Cry

Why don't things work out the way we plan or hope they will?  Only our higher power knows.  I'm sitting here on the couch on the verge of tears bWecause my man is having a bad day.

We went to our mortgage guy this morning.  Things are moving along fine but we still have a few more months to go.  Money continues to be a problem as we are not making what we were used to in key west.

Things shouldn't be this hard and I look at Chad and want to just hold him and tell him everything will be alright.  I wish it was that easy.

I heard someone say once that men have an overwhelming desire to provide for their families and this sense to provide can sometimes override them to a point of obsession.  This is my man.  It makes me want to do everything I can to ease his pain.  Usually I overdo it by trying to make him laugh; take his mind away from all the stress.  This usually backfires on me and I end up getting my feelings hurt.  How selfish I am.

So the best thing we can do, I've heard,  is to let him know them know we're here if they need us.  Try to be as supportive as possible and take a little burden off their shoulders.   As I've said before, relationships take a lot of work.  Sometimes the only thing you can do is have a little cry.

Understanding

Ever feel like you're trying harder in the relationship than your partner?  That maybe your goals for the future just aren't the same?  That you need to get away for a while and appreciate what you have?  That's how I've been feeling lately. 

Now don't jump to conclusions.  Read on.  I love the life that I have now.  Chad and I have created a very comfortable existence for ourselves.  Yes, there's always the want for better and more,but I propose this:  If you have had a hard, unhappy past several years of your life, wouldn't you want to take time and enjoy the happiness you finally found for a while before traversing the road of difficult once again?

Chad wants me to go back to school.  "Don't you want to better yourself?" He says.  I understand he's only looking out for my best interest.  But maybe I don't wanna do all that again.  Maybe its not the right time for me.  Maybe I wanna stay home and take care of our house and dogs.  I'll still work of course.  I just want the chance to enjoy our lives together for a while before jumping into something where we will never get to see each other. 

It drives me crazy that he's always pushing and driving.  Never taking a moment to enjoy what he's got.    All I'm looking for is a little understanding. 

Early Mornings

More often than not, I find myself awake in the wee hours of the morn after very little sleep.  I don't mind.  The time spent alone in solitude is great for personal reflection and catching up on little things that you seem to never have the time for (caught up on your blogs Angela, sorry!!).  There's just so much going through my mind that if, no, when I wake up to take the dogs out in the middle of the night, I just can't seem to find that restful point in which to slip back in to slumberland.

I should be able to.  It's not like I don't do anything on my days off to make me tired.  And I know there are days when I wish I could take naps on the couch but time does not permit.  SO I don't understand the cruelty of life in this aspect.  When you should, you can't.  And when you can't, you really need to.  Crazy!!!!

Chad and I started a new diet this month.  It's been very successful, and a little nerve racking.  We both have just been miserable.  We gained a lot of weight over the past year with him stopping smoking and before that with me not drinking.  It's amazing how the mind controls what we do to our bodies.  When I stopped drinking, I craved sugar.  Usually in the form of Ben and Jerry's.  BAM!!!  Gained 25 pounds.  And Chad being the supportive type that he is, would join me on the couch for the gorge fest.  When Chad, stopped smoking, we continued the tradition by replacing a cig with a pint of ice cream. BAM!!!!  gained another 20. 

So, here we both are after moving to Orlando, which didn't stop the onslaught of creamy goodness, it just perpetuated it a little more.  Me, from being a little depressed for leaving Key West and my supportive husband trying to handle the stress of relocation and buying a house (always trying to be the provider, love him for that).  Well, here we are unable to wear most of our clothes and being total grumps about it. Time to do something.  We've tried fad diets and expensive diets which never seem to work.  Usually because they were too expensive or just inconvenient with our schedules.  After looking around, we finally found one we could be okay with.

Once a week we go to Inverness (about and hour and a half from Orlando) to see the doctor.  While there, we get weighed-in, have our food journals looked at and receive injections of B12 and a combination of other things that help our bodies convert complex carbs into a substance the body can easily get rid of and that helps the body burn fat instead of muscle.  We also take an appetite suppressant before eating which has helped us reduce our intake and increase our metabolism. Plus we've started working out.  All in all, not a bad way to educate ourselves on how to treat our bodies with a little respect.  The low carb diet is also very easily managed with our schedules since we can eat almost everything at work without much alteration of the menu (no fried foods and very little butter; no starch or pasta, etc....). 

After a month of being good and doing to the doctor once a week, Chad has lost a little over 16 pounds (great job) and I have lost a little over 21.  My goal weight is 206 and I'm at 225 right now.  Another two months and I'll be golden.  Chad too.  He's right on target.  It just amazes me that when we weigh-in we are both a little disappointed. We have a good week:  exercise three to four times a week, we are eating right and drinking plenty of water.  But still, when the nurse looks at you and says, "Your down another 3.8 pounds." (which is good) in my head I'm saying, "Damn, I wanted 10."  Felt like 10.  Worked hard enough for 10.  Damn, 3.8!!??!?!   Oh, well.  I try to not be discouraged.  21 pounds in a month is still very, very good.  I guess I know now what the contestants on Biggest Loser feel like when they get on the scale and only get a 1 or 2.  It sucks!!!!!  Not that I'm working as hard as they are, but it's the mental aspect of the game.  You feel like you deserve more.

I've been up for almost two hours now.  Chad came out and went to the bathroom, gave me a kiss on the head, and went back to bed.  I'm gonna wake him up in an hour so we can hit the gym.  Well, he can at least.  I forgot that Bare (our big little puppy) has a vet appointment at ten.  I've gotta take him since Chad has to go to work.  So, I hope to come home from the vet, take a little nap, and then hit the gym this afternoon.  Who knows what will happen.  I can always look forward to another early morning.