever. I loved Snoopy and still do to this day. Just look at my facebook profile for the past few weeks. Snoopy everywhere.
Tonight after work, ABC Family was showing some of the old Christmas classics. "A Year Without a Santa Claus", the Miser Brothers Christmas and several others. I love these things. Chad thinks I'm the craziest person in the world because I know the words to the songs. I think I'm just like a lot of other people out there. Nostalgic. These t.v. programs bring me back to my childhood and help me to remember what it's like to not have the cares of the world on your shoulders. I think that if people remembered what it's like to be a child, just for a few minutes, some of the problems we face in our day to day lives won't seem so overpowering.
I believe it was Jimmy Valvano (sp.) that said one time (excuse the paraphrasing): "If you laugh, you think and get moved to tears, that's a full day". No truer thing has been said. Being moved to tears, whether through laughter, joy, or some other emotional breakthrough is probably the hardest for most people to show. Not me. Hell, I cry at a commercial sometimes. But I'm comfortable with that. Why not? Laughter: who doesn't laugh everyday at something. If you don't, come sit next to me for a while, I'll make you laugh. Thinking though. This is probably the hardest for some people.
I'm on a tangent. Back to the topic at hand. Memories are what shape us. It's a personal history of our lives. Without memories, we would make the same mistakes over and over. And that's just pointless. Without memory, we wouldn' learn from our mistakes and that's futile. People that don't learn from their mistakes are destine to live lonely, miserable lives. I've been on the edge of that madness and I thank God everyday that I came out of it, and saw my way through to something better (with lots of help from friends and loved ones).
So, coming into Christmas, lets take a moment to connect with our childhood in one way or another. Watch "It's a Charlie Brown Christmas". Channel your inner Peppermint Patty or Linus (always thought I was a Linus). Let your heart fill with the joy of Christmas. Let it bring you to tears. Yes, Christmas is mostly for the children, but there is no law that says, as adults, that we can't feel the spirit move through us. Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus. He lives inside each of us. Helping us with memories: new and old.
Alright, I hear everyone going "WHAT!!!". But it's true. Outside of images in my mind stolen from pictures in an album, I can't remember a lot of my childhood. And I don't know why. I've asked and threatened, but my family isn't so forthcoming with stories of old. So, I've chosen to make new memories and start my own traditions with my husband and family.
One of the few things I do remember is Snoopy, Charlie Brown and the whole Peanuts gang. There is a picture of me as a small child playing under the Christmas tree in my PJ's (those old PJ's made of the softest fabric ever adorned with snoopy and woodstock), my winnie the pooh slippers and a toy train with a plastic Snoopy and my brother had the same train except he had Charlie Brown (I believe they shampoo bottles). It was the best ever. I loved Snoopy and still do to this day. Just look at my facebook profile for the past few weeks. Snoopy everywhere.
Tonight after work, ABC Family was showing some of the old Christmas classics. "A Year Without a Santa Claus", the Miser Brothers Christmas and several others. I love these things. Chad thinks I'm the craziest person in the world because I know the words to the songs. I think I'm just like a lot of other people out there. Nostalgic. These t.v. programs bring me back to my childhood and help me to remember what it's like to not have the cares of the world on your shoulders. I think that if people remembered what it's like to be a child, just for a few minutes, some of the problems we face in our day to day lives won't seem so overpowering.
I believe it was Jimmy Valvano (sp.) that said one time (excuse the paraphrasing): "If you laugh, you think and get moved to tears, that's a full day". No truer thing has been said. Being moved to tears, whether through laughter, joy, or some other emotional breakthrough is probably the hardest for most people to show. Not me. Hell, I cry at a commercial sometimes. But I'm comfortable with that. Why not? Laughter: who doesn't laugh everyday at something. If you don't, come sit next to me for a while, I'll make you laugh. Thinking though. This is probably the hardest for some people.
I'm on a tangent. Back to the topic at hand. Memories are what shape us. It's a personal history of our lives. Without memories, we would make the same mistakes over and over. And that's just pointless. Without memory, we wouldn' learn from our mistakes and that's futile. People that don't learn from their mistakes are destine to live lonely, miserable lives. I've been on the edge of that madness and I thank God everyday that I came out of it, and saw my way through to something better (with lots of help from friends and loved ones).
So, coming into Christmas, lets take a moment to connect with our childhood in one way or another. Watch "It's a Charlie Brown Christmas". Channel your inner Peppermint Patty or Linus (always thought I was a Linus). Let your heart fill with the joy of Christmas. Let it bring you to tears. Yes, Christmas is mostly for the children, but there is no law that says, as adults, that we can't feel the spirit move through us. Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus. He lives inside each of us. Helping us with memories: new and old.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
A Lot to Be Thankful For
It's 5:30 in the morning as I write this post. The house is quiet and only a few noises can be heard from outside. Roosters crowing; scooters zipping past and the occasional unidentified sound coming from outside.
I'm up so early because Chad has a cold and a fever of 102. His constant moaning and groaning and ability to never find a comfortable spot has kept me up for the past two nights. But this doesn't really bother me. I'm good with a few hours of sleep. If anything, when it comes to him being sick, I fall comfortably into the role of caregiver.
As I was laying in bed trying to return to sleep after checking his temperature and getting him water and meds, my mind couldn't help but wander. It went to one of those places that I don't really care for, but I believe we all visit, and just never talk about. "What would happen if....?" Pictures of hospitals, and other unseemly places pop into the front of my mind and then the hamster wheel takes off, and sleep is something that I'll see later in the day.
But, today, being that it is only one day away from Thanksgiving, I tried to turn this into a positive instead of letting it weigh me down. I started thinking of all the reasons I'm thankful this year. And there are many. I am thankful for my connection to God. I believe, that through my faith, he has led me on a path of happiness and joy. I can see a great future ahead whereas before, I was ready to give it all away.
I am Thankful, for my husband. For giving me that second chance; always standing by my side and believing in me when I didn't have the strength or want to do it myself. Also, for smacking me in the head when I was being stupid and for being willing to share the rest of his life with me. That is something I never thought would happen. I always thought my destiny was to walk alone and die alone. If anything, God brought Chad and I together so that we could learn how to love again and that we are allowed to be happy.
I am Thankful for my family. Even though we don't always see eye to eye, and we don't talk that often, I know they are there and that they love me as much as I love them. If anything, the last year and a half of sobriety has brought us closer (not always good, but closer). In learning to admit to them my faults and asking for forgiveness, the bond between us has gotten stronger. They know that I am working on being a better person and that after spending the majority of the last twenty-five years in a bottle, it wont' be easy to change those patterns of behavior that I developed (self-defense mechanisms I call them). But I'm working on it. One of the best moments in my history with my dad came this year at my wedding. I was so overjoyed that they came down and to see the look in his eye when I told him I stopped drinking over a year ago was/is a look I'll keep in my mind forever. Bridges can be mended. It isn't easy, but all it takes is a leap of faith.
I am Thankful for friends. Without them this past year, I would be back in the bottom of a bottle. Getting married is not easy. The stresses involved are tremendous and finding a way to handle them is even harder when the easiest outlet isn't accessible to you. So, I say sorry and thank you to all my friends for the late night phone calls. The desperate pleas to get me out and away from Chad before I kill him and for all the times I caused you worry.
To Allison and Angela, many Thanks. Your continued ability to amaze me with your kind words and big hearts have left with me a desire to be more. Being good (like marriage Ang) takes a lot of work. I get my patience by tapping into a reservoir of hope for a better tomorrow and that knowing maybe, just maybe, by my being this way, I can effect a little change in people. Kindness, like smiles, is contagious. I feel that after all the pain I've caused, the only way to fix it, is to give back patience, understanding an kindness. God brought you into my life for a reason. If only to let me know, that there are others out there that believe too. Your kindness and smiles will be forever in my heart.
Haig, although I may not be the best sponsee in the world, I am Thankful for you. You've kept me grounded over the past year and reminded me that when times get tough, to go back to that place where you could make sense of everything, breathe, PAUSE, and look at it through anothers eyes. I'm gonna miss you and pray to God everyday for your continued grace and presence in my life.
I am Thankful for my new family: Mandee, Steve, Becky, Emsa, Katie, Jeremy, Amy, Rob, Fallon, Joe, and Barbara. The past year has brought me much joy and I blame it all on you. I turned my back on my family thinking that the further away I was, the easier it would be for them. I've learned that this is not true in the slightest way. It only made things harder. But being involved with your family, seeing how you interact and being allowed to be a part of this great, blessed thing has opened my eyes and made me yearn to be a part of my family again. I didn't have much to be proud of in the past, certainly wasn' proud of myself, but I am so proud to be called a Fallon. Thank you for having me.
So, tomorrow, when it comes time to say Thanks, I will think of all of you. I truly have a wonderful life and can't wait to see what the new year has in store. I am really happy that Chad and I will be starting a new chapter in our lives living in Orlando. Not only does it bring us closer to family but also to good friends and the opportunity to develop a better life for ourselves (we see a house in the near future that is all ours). So, tomorrow afternoon, as I cut into that red velvet cake (yes Nugget, I got it) I know that I have a lot to be thankful for.
Love you all.
I'm up so early because Chad has a cold and a fever of 102. His constant moaning and groaning and ability to never find a comfortable spot has kept me up for the past two nights. But this doesn't really bother me. I'm good with a few hours of sleep. If anything, when it comes to him being sick, I fall comfortably into the role of caregiver.
As I was laying in bed trying to return to sleep after checking his temperature and getting him water and meds, my mind couldn't help but wander. It went to one of those places that I don't really care for, but I believe we all visit, and just never talk about. "What would happen if....?" Pictures of hospitals, and other unseemly places pop into the front of my mind and then the hamster wheel takes off, and sleep is something that I'll see later in the day.
But, today, being that it is only one day away from Thanksgiving, I tried to turn this into a positive instead of letting it weigh me down. I started thinking of all the reasons I'm thankful this year. And there are many. I am thankful for my connection to God. I believe, that through my faith, he has led me on a path of happiness and joy. I can see a great future ahead whereas before, I was ready to give it all away.
I am Thankful, for my husband. For giving me that second chance; always standing by my side and believing in me when I didn't have the strength or want to do it myself. Also, for smacking me in the head when I was being stupid and for being willing to share the rest of his life with me. That is something I never thought would happen. I always thought my destiny was to walk alone and die alone. If anything, God brought Chad and I together so that we could learn how to love again and that we are allowed to be happy.
I am Thankful for my family. Even though we don't always see eye to eye, and we don't talk that often, I know they are there and that they love me as much as I love them. If anything, the last year and a half of sobriety has brought us closer (not always good, but closer). In learning to admit to them my faults and asking for forgiveness, the bond between us has gotten stronger. They know that I am working on being a better person and that after spending the majority of the last twenty-five years in a bottle, it wont' be easy to change those patterns of behavior that I developed (self-defense mechanisms I call them). But I'm working on it. One of the best moments in my history with my dad came this year at my wedding. I was so overjoyed that they came down and to see the look in his eye when I told him I stopped drinking over a year ago was/is a look I'll keep in my mind forever. Bridges can be mended. It isn't easy, but all it takes is a leap of faith.
I am Thankful for friends. Without them this past year, I would be back in the bottom of a bottle. Getting married is not easy. The stresses involved are tremendous and finding a way to handle them is even harder when the easiest outlet isn't accessible to you. So, I say sorry and thank you to all my friends for the late night phone calls. The desperate pleas to get me out and away from Chad before I kill him and for all the times I caused you worry.
To Allison and Angela, many Thanks. Your continued ability to amaze me with your kind words and big hearts have left with me a desire to be more. Being good (like marriage Ang) takes a lot of work. I get my patience by tapping into a reservoir of hope for a better tomorrow and that knowing maybe, just maybe, by my being this way, I can effect a little change in people. Kindness, like smiles, is contagious. I feel that after all the pain I've caused, the only way to fix it, is to give back patience, understanding an kindness. God brought you into my life for a reason. If only to let me know, that there are others out there that believe too. Your kindness and smiles will be forever in my heart.
Haig, although I may not be the best sponsee in the world, I am Thankful for you. You've kept me grounded over the past year and reminded me that when times get tough, to go back to that place where you could make sense of everything, breathe, PAUSE, and look at it through anothers eyes. I'm gonna miss you and pray to God everyday for your continued grace and presence in my life.
I am Thankful for my new family: Mandee, Steve, Becky, Emsa, Katie, Jeremy, Amy, Rob, Fallon, Joe, and Barbara. The past year has brought me much joy and I blame it all on you. I turned my back on my family thinking that the further away I was, the easier it would be for them. I've learned that this is not true in the slightest way. It only made things harder. But being involved with your family, seeing how you interact and being allowed to be a part of this great, blessed thing has opened my eyes and made me yearn to be a part of my family again. I didn't have much to be proud of in the past, certainly wasn' proud of myself, but I am so proud to be called a Fallon. Thank you for having me.
So, tomorrow, when it comes time to say Thanks, I will think of all of you. I truly have a wonderful life and can't wait to see what the new year has in store. I am really happy that Chad and I will be starting a new chapter in our lives living in Orlando. Not only does it bring us closer to family but also to good friends and the opportunity to develop a better life for ourselves (we see a house in the near future that is all ours). So, tomorrow afternoon, as I cut into that red velvet cake (yes Nugget, I got it) I know that I have a lot to be thankful for.
Love you all.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Another Day in Paradise
This past weekend were the power boat races here in Key West. It's a great event held every year and brings a lot of business and people to the island from all over the world. Usually, we watch the race from the local state park and havea great view of the boat coming down the final stretch. It's everything you could want: loud engines, hish speeds and some flashy paint jobs.
This year, a friend of ours invited us out on his boat. It was a dream come true. Every year I sit on the rocks overlooking the coarse looking at the boats on the water salivating at how great it must be to see the races from out there. This year it came true. It was "I wish that was me" moments come true. I LOVED IT!!!!
While we were out there on the water, I started thinking about all the reasons I love Key West and what brought me here in the first place.
My first memory of Key West was from when I was a child of only 11 or 12. My dad brought us to Florida on family vacation and it was one of those trips that lasted forever. We came down the west coast thru Alligator alley, into Miami and down the keys. I remember looking out the windows of the van (one of the old old vans that my dad had spent a summer installing a bed, chairs, carpet, curtains, etc....one of those big, huge box vans) just watching the water and how the sun glinted off it. I almost got a little sick when we hit the seven mile bridge. (this is a true story). Dad looked back and told us all (my brother, sister and I) to sit down and be still. We didn't understand why. So, we didn't and he yelled louder and we did. We understood after looking out the window and looking straight down. We thought we would see road, but we say water. Yes, one little miscalculation and that big, wide, huge brown van we be over the side of the bridge or in oncoming traffic. You see, this was before the new 7 mile bridge. We were on that old, narrow two lane bridge that they blow up in movies nowadays. It was scarey back then.
We reached our destination of Cudjoe Key where we were stayin in one of my dad's friends house right on the water. I spent every moment of the day by the water and at night laying on my back looking at the stars. They were so bright here and so many. Never saw that back home in Kentucky. It was amazing.
One day, we loaded in the van and headed further South. Key West was in our sights. We had to get the van checked out before heading back to Kentucky. We pulled into Sears, dropped off the van and went to a movie. Now you say that's no big deal. I say, back then, the Searstown shopping center was just the Sears building. And the movie theatre was not where it is now. None of the hotels coming down Roosevelt were there. No McDonalds, no gas stations, nothing. It was just trees and sand with a few houses. But still, something called to me. I fell in love. Even as a kid, I knew that one day I would live in Key West.
I didn't get back down here until 1992, almost twenty years later. I was in Miami going to college and started making regular trips down for Fantasy Fest with my fraternity brothers. Now I was loving Key West for more than just the tropical island paradise that it was. I could enjoy the other side. The one Hemingway wrote about. The one Presidet Truman fell in love with. Once again the spark that ignited in me started to flutter alive and I gained a renewed interest in Key West.
Over the next 13 year I would make at least two or three trips down a year. Becoming very familiar with the area and people. Learning the in's and out's and still yearning for a taste of the island life. One day, I'm at work and my boss approaches me and asks, "How would you like to be the manager at the Key West Outback?". I'm stunned. You mean, I actually get to get paid for living in paradise? Sure. Now, I'm not stupid. I've been to and worked in the Outback there many times. I know the proprietor and some of the staff and I understand that it is not an easy store to work in. But I had to give it a try. For years, I had been turning them down about taking a management position. It seemed like the time was right. So off I went.
Gotta say, it wasn't the best decision of my life. But, the things I've been given since moving here are things I would never give back. My first year on the island was rough to say the least. I fell into the trap. Didn't handle my night life with my daytime job very well. The lines got skewed and I hated my job. Luckily, I only signed on for a year and promptly gave my notice when the time was right. Also lucky that I had made them put in the stipulation that if I didn't like the management position after the year, that I could step down back into the bartender/server/trainer position or relocate to an Outback of my choice. Well, I wanted to stay in Key West of course since by this time I had met the man of my dreams and had started, for the first time in my life, on a healthy and unselfish road full of true friends and a life based in honesty.
With the upcoming move near at hand, I believe a little look back is needed. Not only does it tell us where we are from, but where we are and where we are going. Every step is a new adventure and happiness has finally taken the lead. I will not forget the times I've here on the island. I've met a lot of interesting people and made some life long friends. I'll have my fond memories of walking Duval Street and standing on White Street pier looking at the stars. Endless nights of listening to scooters zoom by the house with my view of the graveyard and wishes of killing every rooster on the island. I will miss the crazy people, Camilles' breakfast and live music at the Parrot. I will live in Orlando, or wherever the day may take me, but my heart will be in Key West.... longing for another day in paradise.
This year, a friend of ours invited us out on his boat. It was a dream come true. Every year I sit on the rocks overlooking the coarse looking at the boats on the water salivating at how great it must be to see the races from out there. This year it came true. It was "I wish that was me" moments come true. I LOVED IT!!!!
While we were out there on the water, I started thinking about all the reasons I love Key West and what brought me here in the first place.
My first memory of Key West was from when I was a child of only 11 or 12. My dad brought us to Florida on family vacation and it was one of those trips that lasted forever. We came down the west coast thru Alligator alley, into Miami and down the keys. I remember looking out the windows of the van (one of the old old vans that my dad had spent a summer installing a bed, chairs, carpet, curtains, etc....one of those big, huge box vans) just watching the water and how the sun glinted off it. I almost got a little sick when we hit the seven mile bridge. (this is a true story). Dad looked back and told us all (my brother, sister and I) to sit down and be still. We didn't understand why. So, we didn't and he yelled louder and we did. We understood after looking out the window and looking straight down. We thought we would see road, but we say water. Yes, one little miscalculation and that big, wide, huge brown van we be over the side of the bridge or in oncoming traffic. You see, this was before the new 7 mile bridge. We were on that old, narrow two lane bridge that they blow up in movies nowadays. It was scarey back then.
We reached our destination of Cudjoe Key where we were stayin in one of my dad's friends house right on the water. I spent every moment of the day by the water and at night laying on my back looking at the stars. They were so bright here and so many. Never saw that back home in Kentucky. It was amazing.
One day, we loaded in the van and headed further South. Key West was in our sights. We had to get the van checked out before heading back to Kentucky. We pulled into Sears, dropped off the van and went to a movie. Now you say that's no big deal. I say, back then, the Searstown shopping center was just the Sears building. And the movie theatre was not where it is now. None of the hotels coming down Roosevelt were there. No McDonalds, no gas stations, nothing. It was just trees and sand with a few houses. But still, something called to me. I fell in love. Even as a kid, I knew that one day I would live in Key West.
I didn't get back down here until 1992, almost twenty years later. I was in Miami going to college and started making regular trips down for Fantasy Fest with my fraternity brothers. Now I was loving Key West for more than just the tropical island paradise that it was. I could enjoy the other side. The one Hemingway wrote about. The one Presidet Truman fell in love with. Once again the spark that ignited in me started to flutter alive and I gained a renewed interest in Key West.
Over the next 13 year I would make at least two or three trips down a year. Becoming very familiar with the area and people. Learning the in's and out's and still yearning for a taste of the island life. One day, I'm at work and my boss approaches me and asks, "How would you like to be the manager at the Key West Outback?". I'm stunned. You mean, I actually get to get paid for living in paradise? Sure. Now, I'm not stupid. I've been to and worked in the Outback there many times. I know the proprietor and some of the staff and I understand that it is not an easy store to work in. But I had to give it a try. For years, I had been turning them down about taking a management position. It seemed like the time was right. So off I went.
Gotta say, it wasn't the best decision of my life. But, the things I've been given since moving here are things I would never give back. My first year on the island was rough to say the least. I fell into the trap. Didn't handle my night life with my daytime job very well. The lines got skewed and I hated my job. Luckily, I only signed on for a year and promptly gave my notice when the time was right. Also lucky that I had made them put in the stipulation that if I didn't like the management position after the year, that I could step down back into the bartender/server/trainer position or relocate to an Outback of my choice. Well, I wanted to stay in Key West of course since by this time I had met the man of my dreams and had started, for the first time in my life, on a healthy and unselfish road full of true friends and a life based in honesty.
With the upcoming move near at hand, I believe a little look back is needed. Not only does it tell us where we are from, but where we are and where we are going. Every step is a new adventure and happiness has finally taken the lead. I will not forget the times I've here on the island. I've met a lot of interesting people and made some life long friends. I'll have my fond memories of walking Duval Street and standing on White Street pier looking at the stars. Endless nights of listening to scooters zoom by the house with my view of the graveyard and wishes of killing every rooster on the island. I will miss the crazy people, Camilles' breakfast and live music at the Parrot. I will live in Orlando, or wherever the day may take me, but my heart will be in Key West.... longing for another day in paradise.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Life in Music
Music has always been a great part of my life. I'm sure we can all say that when we hear a certain song it brings back memories. Whether it be high school, and old boy/girl-friend or even a family memory, they are there. I tend to think it a little different with me.
I used to take certain lines from songs and make it my mantra for a time. Like, when I was, gosh, 11 or so, there was a song "Don't Cry Out Loud". Part of the lyrics went "Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside, and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud, and if you should fall, remember you almost had it all". I kept this with me all through high school. And basically shut myself down to everyone. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings that were brewing inside me so I kept them all inside. It kept me from having a lot of friends and being afraid to show my true self.
But enough of that. What I want to get out today, is that to often, especially in todays youth, it isn't the words that people find important, its the rythem and the beat. I still think that songs that have meaningful words are the most important ones. I'm not saying we don't need Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" (it's nice to dance to) but a song that makes you think and feel; that you can relate part of your life to, is one you can hold on to forever.
Here is a little of the lyrics from a song called "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless. I wanted to use this song at the wedding but we just didn't get it in. If you like the lyrics, look it up on Youtube and listen to the complete song.
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do.
To me this is beautiful and relates to the last few years of my life. It also gives me inspiration to want to carry on and do more. Be better. But we all have times in our lives when, even when we seem to have it all together, we still find our faith a little shaken. And we start to wonder if the decisions we've made are correct. We know that if we just hold on, our faith will get us through and that the road we've chosen, whether right or wrong, will become clearer to us. The question remains, "How long does it take?" And then, it seems, that before we've had time to let our faith strengthen once again, something happens to shake it even more. So, we've had our doubts, they're starting to go away, and you get slammed again. More doubt. It's like a high interest loan. You just keep getting hit with those interst rates. When will it stop and where do you find a port in the storm?
I turn to music again. This one is one of my favorites (Chad hates it). "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus.
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep myhead held high
There's always going to be a nother mountain
I'm alwaysgoing to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Aint' about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb.
We all have our ways of dealing with pressure and life's little insecurities. The inspiration can be found in many ways. At one point I gave up looking and was ready to let it all go, but now I have a reason to fight and a reason to climb. My faith is strong, but it falters every now and then. Within this faith I can find the will to either continue down one path, or choose another.
I apologize if this post isn't up to my normal standards. You see, I'm having some doubts and feel a little lost and alone. I'm looking for some answers and I know they're out there, but I believe my faith is being tested. I just keep getting hit with one after the other and I need it to stop. I feel like I'm losing part of myself lately, and after fighting to get my life back on track, I just feel empty. I need a reboot.
All my love.
I used to take certain lines from songs and make it my mantra for a time. Like, when I was, gosh, 11 or so, there was a song "Don't Cry Out Loud". Part of the lyrics went "Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside, and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud, and if you should fall, remember you almost had it all". I kept this with me all through high school. And basically shut myself down to everyone. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings that were brewing inside me so I kept them all inside. It kept me from having a lot of friends and being afraid to show my true self.
But enough of that. What I want to get out today, is that to often, especially in todays youth, it isn't the words that people find important, its the rythem and the beat. I still think that songs that have meaningful words are the most important ones. I'm not saying we don't need Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" (it's nice to dance to) but a song that makes you think and feel; that you can relate part of your life to, is one you can hold on to forever.
Here is a little of the lyrics from a song called "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless. I wanted to use this song at the wedding but we just didn't get it in. If you like the lyrics, look it up on Youtube and listen to the complete song.
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do.
To me this is beautiful and relates to the last few years of my life. It also gives me inspiration to want to carry on and do more. Be better. But we all have times in our lives when, even when we seem to have it all together, we still find our faith a little shaken. And we start to wonder if the decisions we've made are correct. We know that if we just hold on, our faith will get us through and that the road we've chosen, whether right or wrong, will become clearer to us. The question remains, "How long does it take?" And then, it seems, that before we've had time to let our faith strengthen once again, something happens to shake it even more. So, we've had our doubts, they're starting to go away, and you get slammed again. More doubt. It's like a high interest loan. You just keep getting hit with those interst rates. When will it stop and where do you find a port in the storm?
I turn to music again. This one is one of my favorites (Chad hates it). "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus.
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep myhead held high
There's always going to be a nother mountain
I'm alwaysgoing to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Aint' about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb.
We all have our ways of dealing with pressure and life's little insecurities. The inspiration can be found in many ways. At one point I gave up looking and was ready to let it all go, but now I have a reason to fight and a reason to climb. My faith is strong, but it falters every now and then. Within this faith I can find the will to either continue down one path, or choose another.
I apologize if this post isn't up to my normal standards. You see, I'm having some doubts and feel a little lost and alone. I'm looking for some answers and I know they're out there, but I believe my faith is being tested. I just keep getting hit with one after the other and I need it to stop. I feel like I'm losing part of myself lately, and after fighting to get my life back on track, I just feel empty. I need a reboot.
All my love.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
A Change of Venue
It's amazing how the smallest things can bring people the most joy. For months, my man, Chad, has been in the dumps. You would think that after getting married that his stress level would drop and some happiness would return to his face. Well, it didn't. What the hell was going on with him? In my mind, I knew what the problem was, but I didn't think that it could affect him so badly. I look at things and make the best out of the situation and try not to let it bring me down. Not so much for Chad.
So, much to our surprise, it seems that we will be leaving Key West earlier than we thought. When I told him that we should leave as soon as possible, his face was unlike anything I've seen in a long time with him. it was pure happiness. Here, I thought that it was a simple thing, but to him, it was the world. It gave me great joy to make him happy. That's all I've been trying to do for a long time. He deserves it. We all deserve to be happy. And it cost me nothing.
I will be happy anywhere as long as long WE are together: He and I, me and all of you, and all the blessed friends we have made along the way.
So, mid December we are gone. We'll be there just in time for Christmas. Which is great since we always go to Orlando/Inverness for the holidays anyway. I will miss all my friends here. Since I became sober, I've developed safety nets and have a support structure in place in case I breakdown an stress myself out to much. Although, I don't rely on it to often. It will be difficult to establish this line of defense upon moving, but I have already started making the necessary arrangements. And every day gets a little easier for me to cope with the fact of moving. A few keystrokes and I've accessed the Orlando chapter of AA. Found several meeting sites and have talked to my sponsor about how the sponsor program works upon moving. I'll have to find a new one, but I know Haig will always be there for me if needed.
Chad on the other hand gets his joy back (ok, more joy since he already has me, heehee). He gets his lifelong friend, Jimmy, back. His sisters are just around the corner and a job that he truly enjoys is waiting for him. That's the real reason we are moving anyway. The cost of living on the Islan is to much, and even harder when you hate your job/boss. So, we all win in the end.
I'm happy he's happy. He's happy to be off the Island and back in a place he loves. I'm happy for a new adventure (there was one year I moved seven times). I look forward to meeting new friends and working in another Outback. This will be Outback #9 or 10, I lose track, but after 15 years I'm not looking for a new job. Just a change of venue.
So, much to our surprise, it seems that we will be leaving Key West earlier than we thought. When I told him that we should leave as soon as possible, his face was unlike anything I've seen in a long time with him. it was pure happiness. Here, I thought that it was a simple thing, but to him, it was the world. It gave me great joy to make him happy. That's all I've been trying to do for a long time. He deserves it. We all deserve to be happy. And it cost me nothing.
I will be happy anywhere as long as long WE are together: He and I, me and all of you, and all the blessed friends we have made along the way.
So, mid December we are gone. We'll be there just in time for Christmas. Which is great since we always go to Orlando/Inverness for the holidays anyway. I will miss all my friends here. Since I became sober, I've developed safety nets and have a support structure in place in case I breakdown an stress myself out to much. Although, I don't rely on it to often. It will be difficult to establish this line of defense upon moving, but I have already started making the necessary arrangements. And every day gets a little easier for me to cope with the fact of moving. A few keystrokes and I've accessed the Orlando chapter of AA. Found several meeting sites and have talked to my sponsor about how the sponsor program works upon moving. I'll have to find a new one, but I know Haig will always be there for me if needed.
Chad on the other hand gets his joy back (ok, more joy since he already has me, heehee). He gets his lifelong friend, Jimmy, back. His sisters are just around the corner and a job that he truly enjoys is waiting for him. That's the real reason we are moving anyway. The cost of living on the Islan is to much, and even harder when you hate your job/boss. So, we all win in the end.
I'm happy he's happy. He's happy to be off the Island and back in a place he loves. I'm happy for a new adventure (there was one year I moved seven times). I look forward to meeting new friends and working in another Outback. This will be Outback #9 or 10, I lose track, but after 15 years I'm not looking for a new job. Just a change of venue.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Bring You Love
Since the wedding, I've been asked several times if I feel any different now that I'm married? I tell people no. That it's all the same, I just wear a ring now. But that's not entirely true.
One of the things that's changed is the level of committment that I feel toward Chad. We used to kid around alot about "there's the door" or "why are we doing this". But everytime I feel that ring around my finger or see the sunlight glinting off it, I am reminded of one thing: He loves me enough to want to be mine for the rest of our lives. LOVE. I think it can conquer all.
For those of you that don't know our story, I like to believe it is kinda fairy tale-ish. When I first met Chad, I couldn't stand him. I thought he was a pompous, arrogant, know-it-all whose dry sense of humor and sarcasm drove me crazy. And I was his manager. But, we started hanging out and getting to know each other and love happend. It wasn't easy. Nor did it happen right away. As you've come to know from reading my blogs, I was/am an alcoholic. And some of you may have guessed that I had given up on life and was slowly killing myself. And then Chad happened.
He came along and somehow we fell in love and when things got to be real bad....he didn't give up on me. And he wouldn't let me run or push him away. Somehow this big dummy fell in love with me and found the strength to hold on to me and help me through one of the most difficult things I have ever been through.
On the flip side, Chad had kind of given up too. But love is amazing in what changes you make for it. And it's amazing for what it can teach you. In Chad, I found a strength that I thought had left me years ago. I realized that I can do whatever I put my mind to and I am capable of so much more than I ever gave myself credit for. While he was fighting for me, he stopped quitting on himself.
And Chad learned a few things too. He learned patience and a way to look at things in a different light. Our life struggles have been different and our journeys have led us to places neither would have gone. I traveled a lot when I was younger and saw a great portion of the world. Chad has never been out of the U.S. I went to college and studied while Chad learned about life in other means. I love books and movies and gazing at the stars and Chad likes fast cars and loud music and hanging with his friends. None of these are bad, but the ten year difference in our ages shows a little here.
Not that I would give it up, for I believe it is these differences that make us a strong couple. We learn from each other. He to slow down and enjoy life and me, to maybe take things a little more serious. We meet halfway most of the time and I'm sure we will have a great life. TOGETHER. It only takes embracing the differences and knowing that they are there. The old saying goes, "You've got to give a litte, to get a lot."
We've been together for two years, and both of us have changed a lot. It's really amazing how much sharing your life with someone opens the doors of opportunity and growth. It takes the selfishness away and brings togetherness. This, I think, is what GOD intended in the first place. That love should never be blind and never boastful. It is quiet and subtle. You find it when you're not looking and amazed by when you do. If you let it envelope you and hold you, put all your everything in it, you will be shocked by how far you can go, what you can accomplish and lives that you touch. Open your eyes and your heart, and the journey you will travel afterward can only bring you joy.
Balance. Talk. Listen. Enjoy. Share. Laugh. Cry. Yell. LOVE!!!
One of the things that's changed is the level of committment that I feel toward Chad. We used to kid around alot about "there's the door" or "why are we doing this". But everytime I feel that ring around my finger or see the sunlight glinting off it, I am reminded of one thing: He loves me enough to want to be mine for the rest of our lives. LOVE. I think it can conquer all.
For those of you that don't know our story, I like to believe it is kinda fairy tale-ish. When I first met Chad, I couldn't stand him. I thought he was a pompous, arrogant, know-it-all whose dry sense of humor and sarcasm drove me crazy. And I was his manager. But, we started hanging out and getting to know each other and love happend. It wasn't easy. Nor did it happen right away. As you've come to know from reading my blogs, I was/am an alcoholic. And some of you may have guessed that I had given up on life and was slowly killing myself. And then Chad happened.
He came along and somehow we fell in love and when things got to be real bad....he didn't give up on me. And he wouldn't let me run or push him away. Somehow this big dummy fell in love with me and found the strength to hold on to me and help me through one of the most difficult things I have ever been through.
On the flip side, Chad had kind of given up too. But love is amazing in what changes you make for it. And it's amazing for what it can teach you. In Chad, I found a strength that I thought had left me years ago. I realized that I can do whatever I put my mind to and I am capable of so much more than I ever gave myself credit for. While he was fighting for me, he stopped quitting on himself.
And Chad learned a few things too. He learned patience and a way to look at things in a different light. Our life struggles have been different and our journeys have led us to places neither would have gone. I traveled a lot when I was younger and saw a great portion of the world. Chad has never been out of the U.S. I went to college and studied while Chad learned about life in other means. I love books and movies and gazing at the stars and Chad likes fast cars and loud music and hanging with his friends. None of these are bad, but the ten year difference in our ages shows a little here.
Not that I would give it up, for I believe it is these differences that make us a strong couple. We learn from each other. He to slow down and enjoy life and me, to maybe take things a little more serious. We meet halfway most of the time and I'm sure we will have a great life. TOGETHER. It only takes embracing the differences and knowing that they are there. The old saying goes, "You've got to give a litte, to get a lot."
We've been together for two years, and both of us have changed a lot. It's really amazing how much sharing your life with someone opens the doors of opportunity and growth. It takes the selfishness away and brings togetherness. This, I think, is what GOD intended in the first place. That love should never be blind and never boastful. It is quiet and subtle. You find it when you're not looking and amazed by when you do. If you let it envelope you and hold you, put all your everything in it, you will be shocked by how far you can go, what you can accomplish and lives that you touch. Open your eyes and your heart, and the journey you will travel afterward can only bring you joy.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Brings Happiness
So, it's been three days since the wedding and a little over a week since my last blog and so much has happened. On Friday, I was wondering why anyone would want to get married after all the stress that we have put ourselves through. There were times that afternoon when I wanted to call it all off and say %*&# it. It just wasn't worth all the aggrevation, tears, turmoil and frustration.
By Friday night, those feeling had subsided, and whole new set came on. With family and friends now in town, the anxiety, nerves, and butterflies had all set-in. So, I found my port in the storm (thanks Dottie), got my focus on, and kept it all together.
Saturday morning came and here came the hurry here, do that, what's this, you were supposed to do that, and run run run. And at 4:30, be at the gardens, cause you're getting married in a half hour. Of course the ceremony was beautiful. Everyone had a great time and it went off with only a few minor glitches.
And we were happy.
It is worth it. Knowing that the one you are ready to spend the rest of your life with, wants the same thing. That vowing in front of family and friends and saying "I'll be there for you through it all" means a great deal. It is nothing to make fun of or take lightly.
And for a few short hours the world stopped. It was only about me and him. Nothing else mattered. But it did. The way my Dad looked at me and I saw happiness in his eyes. It was the same happiness I saw in the eyes of Chad's sisters and Mom and Dad. The same happiness that I saw in the eyes of all our friends that had gathered to celebrate our day with us. The whole world was happy. At least in my mind and that's all that mattered at that moment. For a few short, blessed hours, almost everyone we cared about was happy. And it all made sense. These little moments. The twists and turns of fate that lead us to where we are all happen for a reason. Just gotta have faith that all things work themselves out for reasons that we just can't explain. God leads us in ways we can't imagine and without our knowing.
So, I thank everyone that made October 16th, 2010 the happiest day of my life. Without everyone that come into our lives or brought us into life, we would not be here enjoy all that God has given. So, family that traveled from afar, friends that sacrificed to be here, and all the others that rejoiced with us wether at the pary or just by saying congratulations over Facebook, I thank you.
By Friday night, those feeling had subsided, and whole new set came on. With family and friends now in town, the anxiety, nerves, and butterflies had all set-in. So, I found my port in the storm (thanks Dottie), got my focus on, and kept it all together.
Saturday morning came and here came the hurry here, do that, what's this, you were supposed to do that, and run run run. And at 4:30, be at the gardens, cause you're getting married in a half hour. Of course the ceremony was beautiful. Everyone had a great time and it went off with only a few minor glitches.
And we were happy.
It is worth it. Knowing that the one you are ready to spend the rest of your life with, wants the same thing. That vowing in front of family and friends and saying "I'll be there for you through it all" means a great deal. It is nothing to make fun of or take lightly.
And for a few short hours the world stopped. It was only about me and him. Nothing else mattered. But it did. The way my Dad looked at me and I saw happiness in his eyes. It was the same happiness I saw in the eyes of Chad's sisters and Mom and Dad. The same happiness that I saw in the eyes of all our friends that had gathered to celebrate our day with us. The whole world was happy. At least in my mind and that's all that mattered at that moment. For a few short, blessed hours, almost everyone we cared about was happy. And it all made sense. These little moments. The twists and turns of fate that lead us to where we are all happen for a reason. Just gotta have faith that all things work themselves out for reasons that we just can't explain. God leads us in ways we can't imagine and without our knowing.
So, I thank everyone that made October 16th, 2010 the happiest day of my life. Without everyone that come into our lives or brought us into life, we would not be here enjoy all that God has given. So, family that traveled from afar, friends that sacrificed to be here, and all the others that rejoiced with us wether at the pary or just by saying congratulations over Facebook, I thank you.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Choices....
Somethings been bothering me for a couple of days and I feel like there is more that needs to be said. A few days ago a friend of mine posted a facebook status about "1 in 10 of everyone born is gay..." and the debate went on. Well, I read a comment posted back saying about how it was our choice to love a member of the same sex and that special benefits shouldn't be given just because we CHOOSE to love the same sex. Well, I got something to say about that and I've had a long time to think about it.
I makes me mad when people say we have a choice. I'm sure there are some out there that do, but for the majority, and we are a huge majority, we were born this way. My fight with my mother, God bless her for her beliefs (and I would never deny anyone their beliefs) is that I would never have chosen a lifestyle in which the suicide and mortality rates is one of the highest in world (and I've been on the suicide end several times). I would never have chosen to alienate myself from family and friends. I would never have chosen to live my life watching life pass me by through the bottom of a bottle. Yes, even I say to myself, I made the choice to drink and to avoid life. But at a young age of 13, 14, 15 - when influences are beyond our control and all you want to do is to fit in, it was easier to give up, than to fight. And being AFRAID (as my sponsor tells me) is one of those character defects that we are always afraid of admitting.
So, being young, and afraid, and finding alcohol, I had my escape. And I did. There are those out there that aren't that lucky. Though it is much more accepted now and people are educated and trained in dealing with this, it wasn't back when I was going through it. And still, the rate of teenage suicide due to not being able to handle the fact that they are different is higher than it's ever been. And yet, there are people who still believe that its a choice. We Had No Choice.
Would I go back and change it if I could? No, I wouldn't change one single day that lead me on my way to you. This is the reason we live isn't it? To try and effect a change. To make one thing better than it was when we found it. That's what they taught me when I was in the Boy Scouts. Always leave a camp area the way you found it or better. And isn't that all we're doing here on this planet. Camping???? I know it sounds so simple. But we've lost sight of the simple things, because, once again... there are people out there who try to make it difficult. Break it down to its smallest simpliest (?) element and what do we have? A great big campsite that we've destroyed and broken and squandered away. No tangents, sorry.
Anyway, choices... yes we have choices. And my choice now is to speak out against the bigotry and stupidity that runs this world. Did I have a choice in being gay? NO. I would not want to put my family through the things I did by choice. I did choose to try and hide it and in the process drive myself and my family to the brink of madness. I did choose to drink and further alienate myself from the world. I did choose, in the end to stop the madness. If I had chosen not to stop drinking, I would be dead. I know that. But instead I opted to live and love and be happy. And now, three days from this posting, if Hurricane Paula doesn't ruin all our plans, I will have a awesomely loving addition to my family.
So parents, I challenge you (in keeping with my HERO theme) to be a hero to your child. Don't be afraid to talk to them. They're scared enough. If my dad had just said, "I know your gay. Let's talk." My life would be different. Can't say for sure but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have tried suicide several times. I wouldn't have put Trisha through a horriffic two years of pure hell. Trish if you read this, I'm trying to apologize and haven't quite gotten the courage to do it. Things would have been different and I want to believe different for the better. And better is what all parents want for their children isn't it. God, please, don't just say nothing. Talk to your kids. It's your CHOICE.
I makes me mad when people say we have a choice. I'm sure there are some out there that do, but for the majority, and we are a huge majority, we were born this way. My fight with my mother, God bless her for her beliefs (and I would never deny anyone their beliefs) is that I would never have chosen a lifestyle in which the suicide and mortality rates is one of the highest in world (and I've been on the suicide end several times). I would never have chosen to alienate myself from family and friends. I would never have chosen to live my life watching life pass me by through the bottom of a bottle. Yes, even I say to myself, I made the choice to drink and to avoid life. But at a young age of 13, 14, 15 - when influences are beyond our control and all you want to do is to fit in, it was easier to give up, than to fight. And being AFRAID (as my sponsor tells me) is one of those character defects that we are always afraid of admitting.
So, being young, and afraid, and finding alcohol, I had my escape. And I did. There are those out there that aren't that lucky. Though it is much more accepted now and people are educated and trained in dealing with this, it wasn't back when I was going through it. And still, the rate of teenage suicide due to not being able to handle the fact that they are different is higher than it's ever been. And yet, there are people who still believe that its a choice. We Had No Choice.
Would I go back and change it if I could? No, I wouldn't change one single day that lead me on my way to you. This is the reason we live isn't it? To try and effect a change. To make one thing better than it was when we found it. That's what they taught me when I was in the Boy Scouts. Always leave a camp area the way you found it or better. And isn't that all we're doing here on this planet. Camping???? I know it sounds so simple. But we've lost sight of the simple things, because, once again... there are people out there who try to make it difficult. Break it down to its smallest simpliest (?) element and what do we have? A great big campsite that we've destroyed and broken and squandered away. No tangents, sorry.
Anyway, choices... yes we have choices. And my choice now is to speak out against the bigotry and stupidity that runs this world. Did I have a choice in being gay? NO. I would not want to put my family through the things I did by choice. I did choose to try and hide it and in the process drive myself and my family to the brink of madness. I did choose to drink and further alienate myself from the world. I did choose, in the end to stop the madness. If I had chosen not to stop drinking, I would be dead. I know that. But instead I opted to live and love and be happy. And now, three days from this posting, if Hurricane Paula doesn't ruin all our plans, I will have a awesomely loving addition to my family.
So parents, I challenge you (in keeping with my HERO theme) to be a hero to your child. Don't be afraid to talk to them. They're scared enough. If my dad had just said, "I know your gay. Let's talk." My life would be different. Can't say for sure but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have tried suicide several times. I wouldn't have put Trisha through a horriffic two years of pure hell. Trish if you read this, I'm trying to apologize and haven't quite gotten the courage to do it. Things would have been different and I want to believe different for the better. And better is what all parents want for their children isn't it. God, please, don't just say nothing. Talk to your kids. It's your CHOICE.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
My Second Chance
It was never supposed to be like this. In my alcohol infused brain, I was to be dead way before now. Now after not drinking for a year and a half, I've finally found happiness that I thought God had said I was to never know. I've found Love, which I thought was never supposed to be mine. For some reason, I thought that I was only here to take up space.
Somewhere along the way, I learned that I actually was a good person. That I had a lot to contribute and that I was actually quite smart. I just didn't want to beleive it or hear it. I don't want this to be a "Oh, woe is me" blog. I want this to be uplifting and inspiring. I believe that the world needs a hero. That there needs to be some form of hope. The economy is for crap and there is famine and war all across the planet. Sooner than we think, there will be millions homeless or dead due to the melting polar ice caps and global climate changes. And I think, and the real reason I've started this, is that the "HERO" needs to be us.
Not often enough in this world do we give people a second chance. Not often enough do we believe that someone isn't out to just take us for a ride. Faith is a strong word and not in our vocabularies enough. Faith in the human race and each other that there are still some good, honest people in the world. I believe that it is an intrinsic value that we want to trust and believe in each other. But, since the beginning of time, all we've had to go on is the bad. Well, bad has taken over and it's time for GOOD to come back. Do one good thing for someone today and tomorrow and it goes a long way. Let it get paid forward. Let a little act of random kindness be the thing that starts your day and see how you feel later.
I kind of believe that grouchy people are grouchy simply because no one has ever just smiled at them and said, "hello, how are you today". It could change the world.
I've been blessed by second chances. Took them for granted and still been given more. And there are a lot of people out there worse off than I was or am. Believe it or not, you are loved. People do care and there are second chances.
So, for my first blog I would like to thank a few people. God - for giving me four chances that I can remember (and some that I don't). Brian David Cruikshank, for giving me a second chance as long as I got help. Chad, for leading me to the help (and also showing me more LOVE than I ever thought I was allowed to have). Haig for keeping me on the straight and narrow even when I don't wanna be. Allison who probably has the biggest and best heart that I've ever encountered and her mother, Angela, who gave it to her. I'm blessed and alive today because of these people. My Second Chance.
Somewhere along the way, I learned that I actually was a good person. That I had a lot to contribute and that I was actually quite smart. I just didn't want to beleive it or hear it. I don't want this to be a "Oh, woe is me" blog. I want this to be uplifting and inspiring. I believe that the world needs a hero. That there needs to be some form of hope. The economy is for crap and there is famine and war all across the planet. Sooner than we think, there will be millions homeless or dead due to the melting polar ice caps and global climate changes. And I think, and the real reason I've started this, is that the "HERO" needs to be us.
Not often enough in this world do we give people a second chance. Not often enough do we believe that someone isn't out to just take us for a ride. Faith is a strong word and not in our vocabularies enough. Faith in the human race and each other that there are still some good, honest people in the world. I believe that it is an intrinsic value that we want to trust and believe in each other. But, since the beginning of time, all we've had to go on is the bad. Well, bad has taken over and it's time for GOOD to come back. Do one good thing for someone today and tomorrow and it goes a long way. Let it get paid forward. Let a little act of random kindness be the thing that starts your day and see how you feel later.
I kind of believe that grouchy people are grouchy simply because no one has ever just smiled at them and said, "hello, how are you today". It could change the world.
I've been blessed by second chances. Took them for granted and still been given more. And there are a lot of people out there worse off than I was or am. Believe it or not, you are loved. People do care and there are second chances.
So, for my first blog I would like to thank a few people. God - for giving me four chances that I can remember (and some that I don't). Brian David Cruikshank, for giving me a second chance as long as I got help. Chad, for leading me to the help (and also showing me more LOVE than I ever thought I was allowed to have). Haig for keeping me on the straight and narrow even when I don't wanna be. Allison who probably has the biggest and best heart that I've ever encountered and her mother, Angela, who gave it to her. I'm blessed and alive today because of these people. My Second Chance.
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