Hammertime

Seems lime its been a long time since I've written.  A lot has happened.  I spent a week in Key West; enrolled in college (again); my mom came for a visit and we've moved (again).  Oh, and I've just celebrated my two year anniversary of being sober.

All of these things are a positive in my life.  Its proved to me that I am stronger than I ever believed I could be.  It has also shown me that things do work out for the best and that sometimes we need to make it happen and not just what for it to fall into my lap (thank you Chad for showing me this and being patient with me in your own unique way).

So why do I feel like I'm waiting for the hammer to drop.

I guess its because my whole life, anytime I've experienced a period of happiness, I've done something to fuck it up.  For example, my life with Chad.  I'm finding it hard to find that even ground.  When he's having a bad day, I try to make him laugh and bring him up.  When it rreally starts annoying him I back off and he thinks I'm upset.  My wanting to give him nothing but happiness, ends up in turmoil and hurt.  Its never my intention to upset him, but it happens.  It just always seems that its my fault.  Even when it isn't.  But that's my own paranoia and anxiety over losing him.  I just don't know what to do sometimes.  I take it all in because I want to be there for him. And it seems, at least to me, that I'm always letting him down. 

It hurts so much sometimes that I wonder Still myself if it wouldn't be easier if we weren't together.  Then I look back at where we were before we met.  I was ready to let it all go.  Didn't care what happened to me.   He was aimless and wandering.  And now, with little jolts of pain here and there, we are both enrolled in school, looking forward to buying our own house in a few years, and trying our best to find love in every situation. 

So, with all the good that's come in our lives, I say to the bad and negative, "Its hammertime".

Breakfast. My last day in Key West.

This ones for Angela.  I had my breakfast. And a little dessert too.

Sunrise

So....it isn't often that we find time to have quiet time in ourAs with all things it takes work.   lives.  To often we are weighed down with all the daily burdens of life: work, relationships, school, etc.... But an opportunity presented itself to me and it has turned out to be just the thing I needed.  A chance to reconnect to things forgotten or put on the back burner.  A chance to clear my mind and think about the future. 

I'm in Key West this week on a little working vacation.  It started out as a chance to help my old boss, Brian, and has turned out that I'm the one that needed the help. 

I thought I could handle the move to Orlando.   That I would be happy.  Well I'm not.  Not yet anyway.  But its getting better all the time.  I guess I thought it would be easier.  I met with my AA sponsor after a meeting yesterday and we talked about things. 

Why did I think it would be easy?

As with all things, its gonna take work.  He told me I need to ground myself again.  That I had let the things that made me happy in Key West seem unavailable in Orlando.  That its there if I let it in.  He's so right.

When the plane landed in Key West I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  Yes, happy to be here but relaxed at the same time.  Guard down.  Yesterday I realized the whole time I've been in Orlando I've been waiting.  Maybe waiting to go back to Key West or for an opportunity to drop at my feet.  I should have been embracing what I have; thanking God for everything he's given me these past two (in 11 days) years; and giving back all that I can. 

As you can see, I've realized a few things.  I have more than most so shut up and be thankful; stop the self-pity crap and MAKE myself happy; and that I have the best, most supportive husband ever. 

Its amazing what you can learn about yourself with just one sunrise.

Angels

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but some things have happened over the past few weeks and I needed a little distance to ensure that I was thinking properly and that I worded this the way I wanted without unintentionally hurting someone in the process.  You see, a little over a week ago, the world lost a great person and heaven gained an angel. 

No one truly understands why things happen the way the do.  And it's very easy to explain it away as "God has better plans for her" or "the good always die young".  But the realization is, one of our friends was killed in an accident and we are all angry, sad, hurting, lonely, afraid, pissed off, over dramatic, afraid.  Yes, I said afraid twice and you're gonna hear it some more because we are AFRAID.  I've heard many times over the past week that "that couldv'e been me".  Yes, we have all been where Alicia was.  Drunk and unruly.  Wanting to drive, when we shouldn't.  Out of control and not listening to our friends that only have our best interests at heart.  It was an accident.  For those of you that don't know, Alicia, in a frantic effort to try and drive herself home, got away from her friends and ran into traffic, was hit by a car and killed instantly.

It was a very long Friday night.  Phone calls were made.  Almost everyone at the Outback knew before the sun came up Saturday morning (which was about the time the people that were there were getting into bed).
Although I had only been a part of Alicia's life for a short while, she was infectious.  Her smile was amazing and she could do anything she put her mind to.  She was so loud, you could always hear her laugh in the dining room at work.  SHE TOUCHED ME!!!  As she did everyone that she came in contact with.

Now, I said earlier that I wanted to word this right as to not unintentionally hurt people. I say this because I am mad.  It doesn't matter if you only knew Alicia for a few months or a few years, the simple matter is she was a co-worker and friend.  Ben, Michael, Cory and Chad were there.  They saw the whole thing.  It doesn't matter how long they knew her, seeing something like that has to have an effect on your life.  It will be something they never forget. Heather, Mallory and Josie can't keep saying to themselves, "If I'd only stayed longer!!"  They feel partly responsible and they're playing the game.  "If I'd only....." It hurts.  It isn't only the three of them.  It's all of us.  "If I'd switched shifts with her and she closed would she have still gone out....?"  "If I'd worked for her maybe she wouldn't have gone to that bar".  We can't play these games with ourselves. But it still angers me that there are some people out there that say "why's he getting special treatment, he didn't even know her that long."  Grow up. 

Yes, we are still allowed to grieve.  No one can tell you when to stop or that enough is enough. We all go through this process in our own way.  We all have our philosophies on living and dying.  The process of dealing with loss is never black and white.  So take your time.  Know that there are others out there still hurting.  But also know, that sometimes you need to talk to someone in order to help make it all connect. 
Denial, Acceptance, ANGER, Rationalization, Displacement. Blaming.  It's natural to feel this way and, short of physical abuse, its all expected. 

When I was in college, I took a class on Death and Dying.  It was offered by one of my favorite teachers and it was a course that was only offered this one semester and you had to have a recommendation in order to be allowed to take the class. A big to do.  The class was awesome and the professor was very passionate about it.  My final project was on the afterlife.  The beliefs of the church from many points of view and what we, the people, wanted or viewed the afterlife to be.  It was an enormous endeavor.  It came down to a few weeks before the project was due and I got scared it wasn't gonna be done.  I never went back to class.  It bothered me the whole summer.  So upon returning to school I had decided to go, explain my case and see if I could deliver my final project (with a loss of grade of course) and just pass the class.  I went to my professors office and his name was gone.  I found one of the other teaches I knew and asked where I could find him thinking they moved his office and was told he died over the summer.  I was devastated.  My teacher and friend was gone.  After a long talk, I found out that he had been diagnosed with cancer before the beginning of the school year and wanted to offer the class on death and dying for personal reasons.  I understood know why he was taking such an interest in my project.  I wouldn't forgive myself for a long time.  Father Raymond Appicella is still missed. 

At Alicia's funeral, the preacher told us to live each day to the fullest. To make the most out of everything that we'd been given.  It has taken me the majority of my 44 years of life to understand this.  Sometimes we get bogged down by the realism of it all, but for the most part, I try to laugh and be in positive spirits knowing the dark side as I've walked that road before.

As for my Outback family....I love the way we came together.  Seeing how loss can bring a family close and knowing that we are there for each other is spectacular to say the least.  Alicia was our co-worker and, most importantly, our friend.  Her time here on this plane may have been cut short, but I can rest a little easier at night knowing she is up there, watching over us along with all the other ANGELS.

Cry

Why don't things work out the way we plan or hope they will?  Only our higher power knows.  I'm sitting here on the couch on the verge of tears bWecause my man is having a bad day.

We went to our mortgage guy this morning.  Things are moving along fine but we still have a few more months to go.  Money continues to be a problem as we are not making what we were used to in key west.

Things shouldn't be this hard and I look at Chad and want to just hold him and tell him everything will be alright.  I wish it was that easy.

I heard someone say once that men have an overwhelming desire to provide for their families and this sense to provide can sometimes override them to a point of obsession.  This is my man.  It makes me want to do everything I can to ease his pain.  Usually I overdo it by trying to make him laugh; take his mind away from all the stress.  This usually backfires on me and I end up getting my feelings hurt.  How selfish I am.

So the best thing we can do, I've heard,  is to let him know them know we're here if they need us.  Try to be as supportive as possible and take a little burden off their shoulders.   As I've said before, relationships take a lot of work.  Sometimes the only thing you can do is have a little cry.

Understanding

Ever feel like you're trying harder in the relationship than your partner?  That maybe your goals for the future just aren't the same?  That you need to get away for a while and appreciate what you have?  That's how I've been feeling lately. 

Now don't jump to conclusions.  Read on.  I love the life that I have now.  Chad and I have created a very comfortable existence for ourselves.  Yes, there's always the want for better and more,but I propose this:  If you have had a hard, unhappy past several years of your life, wouldn't you want to take time and enjoy the happiness you finally found for a while before traversing the road of difficult once again?

Chad wants me to go back to school.  "Don't you want to better yourself?" He says.  I understand he's only looking out for my best interest.  But maybe I don't wanna do all that again.  Maybe its not the right time for me.  Maybe I wanna stay home and take care of our house and dogs.  I'll still work of course.  I just want the chance to enjoy our lives together for a while before jumping into something where we will never get to see each other. 

It drives me crazy that he's always pushing and driving.  Never taking a moment to enjoy what he's got.    All I'm looking for is a little understanding. 

Early Mornings

More often than not, I find myself awake in the wee hours of the morn after very little sleep.  I don't mind.  The time spent alone in solitude is great for personal reflection and catching up on little things that you seem to never have the time for (caught up on your blogs Angela, sorry!!).  There's just so much going through my mind that if, no, when I wake up to take the dogs out in the middle of the night, I just can't seem to find that restful point in which to slip back in to slumberland.

I should be able to.  It's not like I don't do anything on my days off to make me tired.  And I know there are days when I wish I could take naps on the couch but time does not permit.  SO I don't understand the cruelty of life in this aspect.  When you should, you can't.  And when you can't, you really need to.  Crazy!!!!

Chad and I started a new diet this month.  It's been very successful, and a little nerve racking.  We both have just been miserable.  We gained a lot of weight over the past year with him stopping smoking and before that with me not drinking.  It's amazing how the mind controls what we do to our bodies.  When I stopped drinking, I craved sugar.  Usually in the form of Ben and Jerry's.  BAM!!!  Gained 25 pounds.  And Chad being the supportive type that he is, would join me on the couch for the gorge fest.  When Chad, stopped smoking, we continued the tradition by replacing a cig with a pint of ice cream. BAM!!!!  gained another 20. 

So, here we both are after moving to Orlando, which didn't stop the onslaught of creamy goodness, it just perpetuated it a little more.  Me, from being a little depressed for leaving Key West and my supportive husband trying to handle the stress of relocation and buying a house (always trying to be the provider, love him for that).  Well, here we are unable to wear most of our clothes and being total grumps about it. Time to do something.  We've tried fad diets and expensive diets which never seem to work.  Usually because they were too expensive or just inconvenient with our schedules.  After looking around, we finally found one we could be okay with.

Once a week we go to Inverness (about and hour and a half from Orlando) to see the doctor.  While there, we get weighed-in, have our food journals looked at and receive injections of B12 and a combination of other things that help our bodies convert complex carbs into a substance the body can easily get rid of and that helps the body burn fat instead of muscle.  We also take an appetite suppressant before eating which has helped us reduce our intake and increase our metabolism. Plus we've started working out.  All in all, not a bad way to educate ourselves on how to treat our bodies with a little respect.  The low carb diet is also very easily managed with our schedules since we can eat almost everything at work without much alteration of the menu (no fried foods and very little butter; no starch or pasta, etc....). 

After a month of being good and doing to the doctor once a week, Chad has lost a little over 16 pounds (great job) and I have lost a little over 21.  My goal weight is 206 and I'm at 225 right now.  Another two months and I'll be golden.  Chad too.  He's right on target.  It just amazes me that when we weigh-in we are both a little disappointed. We have a good week:  exercise three to four times a week, we are eating right and drinking plenty of water.  But still, when the nurse looks at you and says, "Your down another 3.8 pounds." (which is good) in my head I'm saying, "Damn, I wanted 10."  Felt like 10.  Worked hard enough for 10.  Damn, 3.8!!??!?!   Oh, well.  I try to not be discouraged.  21 pounds in a month is still very, very good.  I guess I know now what the contestants on Biggest Loser feel like when they get on the scale and only get a 1 or 2.  It sucks!!!!!  Not that I'm working as hard as they are, but it's the mental aspect of the game.  You feel like you deserve more.

I've been up for almost two hours now.  Chad came out and went to the bathroom, gave me a kiss on the head, and went back to bed.  I'm gonna wake him up in an hour so we can hit the gym.  Well, he can at least.  I forgot that Bare (our big little puppy) has a vet appointment at ten.  I've gotta take him since Chad has to go to work.  So, I hope to come home from the vet, take a little nap, and then hit the gym this afternoon.  Who knows what will happen.  I can always look forward to another early morning.