Sorry I haven't written in a while, but some things have happened over the past few weeks and I needed a little distance to ensure that I was thinking properly and that I worded this the way I wanted without unintentionally hurting someone in the process. You see, a little over a week ago, the world lost a great person and heaven gained an angel.
No one truly understands why things happen the way the do. And it's very easy to explain it away as "God has better plans for her" or "the good always die young". But the realization is, one of our friends was killed in an accident and we are all angry, sad, hurting, lonely, afraid, pissed off, over dramatic, afraid. Yes, I said afraid twice and you're gonna hear it some more because we are AFRAID. I've heard many times over the past week that "that couldv'e been me". Yes, we have all been where Alicia was. Drunk and unruly. Wanting to drive, when we shouldn't. Out of control and not listening to our friends that only have our best interests at heart. It was an accident. For those of you that don't know, Alicia, in a frantic effort to try and drive herself home, got away from her friends and ran into traffic, was hit by a car and killed instantly.
It was a very long Friday night. Phone calls were made. Almost everyone at the Outback knew before the sun came up Saturday morning (which was about the time the people that were there were getting into bed).
Although I had only been a part of Alicia's life for a short while, she was infectious. Her smile was amazing and she could do anything she put her mind to. She was so loud, you could always hear her laugh in the dining room at work. SHE TOUCHED ME!!! As she did everyone that she came in contact with.
Now, I said earlier that I wanted to word this right as to not unintentionally hurt people. I say this because I am mad. It doesn't matter if you only knew Alicia for a few months or a few years, the simple matter is she was a co-worker and friend. Ben, Michael, Cory and Chad were there. They saw the whole thing. It doesn't matter how long they knew her, seeing something like that has to have an effect on your life. It will be something they never forget. Heather, Mallory and Josie can't keep saying to themselves, "If I'd only stayed longer!!" They feel partly responsible and they're playing the game. "If I'd only....." It hurts. It isn't only the three of them. It's all of us. "If I'd switched shifts with her and she closed would she have still gone out....?" "If I'd worked for her maybe she wouldn't have gone to that bar". We can't play these games with ourselves. But it still angers me that there are some people out there that say "why's he getting special treatment, he didn't even know her that long." Grow up.
Yes, we are still allowed to grieve. No one can tell you when to stop or that enough is enough. We all go through this process in our own way. We all have our philosophies on living and dying. The process of dealing with loss is never black and white. So take your time. Know that there are others out there still hurting. But also know, that sometimes you need to talk to someone in order to help make it all connect.
Denial, Acceptance, ANGER, Rationalization, Displacement. Blaming. It's natural to feel this way and, short of physical abuse, its all expected.
When I was in college, I took a class on Death and Dying. It was offered by one of my favorite teachers and it was a course that was only offered this one semester and you had to have a recommendation in order to be allowed to take the class. A big to do. The class was awesome and the professor was very passionate about it. My final project was on the afterlife. The beliefs of the church from many points of view and what we, the people, wanted or viewed the afterlife to be. It was an enormous endeavor. It came down to a few weeks before the project was due and I got scared it wasn't gonna be done. I never went back to class. It bothered me the whole summer. So upon returning to school I had decided to go, explain my case and see if I could deliver my final project (with a loss of grade of course) and just pass the class. I went to my professors office and his name was gone. I found one of the other teaches I knew and asked where I could find him thinking they moved his office and was told he died over the summer. I was devastated. My teacher and friend was gone. After a long talk, I found out that he had been diagnosed with cancer before the beginning of the school year and wanted to offer the class on death and dying for personal reasons. I understood know why he was taking such an interest in my project. I wouldn't forgive myself for a long time. Father Raymond Appicella is still missed.
At Alicia's funeral, the preacher told us to live each day to the fullest. To make the most out of everything that we'd been given. It has taken me the majority of my 44 years of life to understand this. Sometimes we get bogged down by the realism of it all, but for the most part, I try to laugh and be in positive spirits knowing the dark side as I've walked that road before.
As for my Outback family....I love the way we came together. Seeing how loss can bring a family close and knowing that we are there for each other is spectacular to say the least. Alicia was our co-worker and, most importantly, our friend. Her time here on this plane may have been cut short, but I can rest a little easier at night knowing she is up there, watching over us along with all the other ANGELS.
