I miss him. I know we haven't ever been that close, but I miss him. I tried to get here in time. Did things driving that I look back on now and say, "Wow....Chad would be yelling at me for that!" I don't feel like being funny and actually part of me doesn't even want to be here. But I have to be. My father died.
I don't know what to feel yet and I haven't broken down. But I know it's coming. Funny thing is I've known for a long time this was coming and you think you'd be prepared for it...but you're just not. All the things that needed to be said, and I know he knows, but I still wanted to say them. All the things that I wanted to apologize for...but he already forgave me for...but still needed to say. It's all here. I'll get my chance. I know. But still I miss him.
It isn't that we were really close either, but just the comfort of knowing he was there. He always had a way of switching our conversation over to the weather and I knew this was his polite way of saying, "Ok, time to go". Drove me crazy, but I laugh at it now. He taught me so many things, and I'm sorry that I wasn't the son he deserved when I was younger, but I know he was proud of the man I turned out to be. He did his best and I know that. But still...I will miss him.
I knew was gone. I just passed Atlanta and a song came on the radio and suddenly I was filled with joy and grief all at the same time and something inside me said, I was to late. Then calmness...and the realization that what was meant to be was meant to be and I still had to make this journey. For my family....for my father, my grandparents.....for all the Craft's and Brown's that have left this realm and entered the next. Mainly for me.
There isn't much to say or do...just being there. All I know is...I miss him.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
The People In Our Lives
It's amazing you know. The people in our lives. Never do we know the reasons why we cross paths or come into contact with the people around us, but it happens. And trying to figure it out could drive you crazy. So just don't try. All we can do is take from them the things that they give us, give to them what we have to offer and hope that whatever the connection we have made in the little time we've had together, will make a difference in each others life.
I read somewhere once upon a time, that if someone makes eye contact with you, it's for a reason and you need to acknowledge them. Say hi. There is something that can be given to the other if we let down our barriers and open up to each other. Easier said than done in this day and age. But, there are times when I believe it and act on it. I've had great success with this and some really bad endings but it isn't about the outcome, it's about the journey. What have you learned from the experience and what can you pass on to the next person? It's actually a fun little game, but you have to stay open to the experience and not let yourself get closed off.
To people that are a part of your life everyday, it's a little different. We let so much of the past bog us down that we forget to live in the moment. These are the people we have to interact with everyday and if we can't be our self around them, then we really have a problem. It should be easier to interact with the people closest to us but most of the time they are the ones we shut down around. Why is this? My God, I love to have fun with people and act silly, so when I get upset or mad, everyone knows. But you know what, they leave me alone when I want to be alone and they pick me up when I need to be picked up. For the greater part of my life, I closed myself off and kept everything bottled up inside. It nearly drove me crazy. And there are times when I find myself falling into the same trap and I have an anxiety attack trying to figure out why. Just be yourself. If you wear your heart on your sleeve, then I'll pick it up and mend it when it breaks. And if you don't, I'll pinch your butt until I see a smile. Just relax and don't sweat the small stuff. And it's all small stuff.
It breaks my heart to see a friend hurting. I don't understand some of the stupid things that people do. Why intentionally hurt someone. If you make a mistake, admit it and move on. Stop dragging it through the mud. But to the person that got hurt. Wallow in it for a minute. Take it in and own it. Use it. Let it make you stronger. Learn from it. Put it up on the chalkboard as 1-0. And head back out a little wiser and better for it. It sucks!!! Yes it does, but in the end, you'll be better for it.
Personally, if there is something in your life you can learn from and use it to grow, go for it. The right thing is not always the easiest thing. The easiest thing isn't always the right thing. With a little temperance, love, compassion and understanding, you can mend. You will come through the fire better than when you went in and you may learn a thing or two about yourself in the process.
I love my life. I've learned a lot going through it. I have to remember to appreciate the ones that mean the most to me at times and to laugh in the face of adversity, but for the most part, I wouldn't trade it for the world. We are who we are due to the people in our lives.
I read somewhere once upon a time, that if someone makes eye contact with you, it's for a reason and you need to acknowledge them. Say hi. There is something that can be given to the other if we let down our barriers and open up to each other. Easier said than done in this day and age. But, there are times when I believe it and act on it. I've had great success with this and some really bad endings but it isn't about the outcome, it's about the journey. What have you learned from the experience and what can you pass on to the next person? It's actually a fun little game, but you have to stay open to the experience and not let yourself get closed off.
To people that are a part of your life everyday, it's a little different. We let so much of the past bog us down that we forget to live in the moment. These are the people we have to interact with everyday and if we can't be our self around them, then we really have a problem. It should be easier to interact with the people closest to us but most of the time they are the ones we shut down around. Why is this? My God, I love to have fun with people and act silly, so when I get upset or mad, everyone knows. But you know what, they leave me alone when I want to be alone and they pick me up when I need to be picked up. For the greater part of my life, I closed myself off and kept everything bottled up inside. It nearly drove me crazy. And there are times when I find myself falling into the same trap and I have an anxiety attack trying to figure out why. Just be yourself. If you wear your heart on your sleeve, then I'll pick it up and mend it when it breaks. And if you don't, I'll pinch your butt until I see a smile. Just relax and don't sweat the small stuff. And it's all small stuff.
It breaks my heart to see a friend hurting. I don't understand some of the stupid things that people do. Why intentionally hurt someone. If you make a mistake, admit it and move on. Stop dragging it through the mud. But to the person that got hurt. Wallow in it for a minute. Take it in and own it. Use it. Let it make you stronger. Learn from it. Put it up on the chalkboard as 1-0. And head back out a little wiser and better for it. It sucks!!! Yes it does, but in the end, you'll be better for it.
Personally, if there is something in your life you can learn from and use it to grow, go for it. The right thing is not always the easiest thing. The easiest thing isn't always the right thing. With a little temperance, love, compassion and understanding, you can mend. You will come through the fire better than when you went in and you may learn a thing or two about yourself in the process.
I love my life. I've learned a lot going through it. I have to remember to appreciate the ones that mean the most to me at times and to laugh in the face of adversity, but for the most part, I wouldn't trade it for the world. We are who we are due to the people in our lives.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Because I Knew You, I've Been Changed Forever
I drove to Jacksonville today for a very somberly sad occasion. My friend, and often father figure, passed away last week and today we said our farewells. As stories were told, I drifted back to a day many years ago and relived a story of my own.
Joe, Patti and Amy came into Outback one Sunday afternoon many, many years ago for dinner as they often did. Usually, they would sit and have dinner at the bar, but for some reason, this time, they sat in the dining room. I was off and just happened to be at the restaurant having a few beers, and a few more and some shots thrown in there too not an uncommon sight then). Anyway, I joined them for dinner and conversation ensued and it was going well. Now, for those of you who know Joe Okupski, there are not many things in this world that make him speechless. I am the bearer of one of those rare moments. His sons and I had been friends for a while and I just assumed that they had talked to him about me. Not true. So when I mentioned the fact that I was gay, I kept going with the conversation until I say his face. The look. The famous look. Wow!!
Now, I had been told stories of Joe by the boys, Chris and Ryan, and knew of his anger. I was afraid of what was going on in his mind. A few seconds passed and he stated, "I didn't know that". And that was the end of it.
Years went by, we grew closer and I often house sat and watched the dogs, Phoenix and Sedonna. More times than I cared for, he and Patti gave me shelter when I had none, was always there with a kind word and hearty laugh. He took me to Emerills in Miami once and I had duck. He thinks I don't remember, but I do. The Louis was great too but I don't remember much of the car ride home. We were friends. He never judged me. He knew my heart and my mind. I will miss him.
He would tell me later, that I changed the way he thought about homosexuals. And that he thought of me as a son. He came to my wedding in Key West and I could see the pride on his face when he saw how happy I was. I was happy he was there.
Several years later, I would see him only twice more: Once when I helped Amy move to Knoxville and again when Amy got married. The last time I saw him, I was afraid. My own father has been fighting Leukemia for about three years now and even though I knew Joe was sick, nothing could prepare me for what I saw when I got to the hotel. I didn't recognize him and all I could think of was my own father. All the fear of losing your parents flooded to my mind and it was paralyzing.
Joe walked Amy down the aisle and you could see the love and pride in his face. It was a great day. I'm glad he got to see that before he passed. Today I got say goodbye to a dear friend, but as I was taking a picture of the family, I got to see Joe one more time. He was present in the faces of his children and grandchildren. He filled the room with his strength, passion, dedication to family and friends and above all else, his love. He was a great story teller and now the stories will be told of him. What do you leave to your child when you're dead? Only whatever you put in their head.
So Joe, I can proudly say...Because I knew you, I've been changed forever.
Joe, Patti and Amy came into Outback one Sunday afternoon many, many years ago for dinner as they often did. Usually, they would sit and have dinner at the bar, but for some reason, this time, they sat in the dining room. I was off and just happened to be at the restaurant having a few beers, and a few more and some shots thrown in there too not an uncommon sight then). Anyway, I joined them for dinner and conversation ensued and it was going well. Now, for those of you who know Joe Okupski, there are not many things in this world that make him speechless. I am the bearer of one of those rare moments. His sons and I had been friends for a while and I just assumed that they had talked to him about me. Not true. So when I mentioned the fact that I was gay, I kept going with the conversation until I say his face. The look. The famous look. Wow!!
Now, I had been told stories of Joe by the boys, Chris and Ryan, and knew of his anger. I was afraid of what was going on in his mind. A few seconds passed and he stated, "I didn't know that". And that was the end of it.
Years went by, we grew closer and I often house sat and watched the dogs, Phoenix and Sedonna. More times than I cared for, he and Patti gave me shelter when I had none, was always there with a kind word and hearty laugh. He took me to Emerills in Miami once and I had duck. He thinks I don't remember, but I do. The Louis was great too but I don't remember much of the car ride home. We were friends. He never judged me. He knew my heart and my mind. I will miss him.
He would tell me later, that I changed the way he thought about homosexuals. And that he thought of me as a son. He came to my wedding in Key West and I could see the pride on his face when he saw how happy I was. I was happy he was there.
Several years later, I would see him only twice more: Once when I helped Amy move to Knoxville and again when Amy got married. The last time I saw him, I was afraid. My own father has been fighting Leukemia for about three years now and even though I knew Joe was sick, nothing could prepare me for what I saw when I got to the hotel. I didn't recognize him and all I could think of was my own father. All the fear of losing your parents flooded to my mind and it was paralyzing.
Joe walked Amy down the aisle and you could see the love and pride in his face. It was a great day. I'm glad he got to see that before he passed. Today I got say goodbye to a dear friend, but as I was taking a picture of the family, I got to see Joe one more time. He was present in the faces of his children and grandchildren. He filled the room with his strength, passion, dedication to family and friends and above all else, his love. He was a great story teller and now the stories will be told of him. What do you leave to your child when you're dead? Only whatever you put in their head.
So Joe, I can proudly say...Because I knew you, I've been changed forever.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Time Off
Hello Everybody,
I know it's been a while. Sorry about that. Life gets busy and as we all know, there are times we have to put some things on the side lines while we take care of the things that need more attention. With me, its been work. Now, let me restate something I've said in my blogs a few times: Nothing I say here is intended to hurt anyone. These are just my thoughts and my way of expressing how I feel. Do not take them personal.
Work has been the #1 thing in my life for a few months now (well, a little over a year). I've been working two jobs to make sure we maintain our lifestyle and to keep us afloat. The longer I keep working these hours, the more tired I get and when the choice comes down to writing a blog or getting a little extra sleep, I choose the sleep. Trust me, I'd rather be reading a book on the beach than working at the deli or outback. I'll trade places anytime. But that isn't my reality at the moment. I'm starting summer school in a few weeks. I've only got four pre-req classes left before I can apply to Nursing school and I want to get them done. I can't wait to start my clinicals and working with the patients.
The other day I get an e-mail from my Anatomy and Physiology teacher sent to all the students telling us that it has been his experience that students that take this course over the summer and work more than 20 hours a week tend to fall behind and end up failing or not doing very well. I work anywhere from 60 to 70 hours a week so this is going to be fun. I'm not really worried about it though. I know that I can do the work. My best half tells me all the time I'm the smartest dumb person he's ever known. Lol. The course work isn't going to be the hard part. I know that as long as I attend the lecture and do the in-class assignments, my retention is incredible and the book work comes easily. Now, staying awake in class might be a problem, but Monster makes a no-carb energy drink that I'll be buying by the case.
Plus, and this is the part I love, Chad has already said that he'd work some of my shifts at the deli so I don't have to stress myself out. I love this. He knows how important this is to me and, as I did for him, he's willing to make sacrifices so that I can attain the goals I set for myself. I love him for this (And a bunch of other things too). And that's what relationships are for. Making sacrifices for each other, doing things even when we don't want to, and supporting each other through the good times and the bad while forgiving the little things that really piss you off. Doing all these things now, so you can reap the rewards together later and have the life you always dreamed.
Now, I know it sounds like a lot. And it is. But it'll pay off in the long run. We're saving money for our house. We never go hungry or without the essentials. We both want nice things and vacations, but those will come in time. I truly believe that Chad will have the clientele and business that will let him have the lifestyle for us that he wants, while I work in a hospital and look forward to my retirement in 25 years (YIKES...I keep forgetting I'm almost 50) okay, 20 years to retirement. But until then, we keep on plugging away. We are fortunate to have his family close by to keep us grounded and while my family is a little further away, they are there to make us smile and are only a phone call away. So on May 8th, when classes start, I'll keep all this in mind while I look forward to August, the end of summer school, and some time off.
I know it's been a while. Sorry about that. Life gets busy and as we all know, there are times we have to put some things on the side lines while we take care of the things that need more attention. With me, its been work. Now, let me restate something I've said in my blogs a few times: Nothing I say here is intended to hurt anyone. These are just my thoughts and my way of expressing how I feel. Do not take them personal.
Work has been the #1 thing in my life for a few months now (well, a little over a year). I've been working two jobs to make sure we maintain our lifestyle and to keep us afloat. The longer I keep working these hours, the more tired I get and when the choice comes down to writing a blog or getting a little extra sleep, I choose the sleep. Trust me, I'd rather be reading a book on the beach than working at the deli or outback. I'll trade places anytime. But that isn't my reality at the moment. I'm starting summer school in a few weeks. I've only got four pre-req classes left before I can apply to Nursing school and I want to get them done. I can't wait to start my clinicals and working with the patients.
The other day I get an e-mail from my Anatomy and Physiology teacher sent to all the students telling us that it has been his experience that students that take this course over the summer and work more than 20 hours a week tend to fall behind and end up failing or not doing very well. I work anywhere from 60 to 70 hours a week so this is going to be fun. I'm not really worried about it though. I know that I can do the work. My best half tells me all the time I'm the smartest dumb person he's ever known. Lol. The course work isn't going to be the hard part. I know that as long as I attend the lecture and do the in-class assignments, my retention is incredible and the book work comes easily. Now, staying awake in class might be a problem, but Monster makes a no-carb energy drink that I'll be buying by the case.
Plus, and this is the part I love, Chad has already said that he'd work some of my shifts at the deli so I don't have to stress myself out. I love this. He knows how important this is to me and, as I did for him, he's willing to make sacrifices so that I can attain the goals I set for myself. I love him for this (And a bunch of other things too). And that's what relationships are for. Making sacrifices for each other, doing things even when we don't want to, and supporting each other through the good times and the bad while forgiving the little things that really piss you off. Doing all these things now, so you can reap the rewards together later and have the life you always dreamed.
Now, I know it sounds like a lot. And it is. But it'll pay off in the long run. We're saving money for our house. We never go hungry or without the essentials. We both want nice things and vacations, but those will come in time. I truly believe that Chad will have the clientele and business that will let him have the lifestyle for us that he wants, while I work in a hospital and look forward to my retirement in 25 years (YIKES...I keep forgetting I'm almost 50) okay, 20 years to retirement. But until then, we keep on plugging away. We are fortunate to have his family close by to keep us grounded and while my family is a little further away, they are there to make us smile and are only a phone call away. So on May 8th, when classes start, I'll keep all this in mind while I look forward to August, the end of summer school, and some time off.
Monday, October 15, 2012
In a New York minute
I just had one of the best weeks ever!!! I flew to NY for the wedding of the brother of my old roommate from Key West and my secret girlfriend-Angela. Yes, Allison's little brother Bobbie got married this weekend and I was proud that I got the chance to be here. By the way....it was nothing short of SPECTACULAR. A true New York wedding.
It started when Allison picked me up from the airport. She always does things with her own little pinch of the unexpected. She brought a pizza. It was fabulous. I love a great new york style pizza. Then off to the Outback of course. Not to eat, but work. She never stops.
Suse and Bobbie are the perfect couple (aside from me and Chad, of course). They complement each other so well. And Suse, nothing short of a saint. I'm frazzeled after just four days with the Storchevoy's and she married into the family. All in jest of course. I love this family. All of them. They truly know how to take you in and treat you like you've been a part of them forever. It's dizzying to say the least. But it was beautiful. More food than you could ever imagine, beer, wine, scotch, scotch scotch. How they love scotch. Every day was something new and one more morsel of great food to try that I've never had before. One thing about the New York Italian....they know their food and there is always plenty around.
I couldn't wait to get here and spend time with my extended family. The only thing missing was Chad. Because of jobs, it just wasn't feasible for both of us to come. So knowing that my girlfriend was here, he let me come to this event. I Thank You greatly for that. It meant the world to me. But I have to say, that several times throughout the night, I looked up and missed you dearly. I was waiting for the scene from "My Best Friends Wedding" to happen. Waiting for my phone to ring and it be you. We start talking and all the sudden I realize that you're pointing out things that you could only know if you were at the wedding. The crowd parts and there you are. Dressed and looking amazing. And then we dance the night away.
I always live in a fairy tale zone. You can never know when I'm in one, but its there. Why can't we have our fairy tales? It's the hope of something unexpected and wonderful that drives me toward the next moment and the next. Happiness is only a heart beat away. It is what we make of it. I'm happy in my life. Amazed at where I've come from a few short years ago. Blessed to have all the wonderful people in my life like the Storchevoys, the Fallons, and never least, the Crafts. As I'm sitting here waiting for Allison to get home, I realize that all we have is each other and all of it can be taken away from us. So, let's enjoy each other, the day, the year and the life because it can all be over in a New York Minute.
It started when Allison picked me up from the airport. She always does things with her own little pinch of the unexpected. She brought a pizza. It was fabulous. I love a great new york style pizza. Then off to the Outback of course. Not to eat, but work. She never stops.
Suse and Bobbie are the perfect couple (aside from me and Chad, of course). They complement each other so well. And Suse, nothing short of a saint. I'm frazzeled after just four days with the Storchevoy's and she married into the family. All in jest of course. I love this family. All of them. They truly know how to take you in and treat you like you've been a part of them forever. It's dizzying to say the least. But it was beautiful. More food than you could ever imagine, beer, wine, scotch, scotch scotch. How they love scotch. Every day was something new and one more morsel of great food to try that I've never had before. One thing about the New York Italian....they know their food and there is always plenty around.
I couldn't wait to get here and spend time with my extended family. The only thing missing was Chad. Because of jobs, it just wasn't feasible for both of us to come. So knowing that my girlfriend was here, he let me come to this event. I Thank You greatly for that. It meant the world to me. But I have to say, that several times throughout the night, I looked up and missed you dearly. I was waiting for the scene from "My Best Friends Wedding" to happen. Waiting for my phone to ring and it be you. We start talking and all the sudden I realize that you're pointing out things that you could only know if you were at the wedding. The crowd parts and there you are. Dressed and looking amazing. And then we dance the night away.
I always live in a fairy tale zone. You can never know when I'm in one, but its there. Why can't we have our fairy tales? It's the hope of something unexpected and wonderful that drives me toward the next moment and the next. Happiness is only a heart beat away. It is what we make of it. I'm happy in my life. Amazed at where I've come from a few short years ago. Blessed to have all the wonderful people in my life like the Storchevoys, the Fallons, and never least, the Crafts. As I'm sitting here waiting for Allison to get home, I realize that all we have is each other and all of it can be taken away from us. So, let's enjoy each other, the day, the year and the life because it can all be over in a New York Minute.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Almost 50
It's three in the morning and I can't sleep. Nothing unusual. It happens all the time. Chad is snoring and occasionally will grunt because his feet can't touch mine, but, he'll keep on snoring and not remember a thing in the morning. I guess the reason for my restlessness this particular morning is that my birthday is coming up on Wednesday. I'll turn the ripe young age of 46. No big deal right? Wrong!!
Just yesterday, I was 25. Running around having a great time, living life to the fullest without a care in the world. Today, well, in two days, I'll be 4 years from 50. 50!!! My God, when did this happen. I've never really cared about my age. I've always looked younger than I really am and led my life without care of my age, but now??!!! Why is it that now I look in the mirror and see that I've wasted part of my life and the questions of things I would have done over seem to loom over my head? I mean, I 've seen more and done more than some people will ever have done in their entire lifetime and I still have plenty of life left in me, but now I see those little hairs growing in my ears, all the grey hair in my temples and the aches and pains of working two jobs taking their toll on me faster and faster. Recovery isn't what it used to be and even though I don't drink anymore, half the time I feel like I've been on a three day bender and just want to hide away from the world and not move for a whole day. OUCH!!!
I have seen the Berlin Wall before it came down. Been to the top of the Swiss/Italian Alps and been on a gondola ride on the waterways in Venice. I've seen Ayers Rock and been to the top of the Eiffel Tower. Twice. I've seen the waves crash on the north shore of Hawai'i, jumped from an airplane and ridden in a tank. I've sat on a rock in Gibraltar and smelled the spices on the air as it crossed the straits from Morocco. Vegas is one of my favorite cities and standing on the Hoover Dam still gives me the chills. LA isn't all it's cracked up to be and anyone that doesn't cry at Arlington Cemetery or the Vietnam Memorial in DC is an alien. Did you know it's a 24 hour train ride from Amsterdam to Madrid and one of the funniest things I've ever seen/heard is the original Dracula movie in Spanish with English subtitles. I don't know why, it just is. And if you ever get the chance to live in Key West, do it. It will change your life.
But yet, I want more. All of those things were great and I'll never forget them or all the things I didn't mention, but now that I have someone in my life, I want to do them all again and show him why they mean so much to me and then create new memories of different places with him. We have plans to travel and now that he is finished with school and starting his career, that goal isn't that far away. I've got a lot to look forward to. And even though life is a little rough right now, I've got to focus on the best parts of it. We are surrounded by incredible family and friends. And now that we don't live in Orlando anymore and I'm not feeling choked by the unfriendliness of it, I feel better than I have in a long time. I really like this new chapter in my life and look forward to getting settled into it.
So, although life moves on and it's marching across my face, it's important to stay young in spirit and in heart. I always have and hope I always will. I guess it's good to reflect on your life and hone your focus on where you want to go and what you need to do to get there. I just need to say to myself that everything is okay and who cares if your almost 50.
Just yesterday, I was 25. Running around having a great time, living life to the fullest without a care in the world. Today, well, in two days, I'll be 4 years from 50. 50!!! My God, when did this happen. I've never really cared about my age. I've always looked younger than I really am and led my life without care of my age, but now??!!! Why is it that now I look in the mirror and see that I've wasted part of my life and the questions of things I would have done over seem to loom over my head? I mean, I 've seen more and done more than some people will ever have done in their entire lifetime and I still have plenty of life left in me, but now I see those little hairs growing in my ears, all the grey hair in my temples and the aches and pains of working two jobs taking their toll on me faster and faster. Recovery isn't what it used to be and even though I don't drink anymore, half the time I feel like I've been on a three day bender and just want to hide away from the world and not move for a whole day. OUCH!!!
I have seen the Berlin Wall before it came down. Been to the top of the Swiss/Italian Alps and been on a gondola ride on the waterways in Venice. I've seen Ayers Rock and been to the top of the Eiffel Tower. Twice. I've seen the waves crash on the north shore of Hawai'i, jumped from an airplane and ridden in a tank. I've sat on a rock in Gibraltar and smelled the spices on the air as it crossed the straits from Morocco. Vegas is one of my favorite cities and standing on the Hoover Dam still gives me the chills. LA isn't all it's cracked up to be and anyone that doesn't cry at Arlington Cemetery or the Vietnam Memorial in DC is an alien. Did you know it's a 24 hour train ride from Amsterdam to Madrid and one of the funniest things I've ever seen/heard is the original Dracula movie in Spanish with English subtitles. I don't know why, it just is. And if you ever get the chance to live in Key West, do it. It will change your life.
But yet, I want more. All of those things were great and I'll never forget them or all the things I didn't mention, but now that I have someone in my life, I want to do them all again and show him why they mean so much to me and then create new memories of different places with him. We have plans to travel and now that he is finished with school and starting his career, that goal isn't that far away. I've got a lot to look forward to. And even though life is a little rough right now, I've got to focus on the best parts of it. We are surrounded by incredible family and friends. And now that we don't live in Orlando anymore and I'm not feeling choked by the unfriendliness of it, I feel better than I have in a long time. I really like this new chapter in my life and look forward to getting settled into it.
So, although life moves on and it's marching across my face, it's important to stay young in spirit and in heart. I always have and hope I always will. I guess it's good to reflect on your life and hone your focus on where you want to go and what you need to do to get there. I just need to say to myself that everything is okay and who cares if your almost 50.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
No One Said It Would Be Easy
I've started several blogs over the past month and haven't finished a one. I always seem to have a great topic when I start and then I lose enthusiasm and forget my train of thought. Why is that? There was a time when I could write for hours and never run out of things to say. Now, there is just so much going on in my head and so much I would like to write about, but never seem to have the time or energy.
I think one of the biggest things that holds me back is that I'm afraid of saying something that will hurt someone's feelings. The whole point of the blog was for me to get all the things I keep bottled up inside me out. Since I was a child, I've always had trouble saying what's on my mind, or speaking up when spoken to. Once again, fear ran my life.
I talked to my dad today. I finally told him that I was sorry for not being the son he deserved in my younger years and now that I've stopped drinking, it has been on my mind a lot of how badly I treated him and my immediate family. He said to me "I couldv'e been a lot worse" and "I wasn't that bad". He understood that I was going through a lot and didn't feel like I could talk to anyone. So, there it is. We are okay and I got to say the things I wanted to say to him. By the way, he's doing much better. He says he has more energy every day and that all his latest tests have come back great with no signs of the cancer. He's optimistic and hoping for the best. Me too.
The one thing he told me was to keep going in school and to keep trying my best. He has the upmost faith in me and knows that Chad and I will find happiness and can't wait for us to come home and see him. Takes a lot off my mind.
Lately, It's like I've been waiting for a bomb to drop. Things seem to be going great. Money is a little tight and that always causes stress, but I see that coming to an end. Chad only has about six weeks of school left and then he can concentrate more on getting a job in a salon and I can spend more time in school. Just a couple of years and I'll be done and we can do all the things we want to do: travel, vacation, have our dream cars and house. Can't wait. Just a few hurdles to overcome and all can be ours. I know it's cliche, but its true....No one ever said it would be easy.
I think one of the biggest things that holds me back is that I'm afraid of saying something that will hurt someone's feelings. The whole point of the blog was for me to get all the things I keep bottled up inside me out. Since I was a child, I've always had trouble saying what's on my mind, or speaking up when spoken to. Once again, fear ran my life.
I talked to my dad today. I finally told him that I was sorry for not being the son he deserved in my younger years and now that I've stopped drinking, it has been on my mind a lot of how badly I treated him and my immediate family. He said to me "I couldv'e been a lot worse" and "I wasn't that bad". He understood that I was going through a lot and didn't feel like I could talk to anyone. So, there it is. We are okay and I got to say the things I wanted to say to him. By the way, he's doing much better. He says he has more energy every day and that all his latest tests have come back great with no signs of the cancer. He's optimistic and hoping for the best. Me too.
The one thing he told me was to keep going in school and to keep trying my best. He has the upmost faith in me and knows that Chad and I will find happiness and can't wait for us to come home and see him. Takes a lot off my mind.
Lately, It's like I've been waiting for a bomb to drop. Things seem to be going great. Money is a little tight and that always causes stress, but I see that coming to an end. Chad only has about six weeks of school left and then he can concentrate more on getting a job in a salon and I can spend more time in school. Just a couple of years and I'll be done and we can do all the things we want to do: travel, vacation, have our dream cars and house. Can't wait. Just a few hurdles to overcome and all can be ours. I know it's cliche, but its true....No one ever said it would be easy.
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