It's 5:30 in the morning as I write this post. The house is quiet and only a few noises can be heard from outside. Roosters crowing; scooters zipping past and the occasional unidentified sound coming from outside.
I'm up so early because Chad has a cold and a fever of 102. His constant moaning and groaning and ability to never find a comfortable spot has kept me up for the past two nights. But this doesn't really bother me. I'm good with a few hours of sleep. If anything, when it comes to him being sick, I fall comfortably into the role of caregiver.
As I was laying in bed trying to return to sleep after checking his temperature and getting him water and meds, my mind couldn't help but wander. It went to one of those places that I don't really care for, but I believe we all visit, and just never talk about. "What would happen if....?" Pictures of hospitals, and other unseemly places pop into the front of my mind and then the hamster wheel takes off, and sleep is something that I'll see later in the day.
But, today, being that it is only one day away from Thanksgiving, I tried to turn this into a positive instead of letting it weigh me down. I started thinking of all the reasons I'm thankful this year. And there are many. I am thankful for my connection to God. I believe, that through my faith, he has led me on a path of happiness and joy. I can see a great future ahead whereas before, I was ready to give it all away.
I am Thankful, for my husband. For giving me that second chance; always standing by my side and believing in me when I didn't have the strength or want to do it myself. Also, for smacking me in the head when I was being stupid and for being willing to share the rest of his life with me. That is something I never thought would happen. I always thought my destiny was to walk alone and die alone. If anything, God brought Chad and I together so that we could learn how to love again and that we are allowed to be happy.
I am Thankful for my family. Even though we don't always see eye to eye, and we don't talk that often, I know they are there and that they love me as much as I love them. If anything, the last year and a half of sobriety has brought us closer (not always good, but closer). In learning to admit to them my faults and asking for forgiveness, the bond between us has gotten stronger. They know that I am working on being a better person and that after spending the majority of the last twenty-five years in a bottle, it wont' be easy to change those patterns of behavior that I developed (self-defense mechanisms I call them). But I'm working on it. One of the best moments in my history with my dad came this year at my wedding. I was so overjoyed that they came down and to see the look in his eye when I told him I stopped drinking over a year ago was/is a look I'll keep in my mind forever. Bridges can be mended. It isn't easy, but all it takes is a leap of faith.
I am Thankful for friends. Without them this past year, I would be back in the bottom of a bottle. Getting married is not easy. The stresses involved are tremendous and finding a way to handle them is even harder when the easiest outlet isn't accessible to you. So, I say sorry and thank you to all my friends for the late night phone calls. The desperate pleas to get me out and away from Chad before I kill him and for all the times I caused you worry.
To Allison and Angela, many Thanks. Your continued ability to amaze me with your kind words and big hearts have left with me a desire to be more. Being good (like marriage Ang) takes a lot of work. I get my patience by tapping into a reservoir of hope for a better tomorrow and that knowing maybe, just maybe, by my being this way, I can effect a little change in people. Kindness, like smiles, is contagious. I feel that after all the pain I've caused, the only way to fix it, is to give back patience, understanding an kindness. God brought you into my life for a reason. If only to let me know, that there are others out there that believe too. Your kindness and smiles will be forever in my heart.
Haig, although I may not be the best sponsee in the world, I am Thankful for you. You've kept me grounded over the past year and reminded me that when times get tough, to go back to that place where you could make sense of everything, breathe, PAUSE, and look at it through anothers eyes. I'm gonna miss you and pray to God everyday for your continued grace and presence in my life.
I am Thankful for my new family: Mandee, Steve, Becky, Emsa, Katie, Jeremy, Amy, Rob, Fallon, Joe, and Barbara. The past year has brought me much joy and I blame it all on you. I turned my back on my family thinking that the further away I was, the easier it would be for them. I've learned that this is not true in the slightest way. It only made things harder. But being involved with your family, seeing how you interact and being allowed to be a part of this great, blessed thing has opened my eyes and made me yearn to be a part of my family again. I didn't have much to be proud of in the past, certainly wasn' proud of myself, but I am so proud to be called a Fallon. Thank you for having me.
So, tomorrow, when it comes time to say Thanks, I will think of all of you. I truly have a wonderful life and can't wait to see what the new year has in store. I am really happy that Chad and I will be starting a new chapter in our lives living in Orlando. Not only does it bring us closer to family but also to good friends and the opportunity to develop a better life for ourselves (we see a house in the near future that is all ours). So, tomorrow afternoon, as I cut into that red velvet cake (yes Nugget, I got it) I know that I have a lot to be thankful for.
Love you all.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Another Day in Paradise
This past weekend were the power boat races here in Key West. It's a great event held every year and brings a lot of business and people to the island from all over the world. Usually, we watch the race from the local state park and havea great view of the boat coming down the final stretch. It's everything you could want: loud engines, hish speeds and some flashy paint jobs.
This year, a friend of ours invited us out on his boat. It was a dream come true. Every year I sit on the rocks overlooking the coarse looking at the boats on the water salivating at how great it must be to see the races from out there. This year it came true. It was "I wish that was me" moments come true. I LOVED IT!!!!
While we were out there on the water, I started thinking about all the reasons I love Key West and what brought me here in the first place.
My first memory of Key West was from when I was a child of only 11 or 12. My dad brought us to Florida on family vacation and it was one of those trips that lasted forever. We came down the west coast thru Alligator alley, into Miami and down the keys. I remember looking out the windows of the van (one of the old old vans that my dad had spent a summer installing a bed, chairs, carpet, curtains, etc....one of those big, huge box vans) just watching the water and how the sun glinted off it. I almost got a little sick when we hit the seven mile bridge. (this is a true story). Dad looked back and told us all (my brother, sister and I) to sit down and be still. We didn't understand why. So, we didn't and he yelled louder and we did. We understood after looking out the window and looking straight down. We thought we would see road, but we say water. Yes, one little miscalculation and that big, wide, huge brown van we be over the side of the bridge or in oncoming traffic. You see, this was before the new 7 mile bridge. We were on that old, narrow two lane bridge that they blow up in movies nowadays. It was scarey back then.
We reached our destination of Cudjoe Key where we were stayin in one of my dad's friends house right on the water. I spent every moment of the day by the water and at night laying on my back looking at the stars. They were so bright here and so many. Never saw that back home in Kentucky. It was amazing.
One day, we loaded in the van and headed further South. Key West was in our sights. We had to get the van checked out before heading back to Kentucky. We pulled into Sears, dropped off the van and went to a movie. Now you say that's no big deal. I say, back then, the Searstown shopping center was just the Sears building. And the movie theatre was not where it is now. None of the hotels coming down Roosevelt were there. No McDonalds, no gas stations, nothing. It was just trees and sand with a few houses. But still, something called to me. I fell in love. Even as a kid, I knew that one day I would live in Key West.
I didn't get back down here until 1992, almost twenty years later. I was in Miami going to college and started making regular trips down for Fantasy Fest with my fraternity brothers. Now I was loving Key West for more than just the tropical island paradise that it was. I could enjoy the other side. The one Hemingway wrote about. The one Presidet Truman fell in love with. Once again the spark that ignited in me started to flutter alive and I gained a renewed interest in Key West.
Over the next 13 year I would make at least two or three trips down a year. Becoming very familiar with the area and people. Learning the in's and out's and still yearning for a taste of the island life. One day, I'm at work and my boss approaches me and asks, "How would you like to be the manager at the Key West Outback?". I'm stunned. You mean, I actually get to get paid for living in paradise? Sure. Now, I'm not stupid. I've been to and worked in the Outback there many times. I know the proprietor and some of the staff and I understand that it is not an easy store to work in. But I had to give it a try. For years, I had been turning them down about taking a management position. It seemed like the time was right. So off I went.
Gotta say, it wasn't the best decision of my life. But, the things I've been given since moving here are things I would never give back. My first year on the island was rough to say the least. I fell into the trap. Didn't handle my night life with my daytime job very well. The lines got skewed and I hated my job. Luckily, I only signed on for a year and promptly gave my notice when the time was right. Also lucky that I had made them put in the stipulation that if I didn't like the management position after the year, that I could step down back into the bartender/server/trainer position or relocate to an Outback of my choice. Well, I wanted to stay in Key West of course since by this time I had met the man of my dreams and had started, for the first time in my life, on a healthy and unselfish road full of true friends and a life based in honesty.
With the upcoming move near at hand, I believe a little look back is needed. Not only does it tell us where we are from, but where we are and where we are going. Every step is a new adventure and happiness has finally taken the lead. I will not forget the times I've here on the island. I've met a lot of interesting people and made some life long friends. I'll have my fond memories of walking Duval Street and standing on White Street pier looking at the stars. Endless nights of listening to scooters zoom by the house with my view of the graveyard and wishes of killing every rooster on the island. I will miss the crazy people, Camilles' breakfast and live music at the Parrot. I will live in Orlando, or wherever the day may take me, but my heart will be in Key West.... longing for another day in paradise.
This year, a friend of ours invited us out on his boat. It was a dream come true. Every year I sit on the rocks overlooking the coarse looking at the boats on the water salivating at how great it must be to see the races from out there. This year it came true. It was "I wish that was me" moments come true. I LOVED IT!!!!
While we were out there on the water, I started thinking about all the reasons I love Key West and what brought me here in the first place.
My first memory of Key West was from when I was a child of only 11 or 12. My dad brought us to Florida on family vacation and it was one of those trips that lasted forever. We came down the west coast thru Alligator alley, into Miami and down the keys. I remember looking out the windows of the van (one of the old old vans that my dad had spent a summer installing a bed, chairs, carpet, curtains, etc....one of those big, huge box vans) just watching the water and how the sun glinted off it. I almost got a little sick when we hit the seven mile bridge. (this is a true story). Dad looked back and told us all (my brother, sister and I) to sit down and be still. We didn't understand why. So, we didn't and he yelled louder and we did. We understood after looking out the window and looking straight down. We thought we would see road, but we say water. Yes, one little miscalculation and that big, wide, huge brown van we be over the side of the bridge or in oncoming traffic. You see, this was before the new 7 mile bridge. We were on that old, narrow two lane bridge that they blow up in movies nowadays. It was scarey back then.
We reached our destination of Cudjoe Key where we were stayin in one of my dad's friends house right on the water. I spent every moment of the day by the water and at night laying on my back looking at the stars. They were so bright here and so many. Never saw that back home in Kentucky. It was amazing.
One day, we loaded in the van and headed further South. Key West was in our sights. We had to get the van checked out before heading back to Kentucky. We pulled into Sears, dropped off the van and went to a movie. Now you say that's no big deal. I say, back then, the Searstown shopping center was just the Sears building. And the movie theatre was not where it is now. None of the hotels coming down Roosevelt were there. No McDonalds, no gas stations, nothing. It was just trees and sand with a few houses. But still, something called to me. I fell in love. Even as a kid, I knew that one day I would live in Key West.
I didn't get back down here until 1992, almost twenty years later. I was in Miami going to college and started making regular trips down for Fantasy Fest with my fraternity brothers. Now I was loving Key West for more than just the tropical island paradise that it was. I could enjoy the other side. The one Hemingway wrote about. The one Presidet Truman fell in love with. Once again the spark that ignited in me started to flutter alive and I gained a renewed interest in Key West.
Over the next 13 year I would make at least two or three trips down a year. Becoming very familiar with the area and people. Learning the in's and out's and still yearning for a taste of the island life. One day, I'm at work and my boss approaches me and asks, "How would you like to be the manager at the Key West Outback?". I'm stunned. You mean, I actually get to get paid for living in paradise? Sure. Now, I'm not stupid. I've been to and worked in the Outback there many times. I know the proprietor and some of the staff and I understand that it is not an easy store to work in. But I had to give it a try. For years, I had been turning them down about taking a management position. It seemed like the time was right. So off I went.
Gotta say, it wasn't the best decision of my life. But, the things I've been given since moving here are things I would never give back. My first year on the island was rough to say the least. I fell into the trap. Didn't handle my night life with my daytime job very well. The lines got skewed and I hated my job. Luckily, I only signed on for a year and promptly gave my notice when the time was right. Also lucky that I had made them put in the stipulation that if I didn't like the management position after the year, that I could step down back into the bartender/server/trainer position or relocate to an Outback of my choice. Well, I wanted to stay in Key West of course since by this time I had met the man of my dreams and had started, for the first time in my life, on a healthy and unselfish road full of true friends and a life based in honesty.
With the upcoming move near at hand, I believe a little look back is needed. Not only does it tell us where we are from, but where we are and where we are going. Every step is a new adventure and happiness has finally taken the lead. I will not forget the times I've here on the island. I've met a lot of interesting people and made some life long friends. I'll have my fond memories of walking Duval Street and standing on White Street pier looking at the stars. Endless nights of listening to scooters zoom by the house with my view of the graveyard and wishes of killing every rooster on the island. I will miss the crazy people, Camilles' breakfast and live music at the Parrot. I will live in Orlando, or wherever the day may take me, but my heart will be in Key West.... longing for another day in paradise.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Life in Music
Music has always been a great part of my life. I'm sure we can all say that when we hear a certain song it brings back memories. Whether it be high school, and old boy/girl-friend or even a family memory, they are there. I tend to think it a little different with me.
I used to take certain lines from songs and make it my mantra for a time. Like, when I was, gosh, 11 or so, there was a song "Don't Cry Out Loud". Part of the lyrics went "Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside, and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud, and if you should fall, remember you almost had it all". I kept this with me all through high school. And basically shut myself down to everyone. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings that were brewing inside me so I kept them all inside. It kept me from having a lot of friends and being afraid to show my true self.
But enough of that. What I want to get out today, is that to often, especially in todays youth, it isn't the words that people find important, its the rythem and the beat. I still think that songs that have meaningful words are the most important ones. I'm not saying we don't need Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" (it's nice to dance to) but a song that makes you think and feel; that you can relate part of your life to, is one you can hold on to forever.
Here is a little of the lyrics from a song called "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless. I wanted to use this song at the wedding but we just didn't get it in. If you like the lyrics, look it up on Youtube and listen to the complete song.
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do.
To me this is beautiful and relates to the last few years of my life. It also gives me inspiration to want to carry on and do more. Be better. But we all have times in our lives when, even when we seem to have it all together, we still find our faith a little shaken. And we start to wonder if the decisions we've made are correct. We know that if we just hold on, our faith will get us through and that the road we've chosen, whether right or wrong, will become clearer to us. The question remains, "How long does it take?" And then, it seems, that before we've had time to let our faith strengthen once again, something happens to shake it even more. So, we've had our doubts, they're starting to go away, and you get slammed again. More doubt. It's like a high interest loan. You just keep getting hit with those interst rates. When will it stop and where do you find a port in the storm?
I turn to music again. This one is one of my favorites (Chad hates it). "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus.
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep myhead held high
There's always going to be a nother mountain
I'm alwaysgoing to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Aint' about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb.
We all have our ways of dealing with pressure and life's little insecurities. The inspiration can be found in many ways. At one point I gave up looking and was ready to let it all go, but now I have a reason to fight and a reason to climb. My faith is strong, but it falters every now and then. Within this faith I can find the will to either continue down one path, or choose another.
I apologize if this post isn't up to my normal standards. You see, I'm having some doubts and feel a little lost and alone. I'm looking for some answers and I know they're out there, but I believe my faith is being tested. I just keep getting hit with one after the other and I need it to stop. I feel like I'm losing part of myself lately, and after fighting to get my life back on track, I just feel empty. I need a reboot.
All my love.
I used to take certain lines from songs and make it my mantra for a time. Like, when I was, gosh, 11 or so, there was a song "Don't Cry Out Loud". Part of the lyrics went "Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside, and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud, and if you should fall, remember you almost had it all". I kept this with me all through high school. And basically shut myself down to everyone. I didn't know how to deal with the feelings that were brewing inside me so I kept them all inside. It kept me from having a lot of friends and being afraid to show my true self.
But enough of that. What I want to get out today, is that to often, especially in todays youth, it isn't the words that people find important, its the rythem and the beat. I still think that songs that have meaningful words are the most important ones. I'm not saying we don't need Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" (it's nice to dance to) but a song that makes you think and feel; that you can relate part of your life to, is one you can hold on to forever.
Here is a little of the lyrics from a song called "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless. I wanted to use this song at the wedding but we just didn't get it in. If you like the lyrics, look it up on Youtube and listen to the complete song.
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do.
To me this is beautiful and relates to the last few years of my life. It also gives me inspiration to want to carry on and do more. Be better. But we all have times in our lives when, even when we seem to have it all together, we still find our faith a little shaken. And we start to wonder if the decisions we've made are correct. We know that if we just hold on, our faith will get us through and that the road we've chosen, whether right or wrong, will become clearer to us. The question remains, "How long does it take?" And then, it seems, that before we've had time to let our faith strengthen once again, something happens to shake it even more. So, we've had our doubts, they're starting to go away, and you get slammed again. More doubt. It's like a high interest loan. You just keep getting hit with those interst rates. When will it stop and where do you find a port in the storm?
I turn to music again. This one is one of my favorites (Chad hates it). "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus.
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep myhead held high
There's always going to be a nother mountain
I'm alwaysgoing to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Aint' about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb.
We all have our ways of dealing with pressure and life's little insecurities. The inspiration can be found in many ways. At one point I gave up looking and was ready to let it all go, but now I have a reason to fight and a reason to climb. My faith is strong, but it falters every now and then. Within this faith I can find the will to either continue down one path, or choose another.
I apologize if this post isn't up to my normal standards. You see, I'm having some doubts and feel a little lost and alone. I'm looking for some answers and I know they're out there, but I believe my faith is being tested. I just keep getting hit with one after the other and I need it to stop. I feel like I'm losing part of myself lately, and after fighting to get my life back on track, I just feel empty. I need a reboot.
All my love.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
A Change of Venue
It's amazing how the smallest things can bring people the most joy. For months, my man, Chad, has been in the dumps. You would think that after getting married that his stress level would drop and some happiness would return to his face. Well, it didn't. What the hell was going on with him? In my mind, I knew what the problem was, but I didn't think that it could affect him so badly. I look at things and make the best out of the situation and try not to let it bring me down. Not so much for Chad.
So, much to our surprise, it seems that we will be leaving Key West earlier than we thought. When I told him that we should leave as soon as possible, his face was unlike anything I've seen in a long time with him. it was pure happiness. Here, I thought that it was a simple thing, but to him, it was the world. It gave me great joy to make him happy. That's all I've been trying to do for a long time. He deserves it. We all deserve to be happy. And it cost me nothing.
I will be happy anywhere as long as long WE are together: He and I, me and all of you, and all the blessed friends we have made along the way.
So, mid December we are gone. We'll be there just in time for Christmas. Which is great since we always go to Orlando/Inverness for the holidays anyway. I will miss all my friends here. Since I became sober, I've developed safety nets and have a support structure in place in case I breakdown an stress myself out to much. Although, I don't rely on it to often. It will be difficult to establish this line of defense upon moving, but I have already started making the necessary arrangements. And every day gets a little easier for me to cope with the fact of moving. A few keystrokes and I've accessed the Orlando chapter of AA. Found several meeting sites and have talked to my sponsor about how the sponsor program works upon moving. I'll have to find a new one, but I know Haig will always be there for me if needed.
Chad on the other hand gets his joy back (ok, more joy since he already has me, heehee). He gets his lifelong friend, Jimmy, back. His sisters are just around the corner and a job that he truly enjoys is waiting for him. That's the real reason we are moving anyway. The cost of living on the Islan is to much, and even harder when you hate your job/boss. So, we all win in the end.
I'm happy he's happy. He's happy to be off the Island and back in a place he loves. I'm happy for a new adventure (there was one year I moved seven times). I look forward to meeting new friends and working in another Outback. This will be Outback #9 or 10, I lose track, but after 15 years I'm not looking for a new job. Just a change of venue.
So, much to our surprise, it seems that we will be leaving Key West earlier than we thought. When I told him that we should leave as soon as possible, his face was unlike anything I've seen in a long time with him. it was pure happiness. Here, I thought that it was a simple thing, but to him, it was the world. It gave me great joy to make him happy. That's all I've been trying to do for a long time. He deserves it. We all deserve to be happy. And it cost me nothing.
I will be happy anywhere as long as long WE are together: He and I, me and all of you, and all the blessed friends we have made along the way.
So, mid December we are gone. We'll be there just in time for Christmas. Which is great since we always go to Orlando/Inverness for the holidays anyway. I will miss all my friends here. Since I became sober, I've developed safety nets and have a support structure in place in case I breakdown an stress myself out to much. Although, I don't rely on it to often. It will be difficult to establish this line of defense upon moving, but I have already started making the necessary arrangements. And every day gets a little easier for me to cope with the fact of moving. A few keystrokes and I've accessed the Orlando chapter of AA. Found several meeting sites and have talked to my sponsor about how the sponsor program works upon moving. I'll have to find a new one, but I know Haig will always be there for me if needed.
Chad on the other hand gets his joy back (ok, more joy since he already has me, heehee). He gets his lifelong friend, Jimmy, back. His sisters are just around the corner and a job that he truly enjoys is waiting for him. That's the real reason we are moving anyway. The cost of living on the Islan is to much, and even harder when you hate your job/boss. So, we all win in the end.
I'm happy he's happy. He's happy to be off the Island and back in a place he loves. I'm happy for a new adventure (there was one year I moved seven times). I look forward to meeting new friends and working in another Outback. This will be Outback #9 or 10, I lose track, but after 15 years I'm not looking for a new job. Just a change of venue.
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