I Miss Him

I miss him.  I know we haven't ever been that close, but I miss him.  I tried to get here in time.  Did things driving that I look back on now and say, "Wow....Chad would be yelling at me for that!"  I don't feel like being funny and actually part of me doesn't even want to be here.  But I have to be.  My father died. 
I don't know what to feel yet and I haven't broken down.  But I know it's coming.  Funny thing is I've known for a long time this was coming and you think you'd be prepared for it...but you're just not.  All the things that needed to be said, and I know he knows, but I still wanted to say them.  All the things that I wanted to apologize for...but he already forgave me for...but still needed to say.  It's all here.  I'll get my chance.  I know.  But still I miss him.
It isn't that we were really close either, but just the comfort of knowing he was there.  He always had a way of switching our conversation over to the weather and I knew this was his polite way of saying, "Ok, time to go".  Drove me crazy, but I laugh at it now.  He taught me so many things, and I'm sorry that I wasn't the son he deserved when I was younger, but I know he was proud of the man I turned out to be.  He did his best and I know that.  But still...I will miss him. 
I knew was gone.  I just passed Atlanta and a song came on the radio and suddenly I was filled with joy and grief all at the same time and something inside me said, I was to late.  Then calmness...and the realization that what was meant to be was meant to be and I still had to make this journey.  For my family....for my father, my grandparents.....for all the Craft's and Brown's that have left this realm and entered the next.  Mainly for me.
There isn't much to say or do...just being there. All I know is...I miss him.