Little Wonders

As most of you know, Chad bought me a little puppy for Christmas - Percy.  Percy was meant to take the place of Sloane, the little Chi-poodle that was our roommates in Key West (Hi Allison), because I felt that Bare (our Rotti-Labrador) was depressed over not having a playmate anymore.  And he was depressed.  He would sit in front of the door and whine and look for Sloane every morning for the longest time.  Not only did he lose a friend, but he lost a yard that was totally his to run around in.  Now he was constrained to a leash.  So, depressed he was. 
Anyway, Percy is the smartest, most coniving little destroyer of all things that we've ever seen.  And, because of his face, he gets away with almost everything.  Now, you have to understand that since Percy has been living with us, things have been reversed.  Bare, that I bought for Chad several Christmases ago, is now my dog.  And Percy is now Chad's.  And it funny how these two, distinctly individual dogs have taken on certain characteristics of their owners.
Percy is into everything and has an opinion about everything.  Does things his own way and damned everyone else if they tell him different.  When he gets in trouble, his face says, "ME???  No you are mistaken.  I'm never wrong."  And when he knows he's in trouble.  He looks at you as if to say, "What?  What're you gonna do?  Thought so."  So strong and independent.  But afraid of the littlest things.  The vaccuum cleaner and thunder.  (Chad's is spiders).  Big Man.  Small spider.
Anyway, with Bare, he is a lot like me.  Laid back and easy going.  Can get riled up on occasion and likes to have fun, but is weary and knows when to say hey, "This isn't for me."  So sensitive, just like me, and can't for the life of him understand why Percy can sleep on the bed and he can't.  It hurts his feelings.  The answer, by the way, is that Percy weighs 25lbs and Bare 85-90.  There is a little issue of room. 
So the latest thing that has come to pass is the doggie door.  About a month ago, Chad (and his new set of power tools bought especially for this job) installed a doggie door in the house in an attempt to make our lives easier.  Door looks great.  Easy to use and automatic.  A sensor on the collar unlocks the door and allows entry.  Thus keeping out unwanted guests and allowing for freedom.  Percy loves the door.  Bare is so scared of the door that he barely approaches it.  My roommate got the biggest kick out of me yesterday trying to teach Bare to come through the door.  I was basically pushing this dog into the door and he was kicking and fighting the whole way.  I don't get it.  He will come in and out the door and long as we hold it up for him, but not if he has to push it himself.  WOW!!!
Percy......in and out.  In and Out.  Looking at Bare going, "Come on you big fraidy cat.  It's a plastic door.  Jump in.  Jump out.  So now Bare stands at the door and whines because Percy is outside and we have to let Bare out.  Incredible.  This is not my dog.
So, I was standing at the kitchen sink looking outside and Percy goes skittering by.  Swoosh swoosh.  Out the door.  Bare looks up and goes, heh, whatever.  I see Percy mount this little mound of dirt in the yard and he strikes a regal pose.  Looking out over his domain.  Knowing that all he sees is his for the plundering.  Plenty of squirrels to chase.  Gecko's to kill and grass to hide in.  Knowing that the only thing to enter his domain will do so with the sound of the creaking door opening because his brother is a wimp.  So, for the time being, his land is safe.  Our little wonder.

Gratitude

Yesterday started out great and then got crazy.  I got up early with Chad and watched him get ready for school and started thinking about my day.  Since I was up, I decided to get to school early and start work on my presentation research for Sociology.  No biggie.  Did some review work on the computer (my new laptop that my husband bought me for school:  Love it: Thanks Chad) for class that day and started a load of laundry.  Spilled laundry detergent on myself.  Took a shower.  Got soap in my eye.   Sprayed the shower with chemicals to clean it later and inhaled fumes.  Had a coughing fit.  Got dressed.  Percy stole my sock.  Found it in the yard.  Finished dressing and tried to leave the house.  Cant find my Debit Card.  Called Wachovia (now Wells Fargo).  New card in 5-7 days.  GREAT!!!  Not, all my cash is in the bank.  Wonderful. 
Now I'm running late for the timeline I had established for my day.
Feeling really down and a little depressed.  I call my sponsor.  "Having a rough day.  Things are going downhill fast.  Snowballing.  Any suggestions on how to turn this around?"  He sends back to me:  "Gratitude list.  Start with "I am sober".  So I did.  I used my gratitude to get me through the day.

It still went downhill a little but it picked up by the end.  I didn't get the grade I wanted on my last test.  Found out that I got the wrong information from an advisor at the beginning of summer when I registered for classes and can't take what I want in the fall because I don't have the proper pre-requisite.  So, with the test, I looked at my syllabus and can still get an A in the class with the material still yet to present to the teacher.  With my courses for next semester, I talked to another advisor and to Chad and it's all going to be okay.  I can take the classes I can take, still be able to work full time and I won't be off my timeline for graduating the nursing program at all.  Just have to work a little harder in the spring of next year.  All of these are very accomplishable goals. 
The point I'm trying to get across is this.  Losing track of the things that keep us centered and grounded can cause a snowball effect.  Realizing that this was happening, I took a moment, reached out and found my center again.  Put everything into its proper perspective and realized that I am in a much better place than I was, than some people are and never will be and that I needto take every minute possible and be GRATEFUL.
Thanks Haig for keeping me grounded.  Thank you Chad for showing me love.  Thank you God for giving me the courage to go on day to day.

Amazed

The past few weeks have left me totally amazed.  The usual has been going on in my life, but things are changing and it feels like the changes are for the good instead of the bad. 

One of the good things that's usually bad are the little fights that Chad and I get into.  Now, I know you're saying how can a fight be good?  Well, its good because I am starting to see growth from them.  There's an old saying that goes, "Without pain, there can be no growth."  I have seen plenty of growth in our pain.  A fight that usually would have ended with a few hours of not talking and threatened actions has turned into ten minutes of heated discussion with a mutual agreement of faults from both sides.  Its usually a reaction to an inappropriate action that caused the irrational behavior to begin with.  It's in recognizing that both parties need to take some responsibility that allows for the growth.

Chad and I both got tattoos this week.  They are addicting.  My last tattoo has so many negative connections that I feel this one as a  way of saying I can put my past behind me and I'm ready for the next adventure my lifes journey is presenting. 

My last tattoo was done on a Monday in May two years ago.  Tuesday I showed up to work so drunk i couldn't talk.  Thursday I checked into rehab.  Two years and a month to the day and I am no longer that same person.  I am now someone I can look in the mirror and not be afraid to look myself in the eyes.

As most know, I'm at the gym almost everyday.  I'm finally starting the see the changes in my body that bothers see.  My muscles are getting more definition and, even though my weight is staying the same, I know I'm in the best shape Ive ever been in.  One of my new sayings is,"You need help with that? Ive been working out."  It's great for a good chuckle. 

Overall, things are going pretty well.  School starts in two weeks and I'm actually excited about starting.   Ive let fear rule my life for so long, that I'm ready to stand up.for myself now and get the things that I want.  Try it for yourself.   You'll be amazed.

Hammertime

Seems lime its been a long time since I've written.  A lot has happened.  I spent a week in Key West; enrolled in college (again); my mom came for a visit and we've moved (again).  Oh, and I've just celebrated my two year anniversary of being sober.

All of these things are a positive in my life.  Its proved to me that I am stronger than I ever believed I could be.  It has also shown me that things do work out for the best and that sometimes we need to make it happen and not just what for it to fall into my lap (thank you Chad for showing me this and being patient with me in your own unique way).

So why do I feel like I'm waiting for the hammer to drop.

I guess its because my whole life, anytime I've experienced a period of happiness, I've done something to fuck it up.  For example, my life with Chad.  I'm finding it hard to find that even ground.  When he's having a bad day, I try to make him laugh and bring him up.  When it rreally starts annoying him I back off and he thinks I'm upset.  My wanting to give him nothing but happiness, ends up in turmoil and hurt.  Its never my intention to upset him, but it happens.  It just always seems that its my fault.  Even when it isn't.  But that's my own paranoia and anxiety over losing him.  I just don't know what to do sometimes.  I take it all in because I want to be there for him. And it seems, at least to me, that I'm always letting him down. 

It hurts so much sometimes that I wonder Still myself if it wouldn't be easier if we weren't together.  Then I look back at where we were before we met.  I was ready to let it all go.  Didn't care what happened to me.   He was aimless and wandering.  And now, with little jolts of pain here and there, we are both enrolled in school, looking forward to buying our own house in a few years, and trying our best to find love in every situation. 

So, with all the good that's come in our lives, I say to the bad and negative, "Its hammertime".

Breakfast. My last day in Key West.

This ones for Angela.  I had my breakfast. And a little dessert too.

Sunrise

So....it isn't often that we find time to have quiet time in ourAs with all things it takes work.   lives.  To often we are weighed down with all the daily burdens of life: work, relationships, school, etc.... But an opportunity presented itself to me and it has turned out to be just the thing I needed.  A chance to reconnect to things forgotten or put on the back burner.  A chance to clear my mind and think about the future. 

I'm in Key West this week on a little working vacation.  It started out as a chance to help my old boss, Brian, and has turned out that I'm the one that needed the help. 

I thought I could handle the move to Orlando.   That I would be happy.  Well I'm not.  Not yet anyway.  But its getting better all the time.  I guess I thought it would be easier.  I met with my AA sponsor after a meeting yesterday and we talked about things. 

Why did I think it would be easy?

As with all things, its gonna take work.  He told me I need to ground myself again.  That I had let the things that made me happy in Key West seem unavailable in Orlando.  That its there if I let it in.  He's so right.

When the plane landed in Key West I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  Yes, happy to be here but relaxed at the same time.  Guard down.  Yesterday I realized the whole time I've been in Orlando I've been waiting.  Maybe waiting to go back to Key West or for an opportunity to drop at my feet.  I should have been embracing what I have; thanking God for everything he's given me these past two (in 11 days) years; and giving back all that I can. 

As you can see, I've realized a few things.  I have more than most so shut up and be thankful; stop the self-pity crap and MAKE myself happy; and that I have the best, most supportive husband ever. 

Its amazing what you can learn about yourself with just one sunrise.

Angels

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but some things have happened over the past few weeks and I needed a little distance to ensure that I was thinking properly and that I worded this the way I wanted without unintentionally hurting someone in the process.  You see, a little over a week ago, the world lost a great person and heaven gained an angel. 

No one truly understands why things happen the way the do.  And it's very easy to explain it away as "God has better plans for her" or "the good always die young".  But the realization is, one of our friends was killed in an accident and we are all angry, sad, hurting, lonely, afraid, pissed off, over dramatic, afraid.  Yes, I said afraid twice and you're gonna hear it some more because we are AFRAID.  I've heard many times over the past week that "that couldv'e been me".  Yes, we have all been where Alicia was.  Drunk and unruly.  Wanting to drive, when we shouldn't.  Out of control and not listening to our friends that only have our best interests at heart.  It was an accident.  For those of you that don't know, Alicia, in a frantic effort to try and drive herself home, got away from her friends and ran into traffic, was hit by a car and killed instantly.

It was a very long Friday night.  Phone calls were made.  Almost everyone at the Outback knew before the sun came up Saturday morning (which was about the time the people that were there were getting into bed).
Although I had only been a part of Alicia's life for a short while, she was infectious.  Her smile was amazing and she could do anything she put her mind to.  She was so loud, you could always hear her laugh in the dining room at work.  SHE TOUCHED ME!!!  As she did everyone that she came in contact with.

Now, I said earlier that I wanted to word this right as to not unintentionally hurt people. I say this because I am mad.  It doesn't matter if you only knew Alicia for a few months or a few years, the simple matter is she was a co-worker and friend.  Ben, Michael, Cory and Chad were there.  They saw the whole thing.  It doesn't matter how long they knew her, seeing something like that has to have an effect on your life.  It will be something they never forget. Heather, Mallory and Josie can't keep saying to themselves, "If I'd only stayed longer!!"  They feel partly responsible and they're playing the game.  "If I'd only....." It hurts.  It isn't only the three of them.  It's all of us.  "If I'd switched shifts with her and she closed would she have still gone out....?"  "If I'd worked for her maybe she wouldn't have gone to that bar".  We can't play these games with ourselves. But it still angers me that there are some people out there that say "why's he getting special treatment, he didn't even know her that long."  Grow up. 

Yes, we are still allowed to grieve.  No one can tell you when to stop or that enough is enough. We all go through this process in our own way.  We all have our philosophies on living and dying.  The process of dealing with loss is never black and white.  So take your time.  Know that there are others out there still hurting.  But also know, that sometimes you need to talk to someone in order to help make it all connect. 
Denial, Acceptance, ANGER, Rationalization, Displacement. Blaming.  It's natural to feel this way and, short of physical abuse, its all expected. 

When I was in college, I took a class on Death and Dying.  It was offered by one of my favorite teachers and it was a course that was only offered this one semester and you had to have a recommendation in order to be allowed to take the class. A big to do.  The class was awesome and the professor was very passionate about it.  My final project was on the afterlife.  The beliefs of the church from many points of view and what we, the people, wanted or viewed the afterlife to be.  It was an enormous endeavor.  It came down to a few weeks before the project was due and I got scared it wasn't gonna be done.  I never went back to class.  It bothered me the whole summer.  So upon returning to school I had decided to go, explain my case and see if I could deliver my final project (with a loss of grade of course) and just pass the class.  I went to my professors office and his name was gone.  I found one of the other teaches I knew and asked where I could find him thinking they moved his office and was told he died over the summer.  I was devastated.  My teacher and friend was gone.  After a long talk, I found out that he had been diagnosed with cancer before the beginning of the school year and wanted to offer the class on death and dying for personal reasons.  I understood know why he was taking such an interest in my project.  I wouldn't forgive myself for a long time.  Father Raymond Appicella is still missed. 

At Alicia's funeral, the preacher told us to live each day to the fullest. To make the most out of everything that we'd been given.  It has taken me the majority of my 44 years of life to understand this.  Sometimes we get bogged down by the realism of it all, but for the most part, I try to laugh and be in positive spirits knowing the dark side as I've walked that road before.

As for my Outback family....I love the way we came together.  Seeing how loss can bring a family close and knowing that we are there for each other is spectacular to say the least.  Alicia was our co-worker and, most importantly, our friend.  Her time here on this plane may have been cut short, but I can rest a little easier at night knowing she is up there, watching over us along with all the other ANGELS.