Hammertime

Seems lime its been a long time since I've written.  A lot has happened.  I spent a week in Key West; enrolled in college (again); my mom came for a visit and we've moved (again).  Oh, and I've just celebrated my two year anniversary of being sober.

All of these things are a positive in my life.  Its proved to me that I am stronger than I ever believed I could be.  It has also shown me that things do work out for the best and that sometimes we need to make it happen and not just what for it to fall into my lap (thank you Chad for showing me this and being patient with me in your own unique way).

So why do I feel like I'm waiting for the hammer to drop.

I guess its because my whole life, anytime I've experienced a period of happiness, I've done something to fuck it up.  For example, my life with Chad.  I'm finding it hard to find that even ground.  When he's having a bad day, I try to make him laugh and bring him up.  When it rreally starts annoying him I back off and he thinks I'm upset.  My wanting to give him nothing but happiness, ends up in turmoil and hurt.  Its never my intention to upset him, but it happens.  It just always seems that its my fault.  Even when it isn't.  But that's my own paranoia and anxiety over losing him.  I just don't know what to do sometimes.  I take it all in because I want to be there for him. And it seems, at least to me, that I'm always letting him down. 

It hurts so much sometimes that I wonder Still myself if it wouldn't be easier if we weren't together.  Then I look back at where we were before we met.  I was ready to let it all go.  Didn't care what happened to me.   He was aimless and wandering.  And now, with little jolts of pain here and there, we are both enrolled in school, looking forward to buying our own house in a few years, and trying our best to find love in every situation. 

So, with all the good that's come in our lives, I say to the bad and negative, "Its hammertime".

Breakfast. My last day in Key West.

This ones for Angela.  I had my breakfast. And a little dessert too.

Sunrise

So....it isn't often that we find time to have quiet time in ourAs with all things it takes work.   lives.  To often we are weighed down with all the daily burdens of life: work, relationships, school, etc.... But an opportunity presented itself to me and it has turned out to be just the thing I needed.  A chance to reconnect to things forgotten or put on the back burner.  A chance to clear my mind and think about the future. 

I'm in Key West this week on a little working vacation.  It started out as a chance to help my old boss, Brian, and has turned out that I'm the one that needed the help. 

I thought I could handle the move to Orlando.   That I would be happy.  Well I'm not.  Not yet anyway.  But its getting better all the time.  I guess I thought it would be easier.  I met with my AA sponsor after a meeting yesterday and we talked about things. 

Why did I think it would be easy?

As with all things, its gonna take work.  He told me I need to ground myself again.  That I had let the things that made me happy in Key West seem unavailable in Orlando.  That its there if I let it in.  He's so right.

When the plane landed in Key West I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  Yes, happy to be here but relaxed at the same time.  Guard down.  Yesterday I realized the whole time I've been in Orlando I've been waiting.  Maybe waiting to go back to Key West or for an opportunity to drop at my feet.  I should have been embracing what I have; thanking God for everything he's given me these past two (in 11 days) years; and giving back all that I can. 

As you can see, I've realized a few things.  I have more than most so shut up and be thankful; stop the self-pity crap and MAKE myself happy; and that I have the best, most supportive husband ever. 

Its amazing what you can learn about yourself with just one sunrise.