I just had one of the best weeks ever!!! I flew to NY for the wedding of the brother of my old roommate from Key West and my secret girlfriend-Angela. Yes, Allison's little brother Bobbie got married this weekend and I was proud that I got the chance to be here. By the way....it was nothing short of SPECTACULAR. A true New York wedding.
It started when Allison picked me up from the airport. She always does things with her own little pinch of the unexpected. She brought a pizza. It was fabulous. I love a great new york style pizza. Then off to the Outback of course. Not to eat, but work. She never stops.
Suse and Bobbie are the perfect couple (aside from me and Chad, of course). They complement each other so well. And Suse, nothing short of a saint. I'm frazzeled after just four days with the Storchevoy's and she married into the family. All in jest of course. I love this family. All of them. They truly know how to take you in and treat you like you've been a part of them forever. It's dizzying to say the least. But it was beautiful. More food than you could ever imagine, beer, wine, scotch, scotch scotch. How they love scotch. Every day was something new and one more morsel of great food to try that I've never had before. One thing about the New York Italian....they know their food and there is always plenty around.
I couldn't wait to get here and spend time with my extended family. The only thing missing was Chad. Because of jobs, it just wasn't feasible for both of us to come. So knowing that my girlfriend was here, he let me come to this event. I Thank You greatly for that. It meant the world to me. But I have to say, that several times throughout the night, I looked up and missed you dearly. I was waiting for the scene from "My Best Friends Wedding" to happen. Waiting for my phone to ring and it be you. We start talking and all the sudden I realize that you're pointing out things that you could only know if you were at the wedding. The crowd parts and there you are. Dressed and looking amazing. And then we dance the night away.
I always live in a fairy tale zone. You can never know when I'm in one, but its there. Why can't we have our fairy tales? It's the hope of something unexpected and wonderful that drives me toward the next moment and the next. Happiness is only a heart beat away. It is what we make of it. I'm happy in my life. Amazed at where I've come from a few short years ago. Blessed to have all the wonderful people in my life like the Storchevoys, the Fallons, and never least, the Crafts. As I'm sitting here waiting for Allison to get home, I realize that all we have is each other and all of it can be taken away from us. So, let's enjoy each other, the day, the year and the life because it can all be over in a New York Minute.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Almost 50
It's three in the morning and I can't sleep. Nothing unusual. It happens all the time. Chad is snoring and occasionally will grunt because his feet can't touch mine, but, he'll keep on snoring and not remember a thing in the morning. I guess the reason for my restlessness this particular morning is that my birthday is coming up on Wednesday. I'll turn the ripe young age of 46. No big deal right? Wrong!!
Just yesterday, I was 25. Running around having a great time, living life to the fullest without a care in the world. Today, well, in two days, I'll be 4 years from 50. 50!!! My God, when did this happen. I've never really cared about my age. I've always looked younger than I really am and led my life without care of my age, but now??!!! Why is it that now I look in the mirror and see that I've wasted part of my life and the questions of things I would have done over seem to loom over my head? I mean, I 've seen more and done more than some people will ever have done in their entire lifetime and I still have plenty of life left in me, but now I see those little hairs growing in my ears, all the grey hair in my temples and the aches and pains of working two jobs taking their toll on me faster and faster. Recovery isn't what it used to be and even though I don't drink anymore, half the time I feel like I've been on a three day bender and just want to hide away from the world and not move for a whole day. OUCH!!!
I have seen the Berlin Wall before it came down. Been to the top of the Swiss/Italian Alps and been on a gondola ride on the waterways in Venice. I've seen Ayers Rock and been to the top of the Eiffel Tower. Twice. I've seen the waves crash on the north shore of Hawai'i, jumped from an airplane and ridden in a tank. I've sat on a rock in Gibraltar and smelled the spices on the air as it crossed the straits from Morocco. Vegas is one of my favorite cities and standing on the Hoover Dam still gives me the chills. LA isn't all it's cracked up to be and anyone that doesn't cry at Arlington Cemetery or the Vietnam Memorial in DC is an alien. Did you know it's a 24 hour train ride from Amsterdam to Madrid and one of the funniest things I've ever seen/heard is the original Dracula movie in Spanish with English subtitles. I don't know why, it just is. And if you ever get the chance to live in Key West, do it. It will change your life.
But yet, I want more. All of those things were great and I'll never forget them or all the things I didn't mention, but now that I have someone in my life, I want to do them all again and show him why they mean so much to me and then create new memories of different places with him. We have plans to travel and now that he is finished with school and starting his career, that goal isn't that far away. I've got a lot to look forward to. And even though life is a little rough right now, I've got to focus on the best parts of it. We are surrounded by incredible family and friends. And now that we don't live in Orlando anymore and I'm not feeling choked by the unfriendliness of it, I feel better than I have in a long time. I really like this new chapter in my life and look forward to getting settled into it.
So, although life moves on and it's marching across my face, it's important to stay young in spirit and in heart. I always have and hope I always will. I guess it's good to reflect on your life and hone your focus on where you want to go and what you need to do to get there. I just need to say to myself that everything is okay and who cares if your almost 50.
Just yesterday, I was 25. Running around having a great time, living life to the fullest without a care in the world. Today, well, in two days, I'll be 4 years from 50. 50!!! My God, when did this happen. I've never really cared about my age. I've always looked younger than I really am and led my life without care of my age, but now??!!! Why is it that now I look in the mirror and see that I've wasted part of my life and the questions of things I would have done over seem to loom over my head? I mean, I 've seen more and done more than some people will ever have done in their entire lifetime and I still have plenty of life left in me, but now I see those little hairs growing in my ears, all the grey hair in my temples and the aches and pains of working two jobs taking their toll on me faster and faster. Recovery isn't what it used to be and even though I don't drink anymore, half the time I feel like I've been on a three day bender and just want to hide away from the world and not move for a whole day. OUCH!!!
I have seen the Berlin Wall before it came down. Been to the top of the Swiss/Italian Alps and been on a gondola ride on the waterways in Venice. I've seen Ayers Rock and been to the top of the Eiffel Tower. Twice. I've seen the waves crash on the north shore of Hawai'i, jumped from an airplane and ridden in a tank. I've sat on a rock in Gibraltar and smelled the spices on the air as it crossed the straits from Morocco. Vegas is one of my favorite cities and standing on the Hoover Dam still gives me the chills. LA isn't all it's cracked up to be and anyone that doesn't cry at Arlington Cemetery or the Vietnam Memorial in DC is an alien. Did you know it's a 24 hour train ride from Amsterdam to Madrid and one of the funniest things I've ever seen/heard is the original Dracula movie in Spanish with English subtitles. I don't know why, it just is. And if you ever get the chance to live in Key West, do it. It will change your life.
But yet, I want more. All of those things were great and I'll never forget them or all the things I didn't mention, but now that I have someone in my life, I want to do them all again and show him why they mean so much to me and then create new memories of different places with him. We have plans to travel and now that he is finished with school and starting his career, that goal isn't that far away. I've got a lot to look forward to. And even though life is a little rough right now, I've got to focus on the best parts of it. We are surrounded by incredible family and friends. And now that we don't live in Orlando anymore and I'm not feeling choked by the unfriendliness of it, I feel better than I have in a long time. I really like this new chapter in my life and look forward to getting settled into it.
So, although life moves on and it's marching across my face, it's important to stay young in spirit and in heart. I always have and hope I always will. I guess it's good to reflect on your life and hone your focus on where you want to go and what you need to do to get there. I just need to say to myself that everything is okay and who cares if your almost 50.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
No One Said It Would Be Easy
I've started several blogs over the past month and haven't finished a one. I always seem to have a great topic when I start and then I lose enthusiasm and forget my train of thought. Why is that? There was a time when I could write for hours and never run out of things to say. Now, there is just so much going on in my head and so much I would like to write about, but never seem to have the time or energy.
I think one of the biggest things that holds me back is that I'm afraid of saying something that will hurt someone's feelings. The whole point of the blog was for me to get all the things I keep bottled up inside me out. Since I was a child, I've always had trouble saying what's on my mind, or speaking up when spoken to. Once again, fear ran my life.
I talked to my dad today. I finally told him that I was sorry for not being the son he deserved in my younger years and now that I've stopped drinking, it has been on my mind a lot of how badly I treated him and my immediate family. He said to me "I couldv'e been a lot worse" and "I wasn't that bad". He understood that I was going through a lot and didn't feel like I could talk to anyone. So, there it is. We are okay and I got to say the things I wanted to say to him. By the way, he's doing much better. He says he has more energy every day and that all his latest tests have come back great with no signs of the cancer. He's optimistic and hoping for the best. Me too.
The one thing he told me was to keep going in school and to keep trying my best. He has the upmost faith in me and knows that Chad and I will find happiness and can't wait for us to come home and see him. Takes a lot off my mind.
Lately, It's like I've been waiting for a bomb to drop. Things seem to be going great. Money is a little tight and that always causes stress, but I see that coming to an end. Chad only has about six weeks of school left and then he can concentrate more on getting a job in a salon and I can spend more time in school. Just a couple of years and I'll be done and we can do all the things we want to do: travel, vacation, have our dream cars and house. Can't wait. Just a few hurdles to overcome and all can be ours. I know it's cliche, but its true....No one ever said it would be easy.
I think one of the biggest things that holds me back is that I'm afraid of saying something that will hurt someone's feelings. The whole point of the blog was for me to get all the things I keep bottled up inside me out. Since I was a child, I've always had trouble saying what's on my mind, or speaking up when spoken to. Once again, fear ran my life.
I talked to my dad today. I finally told him that I was sorry for not being the son he deserved in my younger years and now that I've stopped drinking, it has been on my mind a lot of how badly I treated him and my immediate family. He said to me "I couldv'e been a lot worse" and "I wasn't that bad". He understood that I was going through a lot and didn't feel like I could talk to anyone. So, there it is. We are okay and I got to say the things I wanted to say to him. By the way, he's doing much better. He says he has more energy every day and that all his latest tests have come back great with no signs of the cancer. He's optimistic and hoping for the best. Me too.
The one thing he told me was to keep going in school and to keep trying my best. He has the upmost faith in me and knows that Chad and I will find happiness and can't wait for us to come home and see him. Takes a lot off my mind.
Lately, It's like I've been waiting for a bomb to drop. Things seem to be going great. Money is a little tight and that always causes stress, but I see that coming to an end. Chad only has about six weeks of school left and then he can concentrate more on getting a job in a salon and I can spend more time in school. Just a couple of years and I'll be done and we can do all the things we want to do: travel, vacation, have our dream cars and house. Can't wait. Just a few hurdles to overcome and all can be ours. I know it's cliche, but its true....No one ever said it would be easy.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Dad
I've been thinking a lot about my father lately. As some of you may know, he's been fighting leukemia since September. He seems to be okay now. Still going through outpatient chemotherapy, but his, white blood count is up and seems to be doing better everyday. It was touch and go there for a while and I even got to see him on my birthday weekend. He was still in the hospital undergoing his first round of chemo, but I hope that my visit gave him comfort. It did for me.
What's been making me think about him even more than I already do, is a horoscope that came my way via facebook. To paraphrase, "You will come into a large inheritance this year." Wow...kinda scary. It's enough that I have to live with the fact that I may lose my dad sooner than I thought I would, but then to have it spit in my face over facebook is something else all together. Now, I don't put much stock in horoscopes, but Jesus Christ, please, enough is enough.
So what have I been thinking about? Well...I blamed him for a lot of things that went wrong in my life. I shouldn't have, but I did. I blamed him for being alone all the time. There were three siblings in my family and I was the youngest. Whenever Dad would do things with the kids, I was always last and never got as much time or attention as my sister and brother. For instance, he owned a motorcycle and would sometimes give us rides. Well, when it came my turn, it was always shorter and sometimes not at all.
When my parents divorced, I chose to live with my Dad. In my mind, it was a chance to get closer to him. To finally get the love and attention that I so wanted and needed. It turned out to backfire in my face. I was told that I would get myself up and ready for school. If I wanted breakfast then I would make my own. The school bus wouldn't stop at our apartment so it was up to me to get there on my own. No big deal since we lived less than a mile from the house, but when it rained.... well, I got wet. Very wet. When we talked about it, he said I should make friends that would pick me up or give me a ride. Sure...easy...no way! I was the new kid. Straight out of Kentucky and shy. So shy. It took me half a year to make a friend and that was only because I was in the band. Still alone.
I started drinking in high school. Senior year. Found out that I could kill most of the pain and anger of being gay and awkward. Also worked to mask the frustration that I so eagerly wanted the affection of my father and knew I would never get it. It wasn't easy going through life so early knowing I didn't have a chance because I would always be afraid to stand up to the one man I needed more in my life than anyone else.
So when the opportunity arose, I got out. Not without making a fool of myself and without hurting him more than I ever wanted to. No one deserves what I did to him. He didn't deserve it. All he ever tried to do was make me strong and independent. Responsible. And I threw it all back in his face. Not much of a man or a son.
When he came to my wedding, it was one of the happiest days of my life. I had been sober for little over a year and seeing him made a lot of things come together. But still I let fear run my life. I've been trying to write him a letter to explain things. To let him know I love him and don't blame him anymore. That everything that happened was my fault. I'm stronger now and well on my way to being a person, son, that he can be proud of. He can't die yet. I need to tell him how I feel and how much I'm sorry. How I know he did everything in his power to provide for his family and that he did the best he could do when it came to me. I fell short. Didn't see that he was trying to teach me lessons in life to make me survive. But I did. He made me strong in a lot of ways. I am independent and can cope with a lot of things that would make some people cry. I've traveled and seen more of the world than most people ever will. I am the man I am today because of him, not in spite of him. And I thank you, Dad, for making me this way.
I pray that one day I find the strength to face my fear and tell you all this. And I pray that it isn't to late. Please don't die before I have the chance to say "Thank you" and "I love you".
What's been making me think about him even more than I already do, is a horoscope that came my way via facebook. To paraphrase, "You will come into a large inheritance this year." Wow...kinda scary. It's enough that I have to live with the fact that I may lose my dad sooner than I thought I would, but then to have it spit in my face over facebook is something else all together. Now, I don't put much stock in horoscopes, but Jesus Christ, please, enough is enough.
So what have I been thinking about? Well...I blamed him for a lot of things that went wrong in my life. I shouldn't have, but I did. I blamed him for being alone all the time. There were three siblings in my family and I was the youngest. Whenever Dad would do things with the kids, I was always last and never got as much time or attention as my sister and brother. For instance, he owned a motorcycle and would sometimes give us rides. Well, when it came my turn, it was always shorter and sometimes not at all.
When my parents divorced, I chose to live with my Dad. In my mind, it was a chance to get closer to him. To finally get the love and attention that I so wanted and needed. It turned out to backfire in my face. I was told that I would get myself up and ready for school. If I wanted breakfast then I would make my own. The school bus wouldn't stop at our apartment so it was up to me to get there on my own. No big deal since we lived less than a mile from the house, but when it rained.... well, I got wet. Very wet. When we talked about it, he said I should make friends that would pick me up or give me a ride. Sure...easy...no way! I was the new kid. Straight out of Kentucky and shy. So shy. It took me half a year to make a friend and that was only because I was in the band. Still alone.
I started drinking in high school. Senior year. Found out that I could kill most of the pain and anger of being gay and awkward. Also worked to mask the frustration that I so eagerly wanted the affection of my father and knew I would never get it. It wasn't easy going through life so early knowing I didn't have a chance because I would always be afraid to stand up to the one man I needed more in my life than anyone else.
So when the opportunity arose, I got out. Not without making a fool of myself and without hurting him more than I ever wanted to. No one deserves what I did to him. He didn't deserve it. All he ever tried to do was make me strong and independent. Responsible. And I threw it all back in his face. Not much of a man or a son.
When he came to my wedding, it was one of the happiest days of my life. I had been sober for little over a year and seeing him made a lot of things come together. But still I let fear run my life. I've been trying to write him a letter to explain things. To let him know I love him and don't blame him anymore. That everything that happened was my fault. I'm stronger now and well on my way to being a person, son, that he can be proud of. He can't die yet. I need to tell him how I feel and how much I'm sorry. How I know he did everything in his power to provide for his family and that he did the best he could do when it came to me. I fell short. Didn't see that he was trying to teach me lessons in life to make me survive. But I did. He made me strong in a lot of ways. I am independent and can cope with a lot of things that would make some people cry. I've traveled and seen more of the world than most people ever will. I am the man I am today because of him, not in spite of him. And I thank you, Dad, for making me this way.
I pray that one day I find the strength to face my fear and tell you all this. And I pray that it isn't to late. Please don't die before I have the chance to say "Thank you" and "I love you".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)