A Lot to Be Thankful For

It's 5:30 in the morning as I write this post. The house is quiet and only a few noises can be heard from outside.  Roosters crowing; scooters zipping past and the occasional unidentified sound coming from outside.
I'm up so early because Chad has a cold and a fever of 102.  His constant moaning and groaning and ability to never find a comfortable spot has kept me up for the past two nights.  But this doesn't really bother me.  I'm good with a few hours of sleep.  If anything, when it comes to him being sick, I fall comfortably into the role of caregiver.

As I was laying in bed trying to return to sleep after checking his temperature and getting him water and meds, my mind couldn't help but wander.  It went to one of those places that I don't really care for, but I believe we all visit, and just never talk about.  "What would happen if....?"  Pictures of hospitals, and other unseemly places pop into the front of my mind and then the hamster wheel takes off, and sleep is something that I'll see later in the day.

But, today, being that it is only one day away from Thanksgiving, I tried to turn this into a positive instead of letting it weigh me down.  I started thinking of all the reasons I'm thankful this year.  And there are many. I am thankful for my connection to God.  I believe, that through my faith, he has led me on a path of happiness and joy.  I can see a great future ahead whereas before, I was ready to give it all away.

I am Thankful, for my husband.  For giving me that second chance; always standing by my side and believing in me when I didn't have the strength or want to do it myself.  Also, for smacking me in the head when I was being stupid and for being willing to share the rest of his life with me.  That is something I never thought would happen.  I always thought my destiny was to walk alone and die alone.  If anything, God brought Chad and I together so that we could learn how to love again and that we are allowed to be happy.

I am Thankful for my family.  Even though we don't always see eye to eye, and we don't talk that often, I know they are there and that they love me as much as I love them.  If anything, the last year and a half of sobriety has brought us closer (not always good, but closer).  In learning to admit to them my faults and asking for forgiveness, the bond between us has gotten stronger.  They know that I am working on being a better person and that after spending the majority of the last twenty-five years in a bottle, it wont' be easy to change those patterns of behavior that I developed (self-defense mechanisms I call them).  But I'm working on it.  One of the best moments in my history with my dad came this year at my wedding.  I was so overjoyed that they came down and to see the look in his eye when I told him I stopped drinking over a year ago was/is a look I'll keep in my mind forever.  Bridges can be mended.  It isn't easy, but all it takes is a leap of faith.

I am Thankful for friends.  Without them this past year, I would be back in the bottom of a bottle.  Getting married is not easy.  The stresses involved are tremendous and finding a way to handle them is even harder when the easiest outlet isn't accessible to you.  So, I say sorry and thank you to all my friends for the late night phone calls.  The desperate pleas to get me out and away from Chad before I kill him and for all the times I caused you worry. 

To Allison and Angela, many Thanks.  Your continued ability to amaze me with your kind words and big hearts have left with me a desire to be more.  Being good (like marriage Ang) takes a lot of work.  I get my patience by tapping into a reservoir of hope for a better tomorrow and that knowing maybe, just maybe, by my being this way, I can effect a little change in people.  Kindness, like smiles, is contagious.  I feel that after all the pain I've caused, the only way to fix it, is to give back patience, understanding an kindness.  God brought you into my life for a reason.  If only to let me know, that there are others out there that believe too.  Your kindness and smiles will be forever in my heart.

Haig, although I may not be the best sponsee in the world, I am Thankful for you.  You've kept me grounded over the past year and reminded me that when times get tough, to go back to that place where you could make sense of everything, breathe, PAUSE, and look at it through anothers eyes.  I'm gonna miss you and pray to God everyday for your continued grace and presence in my life.

I am Thankful for my new family:  Mandee, Steve, Becky, Emsa, Katie, Jeremy, Amy, Rob, Fallon, Joe, and Barbara.  The past year has brought me much joy and I blame it all on you.  I turned my back on my family thinking that the further away I was, the easier it would be for them.  I've learned that this is not true in the slightest way.  It only made things harder.  But being involved with your family, seeing how you interact and being allowed to be a part of this great, blessed thing has opened my eyes and made me yearn to be a part of my family again.  I didn't have much to be proud of in the past, certainly wasn' proud of myself, but I am so proud to be called a Fallon.  Thank you for having me.

So, tomorrow, when it comes time to say Thanks, I will think of all of you.  I truly have a wonderful life and can't wait to see what the new year has in store.  I am really happy that Chad and I will be starting a new chapter in our lives living in Orlando.  Not only does it bring us closer to family but also to good friends and the opportunity to develop a better life for ourselves (we see a house in the near future that is all ours).  So, tomorrow afternoon, as I cut into that red velvet cake (yes Nugget, I got it) I know that I have a lot to be thankful for.

Love you all.