Today is the anniversary of my sobriety. Eleven years today. This past year has flown by but upon reflection, it’s been a great year (aside from Covid19 that is). And I think that is worth celebrating.
Last May I was in Alaska during this time and it was amazing. Coming home from that, I spent some time with one of nieces and my great niece and nephews (there’s another one on the way for next year). Worked a bunch and spent more time with family over the holidays. That’s what I’ll remember about the last year. Being with my family. I’ve spent some time trying to repair damage that I brought about while I was still drinking. And although family loves you unconditionally, lots of pain can be inflicted unintentionally. I thought by distancing myself, I was protecting them. It’s actually just the opposite. I realized that it was fear that motivated me to stay away. Fear controlled my life then and it was torture. Afraid to ask for help. Afraid of being truly myself. Afraid that if I let go of all that fear, I’d be truly alone.
So, here we are 11 years later and I’m not alone. I’m not afraid and I have more love than I ever thought possible. I did hurt a lot of people back then and I am truly sorry. Sometimes the guilt is overwhelming and I break down in tears. I still owe amends to a lot of people and I am still working on that. For I am a work in progress, and God is not done with me yet.
So I leave you with the lyrics to one of my new favorite songs. For we all have Scars.
Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
‘Cause my brokenness brought me to you
And these wounds are a story you’ll use
So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who you are
So forever I am thankful for the scars
Now I’m standing in confidence
With the strength of your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before
No, I don’t have to fear anymore
Scars by I Am They
Wednesday, May 13, 2020
Monday, April 6, 2020
Life is a Highway
The middle of a Pandemic seems like a good time to pick up my blog. It's been many years now and as always things have changed. I encourage you to go back and read some of my earlier posts going back 10 years now. Wow....ten years. Once you've caught up, maybe some of this will make better sense. Maybe not. Anyway, I believe it to be a fun read.
Pandemic.... this virus has swept across the face of the globe and has reached into almost every corner. There are still some isolated areas out there fighting this thing and having a success. That gives me hope that there is a chance for the rest of us even when everything else says differently. We see numbers rise and others fall. There's talk that the true number of deaths and cases in the U.S. and other countries is being held back. We see on social media every day that the numbers just don't add up. Conspiracy theories aside, it just doesn't matter.
Why doesn't it matter you ask? Well, for the time being, there isn't anything we can do. Sure it makes some people feel better to rant and rave and place blame. But the truth is... we don't have much choice. Choices have been taken away from us. The one truth I do see in all this is... that it isn't going away anytime soon. We can social distance the hell out of one another, but the worst is yet to come and I believe we all know this. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
So, as I do with most thing, I try to make the best of the worst situation. Laugh in the face of adversity. Organize and plan. You see, I'm still essential. Don't know how a restaurant worker is deemed essential, but I am. And I'm happy about it. Yes, there are times when I want to hunker down like most everyone else I know and stay home all day and night with my two fur babies. But I go stir crazy on my days off. And I can't let my work family down. These adults I call my kids mean a great deal to me. I'll do whatever possible to keep them safe. I can't imagine what it would be like to stay in 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No way. Sure, we can still go for walks and exercise as long as we stay 6 feet away, but shit it's scary out there. I don't even like going to the grocery store. I have a friend who has become agoraphobic because of this. Afraid to leave the house. Causes her massive panic attacks.
And then there are the compromised people. Immune deficient, elderly, respitory difficulties, etc....
People joke about how it's the planets way of cleansing itself and resetting. Sure. I get that. I mean pictures from space clearly show pollution levels have dropped across the globe. Awesome. But, the Flu kills more people every year than what we've seen so far (if the numbers are right). So how long will the clean air last. A month, two months after things go back to normal? Will we learn anything from what is happening right now. Will it make a difference.
I hope so. HOPE. A four letter word that means so much. Pair it with a word that has kept me sober for 11 years (sorry, had to get it in there somehow)... FAITH. Faith, a belief in something higher than ourselves that will lead us to where we need to be. Even as a child, my faith that there was some reason for me to be kept alive when I shouldn't be kept me going. GOD, some higher power, some belief that we are not the center of the universe and that there is something out there greater than us is what motivates millions.
That's what we have to keep alive: hope and faith. Hope that this will end soon with a better outcome than when we started. And Faith that everything is going to work out the way it should. It has too. Even if it really is some conspiracy by the world governments for whatever reason, this should reshape the face of the planet. Teach us the spirit of global cooperation. Teach us that together we can overcome anything. But it's time to make changes. Whether political, religious or personal. Change is what will lead us to the next plane of our existence. Do all things through Love and whether it was wrong or right, the intention behind will be known. We are all just travelers here because life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it all life long.
Pandemic.... this virus has swept across the face of the globe and has reached into almost every corner. There are still some isolated areas out there fighting this thing and having a success. That gives me hope that there is a chance for the rest of us even when everything else says differently. We see numbers rise and others fall. There's talk that the true number of deaths and cases in the U.S. and other countries is being held back. We see on social media every day that the numbers just don't add up. Conspiracy theories aside, it just doesn't matter.
Why doesn't it matter you ask? Well, for the time being, there isn't anything we can do. Sure it makes some people feel better to rant and rave and place blame. But the truth is... we don't have much choice. Choices have been taken away from us. The one truth I do see in all this is... that it isn't going away anytime soon. We can social distance the hell out of one another, but the worst is yet to come and I believe we all know this. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
So, as I do with most thing, I try to make the best of the worst situation. Laugh in the face of adversity. Organize and plan. You see, I'm still essential. Don't know how a restaurant worker is deemed essential, but I am. And I'm happy about it. Yes, there are times when I want to hunker down like most everyone else I know and stay home all day and night with my two fur babies. But I go stir crazy on my days off. And I can't let my work family down. These adults I call my kids mean a great deal to me. I'll do whatever possible to keep them safe. I can't imagine what it would be like to stay in 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No way. Sure, we can still go for walks and exercise as long as we stay 6 feet away, but shit it's scary out there. I don't even like going to the grocery store. I have a friend who has become agoraphobic because of this. Afraid to leave the house. Causes her massive panic attacks.
And then there are the compromised people. Immune deficient, elderly, respitory difficulties, etc....
People joke about how it's the planets way of cleansing itself and resetting. Sure. I get that. I mean pictures from space clearly show pollution levels have dropped across the globe. Awesome. But, the Flu kills more people every year than what we've seen so far (if the numbers are right). So how long will the clean air last. A month, two months after things go back to normal? Will we learn anything from what is happening right now. Will it make a difference.
I hope so. HOPE. A four letter word that means so much. Pair it with a word that has kept me sober for 11 years (sorry, had to get it in there somehow)... FAITH. Faith, a belief in something higher than ourselves that will lead us to where we need to be. Even as a child, my faith that there was some reason for me to be kept alive when I shouldn't be kept me going. GOD, some higher power, some belief that we are not the center of the universe and that there is something out there greater than us is what motivates millions.
That's what we have to keep alive: hope and faith. Hope that this will end soon with a better outcome than when we started. And Faith that everything is going to work out the way it should. It has too. Even if it really is some conspiracy by the world governments for whatever reason, this should reshape the face of the planet. Teach us the spirit of global cooperation. Teach us that together we can overcome anything. But it's time to make changes. Whether political, religious or personal. Change is what will lead us to the next plane of our existence. Do all things through Love and whether it was wrong or right, the intention behind will be known. We are all just travelers here because life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it all life long.
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