The Bend In The Road

No one ever knows the journey life will send you on.  There are so many cliches in regards to said reference that one could probably make a game of it.  "God works in mysterious ways", "Life is like a box of chocolates...", and so many others. I took the title of this post from a book by my favorite author, Nicholas Sparks. He writes all the tearjerker novels like "The Notebook", "A Walk to Remember", "Dear John", and so on.  As most of you know, I somewhat live in a fantasy world. I want the love story, the romance, the knight in shinning armor....the new found love of your life running through the airport begging you not to go.

Well, why do I write this you ask?!  I'm sitting in the airport in Lexington, Ky. where I just recently moved, awaiting my flight that will put me in Orlando where I will catch my connector flight to Dublin, Ireland wherein I will spend the next ten days. I've been planning this trip for about six months and I can't wait.

I wanted to take this trip because I was angry and decided that traveling would help me to get rid of the pain and become a starting over point in my life.  After my dad died and my relationship ended, I had this strength and focus I didn't know I had. I've made grown up decisions, putting my best foot forward and started acting like an adult. I never wanted to grow up. I always thought that I could ride the curtails of irresponsibility and still be ok. Well, you can't. There comes a time in your life when you have to let go of the fairy tale.  This doesn't mean that you can't revisit sometimes or turn it into a passion that can become fruitfull in the end. Just as long as you don't lose sight of the reality of it all.

Don't get me wrong.  There will always be a little Peter Pan inside me. Looking for his shadow and following the second star to the right.

This trip is for my father. I have searched to find his pride in me. To be accepted by him.  As an adult I knew I had it all along. As a child, it was something I could never attain. I feel him with at all times. Guiding me along a path we can both be proud of even when it isn't the path I would have chosen. I miss him so much. When we were children, I always complained because my turn on the back of the motorcycle wasn't as long as my brothers or sisters. Now I have him all to myself. I'm taking a trip with my dad.

This trip is also for me. A chance to let go of the hurt and pain. To find a new way to start this new chapter in my life and to put aside all the things that are holding me back.  I'm not afraid anymore. I am full of life and questions and wonder.  I want it all. And only I can hold myself back.

So don't be afraid of life. Don't let the unexplored become a crutch for your life. Use it. The way I see it, it's just a bend in the road.

Some Good Things Never Last

Earlier today I got some news that made me a little sad.  One of my favorite places in Key West is closing down.  Finnegans Wake is only one of many Irish pubs that dot the island but this one in particular holds special meaning to me.  For over 20 years I have been visiting this establishment.

When I was in college in Miami, my frat brothers and I would come down for different occasions (fantasy Fest being the biggest) and it wouldnt be a trip without stopping in at Finnegans.  It's the first time I tried a cider beer.  And loved it.  After graduation, began what would become years and years of traveling to Key West under the name of Outback Steakhouse.  Once again, Fantasy Fest was the main reason, but it soon became one of several reasons to visit the keys.  My friend Lara and I made several trips on our own because of men.  Finnegans would always be one of our stops.

During the course of one of these visits with my friend Amy, it became the meeting point.  We had gone down to help out at the Outback and work for a week (turned in to two) and met some people that would become lifelong friends.  All I can say is Fred's apartment on the dock isn't an apartment anymore.  Fred didn't marry Amy as I thought it would happen and we all still remember those long nights and jeep rides and things that would frighten fish.  And it usually started at Finnegans.  It where I developed my not-so-irish Irish accent (that I have been warned by a true Irishman to please not used for the 10 days I'm in Ireland or he's afraid I might not come back).

Later on, I moved to Key West and once again Finnegans was central to my life.  It became one of my favorite eating places.  The Mac and Cheese is just incredible.  It has cauliflower and broccoli in it and Irish bacon.  Amazing.  When I got out of rehab, Chad asked me what I wanted for dinner and I was craving a burger from Finnegans.  For St. Patty's day, they would clear all the tables out of the bar and block off the street on the side and it was THE place to be in Key West that wasn't on Duval Street.  It was the place I also told my boss that I was stepping down from management and staying at Outback since I had become involved with an employee and didn't want to leave. Still the best decision I ever made.

Last month I went back to KW to visit and I'm very happy now that Erica and I went there for dinner one night and we had the Mac and Cheese and I got my burger.  I'm sure there are many other things I just don't remember that happened there and I'm sure there will be many more good things to come to the place that takes over.  It's just so sad.....some good things never last.

Can Only Make Me Stronger

It's funny ya know.  Life never turns out the way we thought it would.  Lord knows mine has always been a roller coaster.  Now that I'm a little older though I'm ready for it settle down.  I'm ready to make roots and make something of my own.  Don't get me wrong, I'm always up for an adventure and a little travel.  Why, I'm going to Ireland in August and plan on an Alaskan cruise next year, but having a place to call my own is definetly on the to do list.

I say things never turn out the way we thought they would because life always takes us where we need to go.  I'm a firm believer that God has a plan for us and that all will be revealed in His time.  I also believe that people are brought into our lives for a reason.  And when we have learned all we can from them, then it is time to continue moving forward. What does need to happen from this time together is that both people grow and take with them all that they've learned in order to be better than they were before.  I'm proud to say I've had that experience and that because of you, I have changed for good.  Don't get me wrong, anyone that knows me will tell you I'm a hopeless romantic.  Hell, I just watched "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" just to get to the part at the end when Dolly sings "I Will Always Love You" and Burt swoops in, carries her to the truck and drives off in the sunset.  Maybe I have my hopes set to high, but I believe that there are people out there that believe as I do and we can all get our happy ending; our knight in shining armour; true loves kiss (the most powerful thing in the world, btw).  

In October my dad passed.  While I am still mourning his loss, it seems that I am charged with putting something else to rest too.  In November of the same year, I ended my five year relationship with my partner.  It's been tough dealing with both and since I've had to focus most of my attention on what is right in front of me, five months later I believe we have said our last goodbyes.  What I don't understand is why it hurts more now, than it did then.  I guess I left a little door open in my heart thinking there was a chance he was my prince on a horse.  Guess not.  I gave it my best shot.  Now it's time to focus on me.  I've got to deal with the loss of my father, finish my last semester of school, and try to make a home for me and my new puppy - Keeper.  I have always had the philosophy that we should treat people the way we would like to be treated.  I'm not saying I've held to it the way I should have, but it's something I've gotten back to and I'm trying my best to uphold even when it isn't in my best interest.  

In May I celebrate my five years of sobriety (hence my trip to Ireland) and by the end of the year I'll have my AA and will have applied for the nursing program.  I know it's a little later than I wanted but, like I said, life never turns out the way we thought it would.  But I hold these thrings to be true:  I am much stronger than I ever thought I was; I am capable of so much more than I ever imagined; and that which does not kill me, can only make me stronger.