Me...long term goals....there was a time when that didn't exist in the same sentence. My only long term goal was finding the next drink. I used to be the person that could fit all my belongings in the back seat and trunk of someone's car. Had to be someone else's car cause I didn't have one. And if there was too much or I didn't have a way to move it, I left it. Didn't care. I left some pretty cool stuff in other people's houses.
Now, it would probably take two uhauls to get all my stuff. I always knew that having a house was a forever thing and you constantly have to work on it. But really. I mean, for loves sake, I own a LAWNMOWER!!! Dangerous, I know. But it goes back to something we talk about in AA. When you were drunk, you had nothing. You are a cheater, a liar and a thief. When you're not drunk, and you can manage to stay sober, the world can be a remarkable place.
The only thing truly remarkable in my life are the people. Without you...I would be nothing.
From the beginning I was ruled by fear. Afraid to come out. Afraid to stand up to my dad. Afraid of being a disappointment to everyone. I hid behind a bottle from high school till I was 42. I was able to stand in front of my wall and be someone I thought was cool and popular. Until the end, I was always able to mask my drinking by working hard and being the best at what I do (Wolverine). I was never late; the "go to" guy for everything. I learned languages and traveled to make myself seem like that interesting person everyone wanted to know. The thing about masks is that they come off, break, or fly away. And the thing about being interesting ...is that you have to show interest.
What I'm trying to get to is this: we all try to hide at some point in our lives. There are many reasons behind it. Some might do it to protect those they love. Others, to run away from who they are. And still, some hide just because it's easier than living. Just remember you're not alone. Your story is yours but not too unlike someone else's. And there's always going to be someone there to help. You just need to take it when your time has come. And it will come. For whatever reason you choose to hide, I hope you find the end to your civil war.
