I miss him. I know we haven't ever been that close, but I miss him. I tried to get here in time. Did things driving that I look back on now and say, "Wow....Chad would be yelling at me for that!" I don't feel like being funny and actually part of me doesn't even want to be here. But I have to be. My father died.
I don't know what to feel yet and I haven't broken down. But I know it's coming. Funny thing is I've known for a long time this was coming and you think you'd be prepared for it...but you're just not. All the things that needed to be said, and I know he knows, but I still wanted to say them. All the things that I wanted to apologize for...but he already forgave me for...but still needed to say. It's all here. I'll get my chance. I know. But still I miss him.
It isn't that we were really close either, but just the comfort of knowing he was there. He always had a way of switching our conversation over to the weather and I knew this was his polite way of saying, "Ok, time to go". Drove me crazy, but I laugh at it now. He taught me so many things, and I'm sorry that I wasn't the son he deserved when I was younger, but I know he was proud of the man I turned out to be. He did his best and I know that. But still...I will miss him.
I knew was gone. I just passed Atlanta and a song came on the radio and suddenly I was filled with joy and grief all at the same time and something inside me said, I was to late. Then calmness...and the realization that what was meant to be was meant to be and I still had to make this journey. For my family....for my father, my grandparents.....for all the Craft's and Brown's that have left this realm and entered the next. Mainly for me.
There isn't much to say or do...just being there. All I know is...I miss him.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
The People In Our Lives
It's amazing you know. The people in our lives. Never do we know the reasons why we cross paths or come into contact with the people around us, but it happens. And trying to figure it out could drive you crazy. So just don't try. All we can do is take from them the things that they give us, give to them what we have to offer and hope that whatever the connection we have made in the little time we've had together, will make a difference in each others life.
I read somewhere once upon a time, that if someone makes eye contact with you, it's for a reason and you need to acknowledge them. Say hi. There is something that can be given to the other if we let down our barriers and open up to each other. Easier said than done in this day and age. But, there are times when I believe it and act on it. I've had great success with this and some really bad endings but it isn't about the outcome, it's about the journey. What have you learned from the experience and what can you pass on to the next person? It's actually a fun little game, but you have to stay open to the experience and not let yourself get closed off.
To people that are a part of your life everyday, it's a little different. We let so much of the past bog us down that we forget to live in the moment. These are the people we have to interact with everyday and if we can't be our self around them, then we really have a problem. It should be easier to interact with the people closest to us but most of the time they are the ones we shut down around. Why is this? My God, I love to have fun with people and act silly, so when I get upset or mad, everyone knows. But you know what, they leave me alone when I want to be alone and they pick me up when I need to be picked up. For the greater part of my life, I closed myself off and kept everything bottled up inside. It nearly drove me crazy. And there are times when I find myself falling into the same trap and I have an anxiety attack trying to figure out why. Just be yourself. If you wear your heart on your sleeve, then I'll pick it up and mend it when it breaks. And if you don't, I'll pinch your butt until I see a smile. Just relax and don't sweat the small stuff. And it's all small stuff.
It breaks my heart to see a friend hurting. I don't understand some of the stupid things that people do. Why intentionally hurt someone. If you make a mistake, admit it and move on. Stop dragging it through the mud. But to the person that got hurt. Wallow in it for a minute. Take it in and own it. Use it. Let it make you stronger. Learn from it. Put it up on the chalkboard as 1-0. And head back out a little wiser and better for it. It sucks!!! Yes it does, but in the end, you'll be better for it.
Personally, if there is something in your life you can learn from and use it to grow, go for it. The right thing is not always the easiest thing. The easiest thing isn't always the right thing. With a little temperance, love, compassion and understanding, you can mend. You will come through the fire better than when you went in and you may learn a thing or two about yourself in the process.
I love my life. I've learned a lot going through it. I have to remember to appreciate the ones that mean the most to me at times and to laugh in the face of adversity, but for the most part, I wouldn't trade it for the world. We are who we are due to the people in our lives.
I read somewhere once upon a time, that if someone makes eye contact with you, it's for a reason and you need to acknowledge them. Say hi. There is something that can be given to the other if we let down our barriers and open up to each other. Easier said than done in this day and age. But, there are times when I believe it and act on it. I've had great success with this and some really bad endings but it isn't about the outcome, it's about the journey. What have you learned from the experience and what can you pass on to the next person? It's actually a fun little game, but you have to stay open to the experience and not let yourself get closed off.
To people that are a part of your life everyday, it's a little different. We let so much of the past bog us down that we forget to live in the moment. These are the people we have to interact with everyday and if we can't be our self around them, then we really have a problem. It should be easier to interact with the people closest to us but most of the time they are the ones we shut down around. Why is this? My God, I love to have fun with people and act silly, so when I get upset or mad, everyone knows. But you know what, they leave me alone when I want to be alone and they pick me up when I need to be picked up. For the greater part of my life, I closed myself off and kept everything bottled up inside. It nearly drove me crazy. And there are times when I find myself falling into the same trap and I have an anxiety attack trying to figure out why. Just be yourself. If you wear your heart on your sleeve, then I'll pick it up and mend it when it breaks. And if you don't, I'll pinch your butt until I see a smile. Just relax and don't sweat the small stuff. And it's all small stuff.
It breaks my heart to see a friend hurting. I don't understand some of the stupid things that people do. Why intentionally hurt someone. If you make a mistake, admit it and move on. Stop dragging it through the mud. But to the person that got hurt. Wallow in it for a minute. Take it in and own it. Use it. Let it make you stronger. Learn from it. Put it up on the chalkboard as 1-0. And head back out a little wiser and better for it. It sucks!!! Yes it does, but in the end, you'll be better for it.
Personally, if there is something in your life you can learn from and use it to grow, go for it. The right thing is not always the easiest thing. The easiest thing isn't always the right thing. With a little temperance, love, compassion and understanding, you can mend. You will come through the fire better than when you went in and you may learn a thing or two about yourself in the process.
I love my life. I've learned a lot going through it. I have to remember to appreciate the ones that mean the most to me at times and to laugh in the face of adversity, but for the most part, I wouldn't trade it for the world. We are who we are due to the people in our lives.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Because I Knew You, I've Been Changed Forever
I drove to Jacksonville today for a very somberly sad occasion. My friend, and often father figure, passed away last week and today we said our farewells. As stories were told, I drifted back to a day many years ago and relived a story of my own.
Joe, Patti and Amy came into Outback one Sunday afternoon many, many years ago for dinner as they often did. Usually, they would sit and have dinner at the bar, but for some reason, this time, they sat in the dining room. I was off and just happened to be at the restaurant having a few beers, and a few more and some shots thrown in there too not an uncommon sight then). Anyway, I joined them for dinner and conversation ensued and it was going well. Now, for those of you who know Joe Okupski, there are not many things in this world that make him speechless. I am the bearer of one of those rare moments. His sons and I had been friends for a while and I just assumed that they had talked to him about me. Not true. So when I mentioned the fact that I was gay, I kept going with the conversation until I say his face. The look. The famous look. Wow!!
Now, I had been told stories of Joe by the boys, Chris and Ryan, and knew of his anger. I was afraid of what was going on in his mind. A few seconds passed and he stated, "I didn't know that". And that was the end of it.
Years went by, we grew closer and I often house sat and watched the dogs, Phoenix and Sedonna. More times than I cared for, he and Patti gave me shelter when I had none, was always there with a kind word and hearty laugh. He took me to Emerills in Miami once and I had duck. He thinks I don't remember, but I do. The Louis was great too but I don't remember much of the car ride home. We were friends. He never judged me. He knew my heart and my mind. I will miss him.
He would tell me later, that I changed the way he thought about homosexuals. And that he thought of me as a son. He came to my wedding in Key West and I could see the pride on his face when he saw how happy I was. I was happy he was there.
Several years later, I would see him only twice more: Once when I helped Amy move to Knoxville and again when Amy got married. The last time I saw him, I was afraid. My own father has been fighting Leukemia for about three years now and even though I knew Joe was sick, nothing could prepare me for what I saw when I got to the hotel. I didn't recognize him and all I could think of was my own father. All the fear of losing your parents flooded to my mind and it was paralyzing.
Joe walked Amy down the aisle and you could see the love and pride in his face. It was a great day. I'm glad he got to see that before he passed. Today I got say goodbye to a dear friend, but as I was taking a picture of the family, I got to see Joe one more time. He was present in the faces of his children and grandchildren. He filled the room with his strength, passion, dedication to family and friends and above all else, his love. He was a great story teller and now the stories will be told of him. What do you leave to your child when you're dead? Only whatever you put in their head.
So Joe, I can proudly say...Because I knew you, I've been changed forever.
Joe, Patti and Amy came into Outback one Sunday afternoon many, many years ago for dinner as they often did. Usually, they would sit and have dinner at the bar, but for some reason, this time, they sat in the dining room. I was off and just happened to be at the restaurant having a few beers, and a few more and some shots thrown in there too not an uncommon sight then). Anyway, I joined them for dinner and conversation ensued and it was going well. Now, for those of you who know Joe Okupski, there are not many things in this world that make him speechless. I am the bearer of one of those rare moments. His sons and I had been friends for a while and I just assumed that they had talked to him about me. Not true. So when I mentioned the fact that I was gay, I kept going with the conversation until I say his face. The look. The famous look. Wow!!
Now, I had been told stories of Joe by the boys, Chris and Ryan, and knew of his anger. I was afraid of what was going on in his mind. A few seconds passed and he stated, "I didn't know that". And that was the end of it.
Years went by, we grew closer and I often house sat and watched the dogs, Phoenix and Sedonna. More times than I cared for, he and Patti gave me shelter when I had none, was always there with a kind word and hearty laugh. He took me to Emerills in Miami once and I had duck. He thinks I don't remember, but I do. The Louis was great too but I don't remember much of the car ride home. We were friends. He never judged me. He knew my heart and my mind. I will miss him.
He would tell me later, that I changed the way he thought about homosexuals. And that he thought of me as a son. He came to my wedding in Key West and I could see the pride on his face when he saw how happy I was. I was happy he was there.
Several years later, I would see him only twice more: Once when I helped Amy move to Knoxville and again when Amy got married. The last time I saw him, I was afraid. My own father has been fighting Leukemia for about three years now and even though I knew Joe was sick, nothing could prepare me for what I saw when I got to the hotel. I didn't recognize him and all I could think of was my own father. All the fear of losing your parents flooded to my mind and it was paralyzing.
Joe walked Amy down the aisle and you could see the love and pride in his face. It was a great day. I'm glad he got to see that before he passed. Today I got say goodbye to a dear friend, but as I was taking a picture of the family, I got to see Joe one more time. He was present in the faces of his children and grandchildren. He filled the room with his strength, passion, dedication to family and friends and above all else, his love. He was a great story teller and now the stories will be told of him. What do you leave to your child when you're dead? Only whatever you put in their head.
So Joe, I can proudly say...Because I knew you, I've been changed forever.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Time Off
Hello Everybody,
I know it's been a while. Sorry about that. Life gets busy and as we all know, there are times we have to put some things on the side lines while we take care of the things that need more attention. With me, its been work. Now, let me restate something I've said in my blogs a few times: Nothing I say here is intended to hurt anyone. These are just my thoughts and my way of expressing how I feel. Do not take them personal.
Work has been the #1 thing in my life for a few months now (well, a little over a year). I've been working two jobs to make sure we maintain our lifestyle and to keep us afloat. The longer I keep working these hours, the more tired I get and when the choice comes down to writing a blog or getting a little extra sleep, I choose the sleep. Trust me, I'd rather be reading a book on the beach than working at the deli or outback. I'll trade places anytime. But that isn't my reality at the moment. I'm starting summer school in a few weeks. I've only got four pre-req classes left before I can apply to Nursing school and I want to get them done. I can't wait to start my clinicals and working with the patients.
The other day I get an e-mail from my Anatomy and Physiology teacher sent to all the students telling us that it has been his experience that students that take this course over the summer and work more than 20 hours a week tend to fall behind and end up failing or not doing very well. I work anywhere from 60 to 70 hours a week so this is going to be fun. I'm not really worried about it though. I know that I can do the work. My best half tells me all the time I'm the smartest dumb person he's ever known. Lol. The course work isn't going to be the hard part. I know that as long as I attend the lecture and do the in-class assignments, my retention is incredible and the book work comes easily. Now, staying awake in class might be a problem, but Monster makes a no-carb energy drink that I'll be buying by the case.
Plus, and this is the part I love, Chad has already said that he'd work some of my shifts at the deli so I don't have to stress myself out. I love this. He knows how important this is to me and, as I did for him, he's willing to make sacrifices so that I can attain the goals I set for myself. I love him for this (And a bunch of other things too). And that's what relationships are for. Making sacrifices for each other, doing things even when we don't want to, and supporting each other through the good times and the bad while forgiving the little things that really piss you off. Doing all these things now, so you can reap the rewards together later and have the life you always dreamed.
Now, I know it sounds like a lot. And it is. But it'll pay off in the long run. We're saving money for our house. We never go hungry or without the essentials. We both want nice things and vacations, but those will come in time. I truly believe that Chad will have the clientele and business that will let him have the lifestyle for us that he wants, while I work in a hospital and look forward to my retirement in 25 years (YIKES...I keep forgetting I'm almost 50) okay, 20 years to retirement. But until then, we keep on plugging away. We are fortunate to have his family close by to keep us grounded and while my family is a little further away, they are there to make us smile and are only a phone call away. So on May 8th, when classes start, I'll keep all this in mind while I look forward to August, the end of summer school, and some time off.
I know it's been a while. Sorry about that. Life gets busy and as we all know, there are times we have to put some things on the side lines while we take care of the things that need more attention. With me, its been work. Now, let me restate something I've said in my blogs a few times: Nothing I say here is intended to hurt anyone. These are just my thoughts and my way of expressing how I feel. Do not take them personal.
Work has been the #1 thing in my life for a few months now (well, a little over a year). I've been working two jobs to make sure we maintain our lifestyle and to keep us afloat. The longer I keep working these hours, the more tired I get and when the choice comes down to writing a blog or getting a little extra sleep, I choose the sleep. Trust me, I'd rather be reading a book on the beach than working at the deli or outback. I'll trade places anytime. But that isn't my reality at the moment. I'm starting summer school in a few weeks. I've only got four pre-req classes left before I can apply to Nursing school and I want to get them done. I can't wait to start my clinicals and working with the patients.
The other day I get an e-mail from my Anatomy and Physiology teacher sent to all the students telling us that it has been his experience that students that take this course over the summer and work more than 20 hours a week tend to fall behind and end up failing or not doing very well. I work anywhere from 60 to 70 hours a week so this is going to be fun. I'm not really worried about it though. I know that I can do the work. My best half tells me all the time I'm the smartest dumb person he's ever known. Lol. The course work isn't going to be the hard part. I know that as long as I attend the lecture and do the in-class assignments, my retention is incredible and the book work comes easily. Now, staying awake in class might be a problem, but Monster makes a no-carb energy drink that I'll be buying by the case.
Plus, and this is the part I love, Chad has already said that he'd work some of my shifts at the deli so I don't have to stress myself out. I love this. He knows how important this is to me and, as I did for him, he's willing to make sacrifices so that I can attain the goals I set for myself. I love him for this (And a bunch of other things too). And that's what relationships are for. Making sacrifices for each other, doing things even when we don't want to, and supporting each other through the good times and the bad while forgiving the little things that really piss you off. Doing all these things now, so you can reap the rewards together later and have the life you always dreamed.
Now, I know it sounds like a lot. And it is. But it'll pay off in the long run. We're saving money for our house. We never go hungry or without the essentials. We both want nice things and vacations, but those will come in time. I truly believe that Chad will have the clientele and business that will let him have the lifestyle for us that he wants, while I work in a hospital and look forward to my retirement in 25 years (YIKES...I keep forgetting I'm almost 50) okay, 20 years to retirement. But until then, we keep on plugging away. We are fortunate to have his family close by to keep us grounded and while my family is a little further away, they are there to make us smile and are only a phone call away. So on May 8th, when classes start, I'll keep all this in mind while I look forward to August, the end of summer school, and some time off.
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