I'm feeling very sentimental today. Not only is it my birthday (thank you everyone for the warm wishes), but it is also the day my loving husband proposed to me. It was two years ago today that I said, "Yes, I will marry you!" We've had our share of ups and downs, but I wouldn't give it up for the world. The things I've gotten from our bond are way more important to me than the things I had without. I love you Chad and can't wait for the rest of our lives to unfold. I feel a great many things are in store for us and it can only get better.
Today I've also been spending a lot of time in reflection over the past weekend. This past weekend I spent a lot of time with family. I helped my sister, Amy, move from Orlando to Knoxville and had a blast. It was great taking a road trip with her. She had never been on one before and it was great. Especially once we got into the mountains. The expressions on her face were priceless. But it was equally awesome to see the way she looked at the majesty of the mountains and trees with their brightly colored leaves. It's always an eye opener when you experience life through a different set of eyes.
I also took this trip to Tennessee to see my dad. As some of you may know, a few weeks ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia. It's been a very stressful and worrisome couple of weeks. I have to admit that when I saw him in the hospital, he looked better than I expected. Outside of a little hair loss, weight loss and being tired, he was still my dad. It was a little disconcerting to see him in that setting, but he looked good. We got good and bad news on Saturday. An early morning phone call from my step-mom told us that he was running a fever of 102. By early afternoon, the fever had broken and I went to see him. He was in good spirits and the doctor had just told him that his bone marrow test came back great and that there weren't any leukemia cells present. AWESOME!!!! He would have to stay in the hospital till his white blood cell count came back up and he regained his strength, but for the time being, he was out of the woods. The chemo had worked and now he would just have to have chemo on an outpatient basis after his release. Looks good.
I got to spend time with my brother and older sister, and even though we hadn't seen each other in a long time, we fell back into the same click that we always had. My sister the clown, my brother the serious one and me: the ever changing one. But for the first time in a long time I felt comfortable. I was me. I didn't have to try to be someone else or feel like I needed to hide anything. It didn't bother me, to just be me. And I feel great about that.
On the way to the airport that Sunday, I looked out the window at the East Tennessee countryside and for the first time ever after a visit, I wanted to stay. I wasn't bothered by the memories of all the bad things I had been through there and inflicted upon everyone else. I was able to think of the possibilities of what can come. What new future might develop and that I felt welcome to come back there at any time. I was free of the past and ready to move forward into a great tomorrow.
So....Chad, Amy, Joshua, Mike, Dawn, Mom, Dad, Connie, Courtney, Haig and all the other members of my family....immediate and extended, the Hawaiian/Samoan culture has a word for family that means all that touch and are meaningful in your life....Ohana. I love you all.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Hurricanes
It's funny how life sometimes mimics our surroundings. We have all experienced, in some fashion, the effects of Hurricane Irene over the past week. During that week, it felt like my own life the eye of the hurricane. Everything from school, work, relationship and family seemed to be in this great vortex sucking the very marrow from my bones.
Wow...dramatic huh??!!!! That's how it's been feeling. Very dramatic. Let's start with school. I talked to my nursing director about how I had planned out my nursing school career and she agreed with my timeline. The thing that sucked about it was how long I would have to wait after finishing my last pre-requisite before actually starting the program. As long as up to a year. The one good thing we did discuss (if you want to call it good) is that I qualify for a concurrent program where I can finish my AS and BS in Nursing at the same time. It will knock a year off me getting my Bachelor's degree. No problem. YEAH PROBLEM!!!!! It basically means that I have to take two classes from UCF at the same time I'm taking two from SSC. 13 credits a semester instead of 7. For anyone that knows nursing, that's a considerable amount more. Lecture in the morning, lab in the afternoon, and clinicals in the evening. Or anyway they want us to do them. Even on Saturday's. It's okay except that I wont be able to work at all.
That's where the relationship part comes in. Chad is already under a lot of stress. He found out he can graduate in December if he keeps applying himself the way he has. Shouldn't be a problem. Finish school, start work in a salon to get experience while still working at Outback, then make the big bucks and eventually own his own salon. Dreams are coming true. He can make it work, except I keep messing things up.
Me trying not to put more stress on him, is putting more stress on him. I'm trying my best to do things right and keep things on the straight and narrow and some how I keep messing it up. It isn't easy for me. After twenty-five years of doing things a certain way, and being an alcoholic. It isn't easy to change in only three years. I still have cravings. And there are days when I want to crawl back into the bottle and give up. But I don't. I handle the stress. I've got a great set of friends and an extended family that really care about me. But I still find the wall going back up. So, as my sponsor would say, time to get back to the basics. Go back to the things that knocked the wall down in the first place and get my lines of defense re-established. Keep on plugging.
Just as I get all that straightened out, I get a phone call from sister. My dad is in the hospital and has been diagnosed with leukemia. WOW!!! So he's undergoing chemotherapy-agressively-seven days on seven days off then testing to see if it's in remission. If not, then they start over. He's in great physical shape so not a problem except for his age. But, he's a fighter and can beat it. He better. There are still a lot of things I need to say to him. So many things I need to apologize for. So many amends still need to be made and I can't sleep at night knowing I may lose him before I tell him. I want him to see me graduate nursing school and actually be the son he knew I could be. I love him and I need him to see tht. Hang in there dad. I'm coming.
So, that only leaves work. Which hasn't been that bad, except that it's been slow. September is traditionally the slowest time of the year. Although I've had a great August, paying for school and buying a new car has depleted both our savings. Come on LOTTO. Anyone wanting to make a donation to the "Crafty and Chad College Fund" may do so by inquiring at www.idontwanttoeatramennoodlesforthenexttwoyears.com. The only thing I can do is pray. Give it all up to God and have faith that all things will be taken care of. We've handled worse than this and survived and I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I wish it would be enough already. Also forgot to mention that September, is traditionally the worst month for .....HURRICANES.
Wow...dramatic huh??!!!! That's how it's been feeling. Very dramatic. Let's start with school. I talked to my nursing director about how I had planned out my nursing school career and she agreed with my timeline. The thing that sucked about it was how long I would have to wait after finishing my last pre-requisite before actually starting the program. As long as up to a year. The one good thing we did discuss (if you want to call it good) is that I qualify for a concurrent program where I can finish my AS and BS in Nursing at the same time. It will knock a year off me getting my Bachelor's degree. No problem. YEAH PROBLEM!!!!! It basically means that I have to take two classes from UCF at the same time I'm taking two from SSC. 13 credits a semester instead of 7. For anyone that knows nursing, that's a considerable amount more. Lecture in the morning, lab in the afternoon, and clinicals in the evening. Or anyway they want us to do them. Even on Saturday's. It's okay except that I wont be able to work at all.
That's where the relationship part comes in. Chad is already under a lot of stress. He found out he can graduate in December if he keeps applying himself the way he has. Shouldn't be a problem. Finish school, start work in a salon to get experience while still working at Outback, then make the big bucks and eventually own his own salon. Dreams are coming true. He can make it work, except I keep messing things up.
Me trying not to put more stress on him, is putting more stress on him. I'm trying my best to do things right and keep things on the straight and narrow and some how I keep messing it up. It isn't easy for me. After twenty-five years of doing things a certain way, and being an alcoholic. It isn't easy to change in only three years. I still have cravings. And there are days when I want to crawl back into the bottle and give up. But I don't. I handle the stress. I've got a great set of friends and an extended family that really care about me. But I still find the wall going back up. So, as my sponsor would say, time to get back to the basics. Go back to the things that knocked the wall down in the first place and get my lines of defense re-established. Keep on plugging.
Just as I get all that straightened out, I get a phone call from sister. My dad is in the hospital and has been diagnosed with leukemia. WOW!!! So he's undergoing chemotherapy-agressively-seven days on seven days off then testing to see if it's in remission. If not, then they start over. He's in great physical shape so not a problem except for his age. But, he's a fighter and can beat it. He better. There are still a lot of things I need to say to him. So many things I need to apologize for. So many amends still need to be made and I can't sleep at night knowing I may lose him before I tell him. I want him to see me graduate nursing school and actually be the son he knew I could be. I love him and I need him to see tht. Hang in there dad. I'm coming.
So, that only leaves work. Which hasn't been that bad, except that it's been slow. September is traditionally the slowest time of the year. Although I've had a great August, paying for school and buying a new car has depleted both our savings. Come on LOTTO. Anyone wanting to make a donation to the "Crafty and Chad College Fund" may do so by inquiring at www.idontwanttoeatramennoodlesforthenexttwoyears.com. The only thing I can do is pray. Give it all up to God and have faith that all things will be taken care of. We've handled worse than this and survived and I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I wish it would be enough already. Also forgot to mention that September, is traditionally the worst month for .....HURRICANES.
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