It's three in the morning and I can't sleep. Nothing unusual. It happens all the time. Chad is snoring and occasionally will grunt because his feet can't touch mine, but, he'll keep on snoring and not remember a thing in the morning. I guess the reason for my restlessness this particular morning is that my birthday is coming up on Wednesday. I'll turn the ripe young age of 46. No big deal right? Wrong!!
Just yesterday, I was 25. Running around having a great time, living life to the fullest without a care in the world. Today, well, in two days, I'll be 4 years from 50. 50!!! My God, when did this happen. I've never really cared about my age. I've always looked younger than I really am and led my life without care of my age, but now??!!! Why is it that now I look in the mirror and see that I've wasted part of my life and the questions of things I would have done over seem to loom over my head? I mean, I 've seen more and done more than some people will ever have done in their entire lifetime and I still have plenty of life left in me, but now I see those little hairs growing in my ears, all the grey hair in my temples and the aches and pains of working two jobs taking their toll on me faster and faster. Recovery isn't what it used to be and even though I don't drink anymore, half the time I feel like I've been on a three day bender and just want to hide away from the world and not move for a whole day. OUCH!!!
I have seen the Berlin Wall before it came down. Been to the top of the Swiss/Italian Alps and been on a gondola ride on the waterways in Venice. I've seen Ayers Rock and been to the top of the Eiffel Tower. Twice. I've seen the waves crash on the north shore of Hawai'i, jumped from an airplane and ridden in a tank. I've sat on a rock in Gibraltar and smelled the spices on the air as it crossed the straits from Morocco. Vegas is one of my favorite cities and standing on the Hoover Dam still gives me the chills. LA isn't all it's cracked up to be and anyone that doesn't cry at Arlington Cemetery or the Vietnam Memorial in DC is an alien. Did you know it's a 24 hour train ride from Amsterdam to Madrid and one of the funniest things I've ever seen/heard is the original Dracula movie in Spanish with English subtitles. I don't know why, it just is. And if you ever get the chance to live in Key West, do it. It will change your life.
But yet, I want more. All of those things were great and I'll never forget them or all the things I didn't mention, but now that I have someone in my life, I want to do them all again and show him why they mean so much to me and then create new memories of different places with him. We have plans to travel and now that he is finished with school and starting his career, that goal isn't that far away. I've got a lot to look forward to. And even though life is a little rough right now, I've got to focus on the best parts of it. We are surrounded by incredible family and friends. And now that we don't live in Orlando anymore and I'm not feeling choked by the unfriendliness of it, I feel better than I have in a long time. I really like this new chapter in my life and look forward to getting settled into it.
So, although life moves on and it's marching across my face, it's important to stay young in spirit and in heart. I always have and hope I always will. I guess it's good to reflect on your life and hone your focus on where you want to go and what you need to do to get there. I just need to say to myself that everything is okay and who cares if your almost 50.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
No One Said It Would Be Easy
I've started several blogs over the past month and haven't finished a one. I always seem to have a great topic when I start and then I lose enthusiasm and forget my train of thought. Why is that? There was a time when I could write for hours and never run out of things to say. Now, there is just so much going on in my head and so much I would like to write about, but never seem to have the time or energy.
I think one of the biggest things that holds me back is that I'm afraid of saying something that will hurt someone's feelings. The whole point of the blog was for me to get all the things I keep bottled up inside me out. Since I was a child, I've always had trouble saying what's on my mind, or speaking up when spoken to. Once again, fear ran my life.
I talked to my dad today. I finally told him that I was sorry for not being the son he deserved in my younger years and now that I've stopped drinking, it has been on my mind a lot of how badly I treated him and my immediate family. He said to me "I couldv'e been a lot worse" and "I wasn't that bad". He understood that I was going through a lot and didn't feel like I could talk to anyone. So, there it is. We are okay and I got to say the things I wanted to say to him. By the way, he's doing much better. He says he has more energy every day and that all his latest tests have come back great with no signs of the cancer. He's optimistic and hoping for the best. Me too.
The one thing he told me was to keep going in school and to keep trying my best. He has the upmost faith in me and knows that Chad and I will find happiness and can't wait for us to come home and see him. Takes a lot off my mind.
Lately, It's like I've been waiting for a bomb to drop. Things seem to be going great. Money is a little tight and that always causes stress, but I see that coming to an end. Chad only has about six weeks of school left and then he can concentrate more on getting a job in a salon and I can spend more time in school. Just a couple of years and I'll be done and we can do all the things we want to do: travel, vacation, have our dream cars and house. Can't wait. Just a few hurdles to overcome and all can be ours. I know it's cliche, but its true....No one ever said it would be easy.
I think one of the biggest things that holds me back is that I'm afraid of saying something that will hurt someone's feelings. The whole point of the blog was for me to get all the things I keep bottled up inside me out. Since I was a child, I've always had trouble saying what's on my mind, or speaking up when spoken to. Once again, fear ran my life.
I talked to my dad today. I finally told him that I was sorry for not being the son he deserved in my younger years and now that I've stopped drinking, it has been on my mind a lot of how badly I treated him and my immediate family. He said to me "I couldv'e been a lot worse" and "I wasn't that bad". He understood that I was going through a lot and didn't feel like I could talk to anyone. So, there it is. We are okay and I got to say the things I wanted to say to him. By the way, he's doing much better. He says he has more energy every day and that all his latest tests have come back great with no signs of the cancer. He's optimistic and hoping for the best. Me too.
The one thing he told me was to keep going in school and to keep trying my best. He has the upmost faith in me and knows that Chad and I will find happiness and can't wait for us to come home and see him. Takes a lot off my mind.
Lately, It's like I've been waiting for a bomb to drop. Things seem to be going great. Money is a little tight and that always causes stress, but I see that coming to an end. Chad only has about six weeks of school left and then he can concentrate more on getting a job in a salon and I can spend more time in school. Just a couple of years and I'll be done and we can do all the things we want to do: travel, vacation, have our dream cars and house. Can't wait. Just a few hurdles to overcome and all can be ours. I know it's cliche, but its true....No one ever said it would be easy.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Dad
I've been thinking a lot about my father lately. As some of you may know, he's been fighting leukemia since September. He seems to be okay now. Still going through outpatient chemotherapy, but his, white blood count is up and seems to be doing better everyday. It was touch and go there for a while and I even got to see him on my birthday weekend. He was still in the hospital undergoing his first round of chemo, but I hope that my visit gave him comfort. It did for me.
What's been making me think about him even more than I already do, is a horoscope that came my way via facebook. To paraphrase, "You will come into a large inheritance this year." Wow...kinda scary. It's enough that I have to live with the fact that I may lose my dad sooner than I thought I would, but then to have it spit in my face over facebook is something else all together. Now, I don't put much stock in horoscopes, but Jesus Christ, please, enough is enough.
So what have I been thinking about? Well...I blamed him for a lot of things that went wrong in my life. I shouldn't have, but I did. I blamed him for being alone all the time. There were three siblings in my family and I was the youngest. Whenever Dad would do things with the kids, I was always last and never got as much time or attention as my sister and brother. For instance, he owned a motorcycle and would sometimes give us rides. Well, when it came my turn, it was always shorter and sometimes not at all.
When my parents divorced, I chose to live with my Dad. In my mind, it was a chance to get closer to him. To finally get the love and attention that I so wanted and needed. It turned out to backfire in my face. I was told that I would get myself up and ready for school. If I wanted breakfast then I would make my own. The school bus wouldn't stop at our apartment so it was up to me to get there on my own. No big deal since we lived less than a mile from the house, but when it rained.... well, I got wet. Very wet. When we talked about it, he said I should make friends that would pick me up or give me a ride. Sure...easy...no way! I was the new kid. Straight out of Kentucky and shy. So shy. It took me half a year to make a friend and that was only because I was in the band. Still alone.
I started drinking in high school. Senior year. Found out that I could kill most of the pain and anger of being gay and awkward. Also worked to mask the frustration that I so eagerly wanted the affection of my father and knew I would never get it. It wasn't easy going through life so early knowing I didn't have a chance because I would always be afraid to stand up to the one man I needed more in my life than anyone else.
So when the opportunity arose, I got out. Not without making a fool of myself and without hurting him more than I ever wanted to. No one deserves what I did to him. He didn't deserve it. All he ever tried to do was make me strong and independent. Responsible. And I threw it all back in his face. Not much of a man or a son.
When he came to my wedding, it was one of the happiest days of my life. I had been sober for little over a year and seeing him made a lot of things come together. But still I let fear run my life. I've been trying to write him a letter to explain things. To let him know I love him and don't blame him anymore. That everything that happened was my fault. I'm stronger now and well on my way to being a person, son, that he can be proud of. He can't die yet. I need to tell him how I feel and how much I'm sorry. How I know he did everything in his power to provide for his family and that he did the best he could do when it came to me. I fell short. Didn't see that he was trying to teach me lessons in life to make me survive. But I did. He made me strong in a lot of ways. I am independent and can cope with a lot of things that would make some people cry. I've traveled and seen more of the world than most people ever will. I am the man I am today because of him, not in spite of him. And I thank you, Dad, for making me this way.
I pray that one day I find the strength to face my fear and tell you all this. And I pray that it isn't to late. Please don't die before I have the chance to say "Thank you" and "I love you".
What's been making me think about him even more than I already do, is a horoscope that came my way via facebook. To paraphrase, "You will come into a large inheritance this year." Wow...kinda scary. It's enough that I have to live with the fact that I may lose my dad sooner than I thought I would, but then to have it spit in my face over facebook is something else all together. Now, I don't put much stock in horoscopes, but Jesus Christ, please, enough is enough.
So what have I been thinking about? Well...I blamed him for a lot of things that went wrong in my life. I shouldn't have, but I did. I blamed him for being alone all the time. There were three siblings in my family and I was the youngest. Whenever Dad would do things with the kids, I was always last and never got as much time or attention as my sister and brother. For instance, he owned a motorcycle and would sometimes give us rides. Well, when it came my turn, it was always shorter and sometimes not at all.
When my parents divorced, I chose to live with my Dad. In my mind, it was a chance to get closer to him. To finally get the love and attention that I so wanted and needed. It turned out to backfire in my face. I was told that I would get myself up and ready for school. If I wanted breakfast then I would make my own. The school bus wouldn't stop at our apartment so it was up to me to get there on my own. No big deal since we lived less than a mile from the house, but when it rained.... well, I got wet. Very wet. When we talked about it, he said I should make friends that would pick me up or give me a ride. Sure...easy...no way! I was the new kid. Straight out of Kentucky and shy. So shy. It took me half a year to make a friend and that was only because I was in the band. Still alone.
I started drinking in high school. Senior year. Found out that I could kill most of the pain and anger of being gay and awkward. Also worked to mask the frustration that I so eagerly wanted the affection of my father and knew I would never get it. It wasn't easy going through life so early knowing I didn't have a chance because I would always be afraid to stand up to the one man I needed more in my life than anyone else.
So when the opportunity arose, I got out. Not without making a fool of myself and without hurting him more than I ever wanted to. No one deserves what I did to him. He didn't deserve it. All he ever tried to do was make me strong and independent. Responsible. And I threw it all back in his face. Not much of a man or a son.
When he came to my wedding, it was one of the happiest days of my life. I had been sober for little over a year and seeing him made a lot of things come together. But still I let fear run my life. I've been trying to write him a letter to explain things. To let him know I love him and don't blame him anymore. That everything that happened was my fault. I'm stronger now and well on my way to being a person, son, that he can be proud of. He can't die yet. I need to tell him how I feel and how much I'm sorry. How I know he did everything in his power to provide for his family and that he did the best he could do when it came to me. I fell short. Didn't see that he was trying to teach me lessons in life to make me survive. But I did. He made me strong in a lot of ways. I am independent and can cope with a lot of things that would make some people cry. I've traveled and seen more of the world than most people ever will. I am the man I am today because of him, not in spite of him. And I thank you, Dad, for making me this way.
I pray that one day I find the strength to face my fear and tell you all this. And I pray that it isn't to late. Please don't die before I have the chance to say "Thank you" and "I love you".
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Moment of Bliss
Around 6:30 this morning, I was awoken by the usual lick across the face. No, not from Chad, but from my Rottie/Lab Bare. Time for his morning stroll. After we came back in, I let him - or he told me - that he was gonna lay down on the bed with me and Chad. This is all good since we slept most of the night and I knew that he wouldn't stay there long as he likes to be a little rambuncsous early in the morning.
What I did get though, was about a half hour of bliss. That one little moment in time when everything seemed to be perfect in the world. Just before the reality of life hits, when all seems perfect. Here I was, laying in bed with my three boys. Percy (the smallest doggie) curled up behind my knees; Bare was being my little spoon; and Chad...laying across from me with his cute little face (I love the way his mouth is open a little when he sleeps). For as long as I could hold it - perfection was mine. Quite in the house with only the noise of a few cars on the street and a slight chill in the air. Loved it.
Then....Bare yawns, Percy moves and Chad lets out a little discontent from the noise and it's back to reality. Oh well, it'll happen again. That's why I like the early mornings. I get my cocoa, do a little reading and praying, and find my one, little, hopeful, moment of bliss.
What I did get though, was about a half hour of bliss. That one little moment in time when everything seemed to be perfect in the world. Just before the reality of life hits, when all seems perfect. Here I was, laying in bed with my three boys. Percy (the smallest doggie) curled up behind my knees; Bare was being my little spoon; and Chad...laying across from me with his cute little face (I love the way his mouth is open a little when he sleeps). For as long as I could hold it - perfection was mine. Quite in the house with only the noise of a few cars on the street and a slight chill in the air. Loved it.
Then....Bare yawns, Percy moves and Chad lets out a little discontent from the noise and it's back to reality. Oh well, it'll happen again. That's why I like the early mornings. I get my cocoa, do a little reading and praying, and find my one, little, hopeful, moment of bliss.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wee Early Hours of the Morn
Sometimes I like getting up while it's still dark outside. It's nice to have the peace and quiet. Chad's asleep and the dogs are either outside or laying next to me on the couch. But, it's relaxing and it's my time to play my games on the computer, catch up on homework or just watch a little TV. The point is...its my time. Although the thought of having to work later creeps into my head, I've got this little bit of me time that helps relax things.
We are all so busy. I was lying in bed a few minutes ago thinking (which usually gets me in trouble) that by the time I finish school I'll be almost 50. Still young, I know, but I can't help but let the thoughts in that no one is going to hire me at that age. But then I remind myself, that I've got a lot more going on than my age. I'm a hard worker with a great attitude and most of the time people think I'm really younger than I am (wonder how much longer I can pull that one off). So, I put those thoughts right out of my head.
I was talking to a friend at work last night and she was telling me about their night out. I looked at her and said, "I wish you guys would tell me when you're going out. I'd like to hang with you sometimes." Don't know where that came from, but I do miss going out with my co-workers and relaxing after work. Then I think, where in the hell am I gonna find time for that. I get up, usually around 7:30. Do some things around the house, try to study a little and then go to school. If I don't have to work that day, I come home and try to relax, watch a little TV, clean the house, do laundry. If I don't have school, I usually work a double. I'm tired people!!!! And I'm complaining about not hanging out after work anymore. I'm crazy.
I think it all comes from the fact that I used to be the ringleader of the drink all nighters and lets go, go, go!!! I don't miss those day at all. What I do miss is the comraderie that was developed between me and the rest of the staff. I was a part of them and they a part of me. I still feel this to an extent, but as to where my focus used to be Outback, Outback, Outback, it has now shifted to taking care of my family, trying to provide for our future and wanting more things than I would have ever wanted three years ago.
Thanksgiving is coming up and I have a lot to be thankful for. I just passed the 2 1/2 year mark for my sobriety. And, things have changed for the better so much. Yes, new things are springing up that try to keep me from my path, but I have the love of a strong man that keeps me grounded. He helps to remind me that I didn't do this on my own, and that maybe I've let the things that started me on the road to recovery slide a little bit. That I need to get back to basics. I keep making excuses, "I don't have the time" or "I'm tired". But the simple fact is (thanks for this one Haig), I'm scared. I've let fear rule my entire life. No matter how much I've accomplished or how far I think I've gone, I still let fear dictate some of my actions.
So back to basics it is. I need to start going to meetings again and giving back to the one thing that got me this far in the first place. I've lost my humbleness. I think I can do it all, and I can, but I need to remember to talk to about it first. So, get on my knees and pray, first thing, in the wee early hours of the morn.
We are all so busy. I was lying in bed a few minutes ago thinking (which usually gets me in trouble) that by the time I finish school I'll be almost 50. Still young, I know, but I can't help but let the thoughts in that no one is going to hire me at that age. But then I remind myself, that I've got a lot more going on than my age. I'm a hard worker with a great attitude and most of the time people think I'm really younger than I am (wonder how much longer I can pull that one off). So, I put those thoughts right out of my head.
I was talking to a friend at work last night and she was telling me about their night out. I looked at her and said, "I wish you guys would tell me when you're going out. I'd like to hang with you sometimes." Don't know where that came from, but I do miss going out with my co-workers and relaxing after work. Then I think, where in the hell am I gonna find time for that. I get up, usually around 7:30. Do some things around the house, try to study a little and then go to school. If I don't have to work that day, I come home and try to relax, watch a little TV, clean the house, do laundry. If I don't have school, I usually work a double. I'm tired people!!!! And I'm complaining about not hanging out after work anymore. I'm crazy.
I think it all comes from the fact that I used to be the ringleader of the drink all nighters and lets go, go, go!!! I don't miss those day at all. What I do miss is the comraderie that was developed between me and the rest of the staff. I was a part of them and they a part of me. I still feel this to an extent, but as to where my focus used to be Outback, Outback, Outback, it has now shifted to taking care of my family, trying to provide for our future and wanting more things than I would have ever wanted three years ago.
Thanksgiving is coming up and I have a lot to be thankful for. I just passed the 2 1/2 year mark for my sobriety. And, things have changed for the better so much. Yes, new things are springing up that try to keep me from my path, but I have the love of a strong man that keeps me grounded. He helps to remind me that I didn't do this on my own, and that maybe I've let the things that started me on the road to recovery slide a little bit. That I need to get back to basics. I keep making excuses, "I don't have the time" or "I'm tired". But the simple fact is (thanks for this one Haig), I'm scared. I've let fear rule my entire life. No matter how much I've accomplished or how far I think I've gone, I still let fear dictate some of my actions.
So back to basics it is. I need to start going to meetings again and giving back to the one thing that got me this far in the first place. I've lost my humbleness. I think I can do it all, and I can, but I need to remember to talk to about it first. So, get on my knees and pray, first thing, in the wee early hours of the morn.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Ohana
I'm feeling very sentimental today. Not only is it my birthday (thank you everyone for the warm wishes), but it is also the day my loving husband proposed to me. It was two years ago today that I said, "Yes, I will marry you!" We've had our share of ups and downs, but I wouldn't give it up for the world. The things I've gotten from our bond are way more important to me than the things I had without. I love you Chad and can't wait for the rest of our lives to unfold. I feel a great many things are in store for us and it can only get better.
Today I've also been spending a lot of time in reflection over the past weekend. This past weekend I spent a lot of time with family. I helped my sister, Amy, move from Orlando to Knoxville and had a blast. It was great taking a road trip with her. She had never been on one before and it was great. Especially once we got into the mountains. The expressions on her face were priceless. But it was equally awesome to see the way she looked at the majesty of the mountains and trees with their brightly colored leaves. It's always an eye opener when you experience life through a different set of eyes.
I also took this trip to Tennessee to see my dad. As some of you may know, a few weeks ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia. It's been a very stressful and worrisome couple of weeks. I have to admit that when I saw him in the hospital, he looked better than I expected. Outside of a little hair loss, weight loss and being tired, he was still my dad. It was a little disconcerting to see him in that setting, but he looked good. We got good and bad news on Saturday. An early morning phone call from my step-mom told us that he was running a fever of 102. By early afternoon, the fever had broken and I went to see him. He was in good spirits and the doctor had just told him that his bone marrow test came back great and that there weren't any leukemia cells present. AWESOME!!!! He would have to stay in the hospital till his white blood cell count came back up and he regained his strength, but for the time being, he was out of the woods. The chemo had worked and now he would just have to have chemo on an outpatient basis after his release. Looks good.
I got to spend time with my brother and older sister, and even though we hadn't seen each other in a long time, we fell back into the same click that we always had. My sister the clown, my brother the serious one and me: the ever changing one. But for the first time in a long time I felt comfortable. I was me. I didn't have to try to be someone else or feel like I needed to hide anything. It didn't bother me, to just be me. And I feel great about that.
On the way to the airport that Sunday, I looked out the window at the East Tennessee countryside and for the first time ever after a visit, I wanted to stay. I wasn't bothered by the memories of all the bad things I had been through there and inflicted upon everyone else. I was able to think of the possibilities of what can come. What new future might develop and that I felt welcome to come back there at any time. I was free of the past and ready to move forward into a great tomorrow.
So....Chad, Amy, Joshua, Mike, Dawn, Mom, Dad, Connie, Courtney, Haig and all the other members of my family....immediate and extended, the Hawaiian/Samoan culture has a word for family that means all that touch and are meaningful in your life....Ohana. I love you all.
Today I've also been spending a lot of time in reflection over the past weekend. This past weekend I spent a lot of time with family. I helped my sister, Amy, move from Orlando to Knoxville and had a blast. It was great taking a road trip with her. She had never been on one before and it was great. Especially once we got into the mountains. The expressions on her face were priceless. But it was equally awesome to see the way she looked at the majesty of the mountains and trees with their brightly colored leaves. It's always an eye opener when you experience life through a different set of eyes.
I also took this trip to Tennessee to see my dad. As some of you may know, a few weeks ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia. It's been a very stressful and worrisome couple of weeks. I have to admit that when I saw him in the hospital, he looked better than I expected. Outside of a little hair loss, weight loss and being tired, he was still my dad. It was a little disconcerting to see him in that setting, but he looked good. We got good and bad news on Saturday. An early morning phone call from my step-mom told us that he was running a fever of 102. By early afternoon, the fever had broken and I went to see him. He was in good spirits and the doctor had just told him that his bone marrow test came back great and that there weren't any leukemia cells present. AWESOME!!!! He would have to stay in the hospital till his white blood cell count came back up and he regained his strength, but for the time being, he was out of the woods. The chemo had worked and now he would just have to have chemo on an outpatient basis after his release. Looks good.
I got to spend time with my brother and older sister, and even though we hadn't seen each other in a long time, we fell back into the same click that we always had. My sister the clown, my brother the serious one and me: the ever changing one. But for the first time in a long time I felt comfortable. I was me. I didn't have to try to be someone else or feel like I needed to hide anything. It didn't bother me, to just be me. And I feel great about that.
On the way to the airport that Sunday, I looked out the window at the East Tennessee countryside and for the first time ever after a visit, I wanted to stay. I wasn't bothered by the memories of all the bad things I had been through there and inflicted upon everyone else. I was able to think of the possibilities of what can come. What new future might develop and that I felt welcome to come back there at any time. I was free of the past and ready to move forward into a great tomorrow.
So....Chad, Amy, Joshua, Mike, Dawn, Mom, Dad, Connie, Courtney, Haig and all the other members of my family....immediate and extended, the Hawaiian/Samoan culture has a word for family that means all that touch and are meaningful in your life....Ohana. I love you all.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Hurricanes
It's funny how life sometimes mimics our surroundings. We have all experienced, in some fashion, the effects of Hurricane Irene over the past week. During that week, it felt like my own life the eye of the hurricane. Everything from school, work, relationship and family seemed to be in this great vortex sucking the very marrow from my bones.
Wow...dramatic huh??!!!! That's how it's been feeling. Very dramatic. Let's start with school. I talked to my nursing director about how I had planned out my nursing school career and she agreed with my timeline. The thing that sucked about it was how long I would have to wait after finishing my last pre-requisite before actually starting the program. As long as up to a year. The one good thing we did discuss (if you want to call it good) is that I qualify for a concurrent program where I can finish my AS and BS in Nursing at the same time. It will knock a year off me getting my Bachelor's degree. No problem. YEAH PROBLEM!!!!! It basically means that I have to take two classes from UCF at the same time I'm taking two from SSC. 13 credits a semester instead of 7. For anyone that knows nursing, that's a considerable amount more. Lecture in the morning, lab in the afternoon, and clinicals in the evening. Or anyway they want us to do them. Even on Saturday's. It's okay except that I wont be able to work at all.
That's where the relationship part comes in. Chad is already under a lot of stress. He found out he can graduate in December if he keeps applying himself the way he has. Shouldn't be a problem. Finish school, start work in a salon to get experience while still working at Outback, then make the big bucks and eventually own his own salon. Dreams are coming true. He can make it work, except I keep messing things up.
Me trying not to put more stress on him, is putting more stress on him. I'm trying my best to do things right and keep things on the straight and narrow and some how I keep messing it up. It isn't easy for me. After twenty-five years of doing things a certain way, and being an alcoholic. It isn't easy to change in only three years. I still have cravings. And there are days when I want to crawl back into the bottle and give up. But I don't. I handle the stress. I've got a great set of friends and an extended family that really care about me. But I still find the wall going back up. So, as my sponsor would say, time to get back to the basics. Go back to the things that knocked the wall down in the first place and get my lines of defense re-established. Keep on plugging.
Just as I get all that straightened out, I get a phone call from sister. My dad is in the hospital and has been diagnosed with leukemia. WOW!!! So he's undergoing chemotherapy-agressively-seven days on seven days off then testing to see if it's in remission. If not, then they start over. He's in great physical shape so not a problem except for his age. But, he's a fighter and can beat it. He better. There are still a lot of things I need to say to him. So many things I need to apologize for. So many amends still need to be made and I can't sleep at night knowing I may lose him before I tell him. I want him to see me graduate nursing school and actually be the son he knew I could be. I love him and I need him to see tht. Hang in there dad. I'm coming.
So, that only leaves work. Which hasn't been that bad, except that it's been slow. September is traditionally the slowest time of the year. Although I've had a great August, paying for school and buying a new car has depleted both our savings. Come on LOTTO. Anyone wanting to make a donation to the "Crafty and Chad College Fund" may do so by inquiring at www.idontwanttoeatramennoodlesforthenexttwoyears.com. The only thing I can do is pray. Give it all up to God and have faith that all things will be taken care of. We've handled worse than this and survived and I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I wish it would be enough already. Also forgot to mention that September, is traditionally the worst month for .....HURRICANES.
Wow...dramatic huh??!!!! That's how it's been feeling. Very dramatic. Let's start with school. I talked to my nursing director about how I had planned out my nursing school career and she agreed with my timeline. The thing that sucked about it was how long I would have to wait after finishing my last pre-requisite before actually starting the program. As long as up to a year. The one good thing we did discuss (if you want to call it good) is that I qualify for a concurrent program where I can finish my AS and BS in Nursing at the same time. It will knock a year off me getting my Bachelor's degree. No problem. YEAH PROBLEM!!!!! It basically means that I have to take two classes from UCF at the same time I'm taking two from SSC. 13 credits a semester instead of 7. For anyone that knows nursing, that's a considerable amount more. Lecture in the morning, lab in the afternoon, and clinicals in the evening. Or anyway they want us to do them. Even on Saturday's. It's okay except that I wont be able to work at all.
That's where the relationship part comes in. Chad is already under a lot of stress. He found out he can graduate in December if he keeps applying himself the way he has. Shouldn't be a problem. Finish school, start work in a salon to get experience while still working at Outback, then make the big bucks and eventually own his own salon. Dreams are coming true. He can make it work, except I keep messing things up.
Me trying not to put more stress on him, is putting more stress on him. I'm trying my best to do things right and keep things on the straight and narrow and some how I keep messing it up. It isn't easy for me. After twenty-five years of doing things a certain way, and being an alcoholic. It isn't easy to change in only three years. I still have cravings. And there are days when I want to crawl back into the bottle and give up. But I don't. I handle the stress. I've got a great set of friends and an extended family that really care about me. But I still find the wall going back up. So, as my sponsor would say, time to get back to the basics. Go back to the things that knocked the wall down in the first place and get my lines of defense re-established. Keep on plugging.
Just as I get all that straightened out, I get a phone call from sister. My dad is in the hospital and has been diagnosed with leukemia. WOW!!! So he's undergoing chemotherapy-agressively-seven days on seven days off then testing to see if it's in remission. If not, then they start over. He's in great physical shape so not a problem except for his age. But, he's a fighter and can beat it. He better. There are still a lot of things I need to say to him. So many things I need to apologize for. So many amends still need to be made and I can't sleep at night knowing I may lose him before I tell him. I want him to see me graduate nursing school and actually be the son he knew I could be. I love him and I need him to see tht. Hang in there dad. I'm coming.
So, that only leaves work. Which hasn't been that bad, except that it's been slow. September is traditionally the slowest time of the year. Although I've had a great August, paying for school and buying a new car has depleted both our savings. Come on LOTTO. Anyone wanting to make a donation to the "Crafty and Chad College Fund" may do so by inquiring at www.idontwanttoeatramennoodlesforthenexttwoyears.com. The only thing I can do is pray. Give it all up to God and have faith that all things will be taken care of. We've handled worse than this and survived and I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I wish it would be enough already. Also forgot to mention that September, is traditionally the worst month for .....HURRICANES.
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