Bring You Love

Since the wedding, I've been asked several times if I feel any different now that I'm married?  I tell people no.  That it's all the same, I just wear a ring now.  But that's not entirely true. 

One of the things that's changed is the level of committment that I feel toward Chad.  We used to kid around alot about "there's the door" or "why are we doing this". But everytime I feel that ring around my finger or see the sunlight glinting off it,  I am reminded of one thing:  He loves me enough to want to be mine for the rest of our lives.  LOVE.  I think it can conquer all. 

For those of you that don't know our story, I like to believe it is kinda fairy tale-ish.  When I first met Chad, I couldn't stand him.  I thought he was a pompous, arrogant, know-it-all whose dry sense of humor and sarcasm drove me crazy.  And I was his manager.  But, we started hanging out and getting to know each other and love happend.  It wasn't easy.  Nor did it happen right away.  As you've come to know from reading my blogs, I was/am an alcoholic.  And some of you may have guessed that I had given up on life and was slowly killing myself.  And then Chad happened.

He came along and somehow we fell in love and when things got to be real bad....he didn't give up on me.  And he wouldn't let me run or push him away.  Somehow this big dummy fell in love with me and found the strength to hold on to me and help me through one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. 

On the flip side, Chad had kind of given up too.  But love is amazing in what changes you make for it.  And it's amazing for what it can teach you.  In Chad, I found a strength that I thought had left me years ago.  I realized that I can do whatever I put my mind to and I am capable of so much more than I ever gave myself credit for.  While he was fighting for me, he stopped quitting on himself. 

And Chad learned a few things too.  He learned patience and a way to look at things in a different light.  Our life struggles have been different and our journeys have led us to places neither would have gone.  I traveled a lot when I was younger and saw a great portion of the world.  Chad has never been out of the U.S.  I went to college and studied while Chad learned about life in other means.  I love books and movies and gazing at the stars and Chad likes fast cars and loud music and hanging with his friends.  None of these are bad, but the ten year difference in our ages shows a little here.

Not that I would give it up, for I believe it is these differences that make us a strong couple.  We learn from each other.  He to slow down and enjoy life and me, to maybe take things a little more serious.  We meet halfway most of the time and I'm sure we will have a great life.  TOGETHER.  It only takes embracing the differences and knowing that they are there. The old saying goes, "You've got to give a litte, to get a lot."

We've been together for two years, and both of us have changed a lot.  It's really amazing how much sharing your life with someone opens the doors of opportunity and growth.  It takes the selfishness away and brings togetherness.  This, I think, is what GOD intended in the first place.  That love should never be blind and never boastful.  It is quiet and subtle.  You find it when you're not looking and amazed by when you do.  If you let it envelope you and hold you, put all your everything in it, you will be shocked by how far you can go,  what you can accomplish and lives that you touch.  Open your eyes and your heart, and the journey you will travel afterward can only bring you joy.

Balance.  Talk.  Listen.  Enjoy.  Share.  Laugh.  Cry.  Yell.  LOVE!!!

Brings Happiness

So, it's been three days since the wedding and a little over a week since my last blog and so much has happened.  On Friday, I was wondering why anyone would want to get married after all the stress that we have put ourselves through.  There were times that afternoon when I wanted to call it all off and say %*&# it.  It just wasn't worth all the aggrevation, tears, turmoil and frustration.

By Friday night, those feeling had subsided, and whole new set came on.  With family and friends now in town, the anxiety, nerves, and butterflies had all set-in.  So, I found my port in the storm (thanks Dottie), got my focus on, and kept it all together.

Saturday morning came and here came the hurry here, do that, what's this, you were supposed to do that, and run run run.  And at 4:30, be at the gardens, cause you're getting married in a half hour.  Of course the ceremony was beautiful.  Everyone had a great time and it went off with only a few minor glitches. 

And we were happy.

It is worth it.  Knowing that the one you are ready to spend the rest of your life with, wants the same thing. That vowing in front of family and friends and saying "I'll be there for you through it all" means a great deal.  It is nothing to make fun of or take lightly. 

And for a few short hours the world stopped. It was only about me and him.  Nothing else mattered.  But it did.  The way my Dad looked at me and I saw happiness in his eyes.  It was the same happiness I saw in the eyes of Chad's sisters and Mom and Dad.  The same happiness that I saw in the eyes of all our friends that had gathered to celebrate our day with us.  The whole world was happy.  At least in my mind and that's all that mattered at that moment.  For a few short, blessed hours, almost everyone we cared about was happy.  And it all made sense.  These little moments.  The twists and turns of fate that lead us to where we are all happen for a reason.  Just gotta have faith that all things work themselves out for reasons that we just can't explain.  God leads us in ways we can't imagine and without our knowing.

So, I thank everyone that made October 16th, 2010 the happiest day of my life.  Without everyone that come into our lives or brought us into life, we would not be here enjoy all that God has given.  So, family that traveled from afar, friends that sacrificed to be here, and all the others that rejoiced with us wether at the pary or just by saying congratulations over Facebook, I thank you.

Choices....

Somethings been bothering me for a couple of days and I feel like there is more that needs to be said.  A few days ago a friend of mine posted a facebook status about "1 in 10 of everyone born is gay..." and the debate went on.  Well, I read a comment posted back saying about how it was our choice to love a member of the same sex and that special benefits shouldn't be given just because we CHOOSE to love the same sex.  Well, I got something to say about that and I've had a long time to think about it.

I makes me mad when people say we have a choice.  I'm sure there are some out there that do, but for the majority, and we are a huge majority, we were born this way.  My fight with my mother, God bless her for her beliefs (and I would never deny anyone their beliefs) is that I would never have chosen a lifestyle in which the suicide and mortality rates is one of the highest in world (and I've been on the suicide end several times). I would never have chosen to alienate myself from family and friends.  I would never have chosen to live my life watching life pass me by through the bottom of a bottle.  Yes, even I say to myself, I made the choice to drink and to avoid life.  But at a young age of 13, 14, 15 - when influences are beyond our control and all you want to do is to fit in, it was easier to give up, than to fight.  And being  AFRAID (as my sponsor tells me) is one of those character defects that we are always afraid of admitting.

So, being young, and afraid, and finding alcohol, I had my escape.  And I did.  There are those out there that aren't that lucky.  Though it is much more accepted now and people are educated and trained in dealing with this, it wasn't back when I was going through it.  And still, the rate of teenage suicide due to not being able to handle the fact that they are different is higher than it's ever been.  And yet, there are people who still believe that its a choice.  We Had No Choice. 

Would I go back and change it if I could?  No, I wouldn't change one single day that lead me on my way to you.  This is the reason we live isn't it?  To try and effect a change. To make one thing better than it was when we found it.  That's what they taught me when I was in the Boy Scouts.  Always leave a camp area the way you found it or better.  And isn't that all we're doing here on this planet.  Camping????  I know it sounds so simple.  But we've lost sight of the simple things, because, once again... there are people out there who try to make it difficult.  Break it down to its smallest simpliest (?) element and what do we have?  A great big campsite that we've destroyed and broken and squandered away.  No tangents,  sorry.

Anyway, choices... yes we have choices.  And my choice now is to speak out against the bigotry and stupidity that runs this world.  Did I have a choice in being gay?  NO.  I would not want to put my family through the things I did by choice.  I did choose to try and hide it and in the process drive myself and my family to the brink of madness.  I did choose to drink and further alienate myself from the world.  I did choose, in the end to stop the madness.  If I had chosen not to stop drinking, I would be dead.  I know that.  But instead I opted to live and love and be happy.  And now, three days from this posting, if Hurricane Paula doesn't ruin all our plans, I will have a awesomely loving addition to my family. 

So parents, I challenge you (in keeping with my HERO theme) to be a hero to your child.  Don't be afraid to talk to them.  They're scared enough.  If my dad had just said, "I know your gay.  Let's talk."  My life would be different.  Can't say for sure but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have tried suicide several times.  I wouldn't have put Trisha through a horriffic two years of pure hell. Trish if you read this, I'm trying to apologize and haven't quite gotten the courage to do it.  Things would have been different and I want to believe different for the better.  And better is what all parents want for their children isn't it.  God, please, don't just say nothing.  Talk to your kids.  It's your CHOICE.

My Second Chance

It was never supposed to be like this.  In my alcohol infused brain, I was to be dead way before now.  Now after not drinking for a year and a half, I've finally found happiness that I thought God had said I was to never know.  I've found Love, which I thought was never supposed to be mine.  For some reason, I thought that I was only here to take up space.

Somewhere along the way, I learned that I actually was a good person.  That I had a lot to contribute and that I was actually quite smart.  I just didn't want to beleive it or hear it.  I don't want this to be a "Oh, woe is me" blog.  I want this to be uplifting and inspiring.  I believe that the world needs a hero.  That there needs to be some form of hope.  The economy is for crap and there is famine and war all across the planet.  Sooner than we think, there will be millions homeless or dead due to the melting polar ice caps and global climate changes.  And I think, and the real reason I've started this, is that the "HERO" needs to be us.

Not often enough in this world do we give people a second chance. Not often enough do we believe that someone isn't out to just take us for a ride.  Faith is a strong word and not in our vocabularies enough.  Faith in the human race and each other that there are still some good, honest people in the world.  I believe that it is an intrinsic value that we want to trust and believe in each other.  But, since the beginning of time, all we've had to go on is the bad.  Well, bad has taken over and it's time for GOOD to come back.  Do one good thing for someone today and tomorrow and it goes a long way.  Let it get paid forward.  Let a little act of random kindness be the thing that starts your day and see how you feel later. 

I kind of believe that grouchy people are grouchy simply because no one has ever just smiled at them and said, "hello, how are you today".  It could change the world.

I've been blessed by second chances.  Took them for granted and still been given more.  And there are a lot of people out there worse off than I was or am.  Believe it or not, you are loved.  People do care and there are second chances. 

So, for my first blog I would like to thank a few people.  God - for giving me four chances that I can remember (and some that I don't).  Brian David Cruikshank, for giving me a second chance as long as I got help.  Chad, for leading me to the help (and also showing me more LOVE than I ever thought I was allowed to have). Haig for keeping me on the straight and narrow even when I don't wanna be.  Allison who probably has the biggest and best heart that I've ever encountered and her mother, Angela, who gave it to her.  I'm blessed and alive today because of these people.  My Second Chance.